The Golden Notebook. Doris Lessing

of how she might soften it later out of pity or expediency. But Willi and I were not together because of sex. And so? I write this and think how strong must have been that argumentative battling quality between us that even now I instinctively and out of sheer habit assess it in terms of rights or wrongs. Stupid. It’s always stupid.

      We didn’t quarrel that night. After a moment he began his lonely humming: Oh the shark has, wicked teeth dear…and he picked up his book and read and I went to sleep.

      Next day bad temper prickled through the hotel. June Boothby had gone to a dance with her fiancé, and had not returned until morning. Mr Boothby had shouted at his daughter when she came in and Mrs Boothby had wept. The row with Jackson had permeated through the staff. The waiters were sullen with us all at lunch. Jackson went off at three o’clock according to the letter of the law, leaving Mrs Boothby to do the food for the dance, and June would not help her mother because of how she had been spoken to the day before. And neither would we. We heard June shouting: ‘If you weren’t so mean you’d get another assistant cook, instead of making a martyr of yourself for the sake of five pounds a month.’ Mrs Boothby had red eyes, and again her face had the look of frantic disorganized emotion and she followed June around, protesting. Because, of course, she was not mean. Five pounds was nothing to the Boothbys; and I suppose the reason why she didn’t get an extra cook was because she didn’t mind working twice as hard and thought there was no reason why Jackson shouldn’t as well.

      She went off to her house to lie down. Stanley Lett was with Mrs Lattimore on the verandah. The hotel tea was served at four by a waiter, but Mrs Lattimore had a headache and wanted black coffee. I suppose there must have been some trouble with her husband, but we had come to take his complaisance so much for granted we didn’t think of that until later. Stanley Lett went to the kitchen to ask the waiter to make coffee but the coffee was locked up, and Jackson, trusted family retainer, had the keys of the store cupboard. Stanley Lett went off to Jackson’s cottage to borrow the keys. I don’t think it occurred to him that this was tactless, in the circumstances. He was simply, as was his nature, ‘organizing’ supplies. Jackson, who liked Stanley because he associated the RAF with human treatment, came down from his cottage to open the cupboard and make black coffee for Mrs Lattimore. Mrs Boothby must have been seeing all this from her bedroom windows, for now she came down and told Jackson that if he ever did such a thing again he would get the sack. Stanley tried to soothe her but it was no use, she was like a possessed woman, and her husband had to take her off to lie down again.

      George came to Willi and me and said: ‘Do you realize what it would mean if Jackson got the sack? The whole family would be sunk.’

      ‘You mean you would,’ said Willi.

      ‘No, you silly clot, for once I’m thinking of them. This is their home. Jackson’d never find another place where he could have his family with him. He’d have to get a job somewhere and the family would have to go back to Nyasaland.’

      ‘Very likely,’ said Willi. ‘They’d be in the same position as the other Africans, instead of being in the minority of half of one per cent—if it’s as much as that.’

      The bar opened soon after, and George went off to drink. He had Jimmy with him. It seems I’ve forgotten the most important thing of all—Jimmy’s having upset Mrs Boothby. This had happened the week-end before. Jimmy in the presence of Mrs Boothby had put his arms around Paul and kissed him. He was drunk at the time. Mrs Boothby, an unsophisticated woman, was terribly shocked. I tried to explain to her that the virile conventions or assumptions of the Colony were not those of England, but afterwards she could not look at Jimmy without disgust. She had not minded the fact that he was regularly drunk, that he was unshaven and looked really unpleasant with the two half-healed scars showing through yellow stubble, that he slumped about in an unbuttoned uncollared uniform. All that was all right; it was all right for real men to drink and not to shave and to disregard their looks. She had even been rather maternal and gentle with him. But the word ‘homosexual’ put him outside her pale. ‘I suppose he’s what they call a homosexual,’ she said, using the word as if it, too, were poisoned.

      Jimmy and George got themselves drunk in the bar and by the time the dance started they were maudlin and affectionate. The big room was full when they came in. Jimmy and George danced together, George parodying the thing, but Jimmy looking childishly happy. Once round the room—but it was enough. Mrs Boothby was already there, looking like a seal in a black satin dress, her face flaming with distress. She went over to the couple and told them to take their disgusting behaviour somewhere else. No one else had even noticed the incident, and George told her not to be a silly bitch, and began dancing with June Boothby. Jimmy stood open-mouthed and helpless, very much the small boy who has been smacked and doesn’t know what for. Then he wandered off into the night by himself.

      Paul and I danced. Willi and Maryrose danced. Stanley and Mrs Lattimore danced. Mr Lattimore was in the bar and George kept leaving us to pay visits to his caravan.

      We were all more noisy and derisive about everything than we had ever been. I think we all knew it was our last week-end. Yet no decision had been made about not coming again; just as no formal decision had been made about coming in the first place. There was a feeling of loss; for one thing Paul and Jimmy were due to be posted soon.

      It was nearly midnight when Paul remarked that Jimmy had been gone a long time. We searched through the crowd in the big room, and no one had seen him. Paul and I went to look for him and met George at the door. Outside the night was damp and clouded. In that part of the country there is often two or three days’ break in the regularly clear weather we took for granted, while a very fine rain or mist blows softly, like the small soft rain of Ireland. So it was now, and groups and couples stood cooling off, but it was too dark to see their faces, and we wandered among them trying to distinguish Jimmy by his shape. The bar had closed by then and he was not on the hotel verandah or in the dining-room. We began to worry, for more than once we had had to rescue him from a flower-bed or under the gum-trees, hopelessly drunk. We searched through the bedrooms. We searched slowly through the gardens, stumbling over bushes and plants, not finding him. We were standing at the back of the main hotel building, wondering where to look next, when the lights went on in the kitchen half a dozen paces in front of us. Jackson came into the kitchen, slowly, alone. He did not know he was being watched. I had never seen him other than polite and on guard; but now he was both angry and troubled—I remember looking at that face and thinking I had never really seen it before. His face changed—he was looking at something on the floor. We pressed forward to see, and there was Jimmy lying asleep or drunk or both on the floor of the kitchen. Jackson bent down to raise him and, as he did so, Mrs Boothby came in behind Jackson. Jimmy awoke, saw Jackson and lifted his arms like a newly roused child and put them around Jackson’s neck. The black man said: ‘Baas Jimmy, Baas Jimmy, you must go to bed. You must not be here.’ And Jimmy said: ‘You love me, Jackson, don’t you, you love me, none of the others love me.’

      Mrs Boothby was so shocked that she let herself slump against the wall, and her face was a greyish colour. By then we three were in the kitchen, lifting Jimmy up and away from his clinging grip around Jackson’s neck.

      Mrs Boothby said: ‘Jackson, you leave tomorrow.’

      Jackson said: ‘Missus, what have I done?’

      Mrs Boothby said: ‘Get out. Go away. Take your dirty family and yourself away from here. Tomorrow, or I’ll get the police to you.’

      Jackson looked at us, his eyebrows knotting and unknotting, puckers of uncomprehending pain tightening the skin of his face and releasing it, so that his face seemed to clench and unclench. Of course, he had no idea at all why Mrs Boothby was so upset.

      He said slowly: ‘Missus, I’ve worked for you fifteen years.’

      George said: ‘I’ll speak to her, Jackson.’ George had never before previously addressed a direct word to Jackson. He felt too guilty before him.

      And now Jackson turned his eyes slowly towards George and blinked slowly, like someone who has been hit. And George stayed quiet, waiting. Then Jackson said: ‘You don’t want us to leave, baas?’