War/Peace. Matthew Vandenberg

I say. 'Jackson Curtis? The introvert? The guy who hardly said a word in high? You tellin' me this guy's a pimp?'

      'Tell me about it,' Jackson says. 'I'm the introvert so I was called devious, rude, and all that. It's coz we live in a verbal culture, you know>. Unlike here in the south. The ladies love my style. I hit 'em like Fiddy.'

      'Get out of town,' I quip.

      'That's why he's here,' Shaun says. 'He was visiting the south-side, visiting clients when the bridge fell. Couldn't get back.'

      'Shit! Did you see the bridge?'

      'It's horrible,' Jackson says. 'That was the symbol of Australia, the massive coat-hanger. Now it's in pieces.'

      'Still got the double-coat-hanger symbol,' Shaun says. 'The golden arches.' - Shaun nods at the wall behind me.

      I turn around: 'Maccas? What's that doing here? Do the Americans send us cheeseburgers?'

      'Product placement,' Shaun says. 'We're on telly, dude. If their gazes wander a little then they'll feel hungry and decide to get Maccas.'

      'It can stress you out though,' Shelly says, walking into the room. 'I heard that seeing the golden arches, or a fast food symbol makes you think that you're pressed for time>>. You wanna do things quickly, hastily, without waiting. You become less disciplined.'

      'We didn't take too long did we?' Jerri asks.

      'Shelly! Jerri!' I yell. 'Hey, great to see you.'

      'Adrian!' Shelly says. 'It's you who came in! I was thinkin' it was just a random northerner. Wow. Nice to see you again. Did you come through the south?'

      'Yeah,' I say. 'On a bike too. You got no idea what it's like out there now, for us.'

      'That's why I'm here,' Shelly says. 'You should hear the things my pastor's been saying.'

      'We're lucky we all went to the same school together,' Shaun says. 'Because we would have had a hard time trusting you otherwise, Shelly.'

      'Wait a second!' Chloe says. 'We're 'bout to eat magic mushrooms given to Shelly by her pastor. Isn't that a little risky?'

      'Big Brother's told us to,' Jackson says.

      'And if we die?' Chloe asks.

      'Then BB will have no one to boss around,' Shaun says.

      'Shaun, you've seen the mushrooms,' Shelly says. 'And you think they look fine right? You've eaten MMs before.'

      'Ha ha: I never meant to give you mushrooms girl, I never meant to bring you to my world, now you're sitting in the corner crying, and now it's my fault my fault#,' Shaun sings. 'They look fine.'

      'My pastor's not a murderer,' Shelly says. 'He didn't even expect me to travel into the north, so these were meant for me and my friends.'

      'Smells nice,' Jackson remarks.

      'Thanks,' Shelly says.

      'It's our turn then, right?' Shaun asks. 'Our turn to cook?'

      'Please sit down to eat,' Big Brother announces. 'We have a new member and he is hungry I'm sure. The north-siders will prepare dinner.'

      'Sounds good,' Shaun says.

      'Ok, look,' I say. 'This smells great, really. Thanks Shell, and Jerri. But maybe one of us – and I can do it if you like – should eat a little first, and we'll wait a few minutes. Just to be sure.'

      'What is it?' Chloe asks.

      'It's a middle eastern recipe,' Shelly says. 'Um . . . Israeli Couscous with asparagus and mushrooms.'

      'We can just pick the mushrooms out, right?' Chloe says. She looks at Shaun. 'After all, Shelly didn't take off any clothes during spin-the-bottle. So I don't think we should have to eat anything we don't want to eat.'

      'I'm eating the mushrooms,' Shaun says. 'Fuck it! I'll do what Adrian said, eat a little bit and then wait a little. The American public ain't gonna want us to kill ourselves.'

      'They don't know what could be in the mushrooms,' Chloe says.

      'Look,' Shelly says. She picks up several small mushrooms with her fork and places them into her mouth. Then she chews.

      ******

      References

      1 I'm In The House – Steve Aoki

      2 Purple Hills – D12

      3 #My Fault - Eminem

      4 **Goldenberg, J. L., McCoy, S. K., & Pyszczynski, T. (2000). The Body as a Source of Self-Esteem: The Effect of Mortality Salience on Identification With One's Body, Interest in Sex, and appearance Monitoring. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79, 118-130.

      5 >>Marano, H. (2010). The Far Reach of Fast Food. Psychology Today, 43(5), 45-46. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

      6 >Helgoe, L. (2010). Revenge of The Introvert. Psychology Today, 43(5), 54-61. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

      7 *Harmon-Jones, E., Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Simon, L. (1996). The Effects of Mortality Salience on Intergroup Bias Between Minimal Groups. European Journal of Social Psychology, 26, 677-681.

      8 ***Goldenberg, J. L., Pyszczynski, T., McCoy, S. K., Greenberg, J., & Solomon, S. (1999). Death, Sex, Love, and Neuroticism: Why is Sex Such a Problem? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 1173-1187.

      9 @Israeli Couscous with Asparagus and Fresh Mushrooms Recipe. Retrieved December 1, 2010 from http://recipes.epicurean.com/.../israeli-couscous-with...

       Note to readers: I should point out that none of the researchers mentioned in the reference list for the last skit were actually consulted during the writing of this piece and any opinions expressed therein are those of the author alone.

      SHAUN TURNER – 3:45pm - December 17 - 2011

      'Maybe there's a way,' I say, pressing my body into the lounge. I cup my hands, touch them to one another, and move them through the air as though releasing tiny doves into the wild. 'It's - like - the fabric of space-time, and all they've gone and done is – like – totally given the thing a name, an identity, some kind of personality. Maybe it is a person, a figure, a deity, a colossal, unimaginable, pure force beyond explanation. Maybe there is an intelligent designer, as they say. And maybe we can prove it.'

      'You just need to have faith,' Shelly says. 'There's no evidence except what you feel, inside.'

      'Like I see the walls, they shimmer, it's like she's cold and she's shivering, maybe coz we're so close to her, coz we're high . . .' I mumble. 'Like – they say the intelligent designer needn't be a god. So she could be mother nature, right? She's beautiful, sweet, angelic, wise, and forever young . . .'

      'Total MILF,' Jackson quips.

      'Yeah,' I say. 'Goes without saying bro. But she ain't a babe on the beach, she so – like - “is” the beach: she's the waves as they lap at your legs, a sharp, wet, salty tongue, she's the sun's rays – so hot, and she's even poison ivy, or the spotted emu bush, a thorn on a rose, or the gravity that pulls a coconut off a palm. And when she cries her tears fall as rain, and when she cums it snows.' - I smile – 'And no doubt she cums regularly, and we see her when she drops by: either her glassy eyes light a naked, black sky, and we call these bolts of lightning, or we see snowflakes in the shape of fractals which have fallen from the heavens between her legs. So if she cums on a regular basis then all we need to do is gather evidence that it snows regularly. Should we find that it snows somewhere around the world every second day then perhaps this is evidence in favor of the existence of mother nature and, hence, the existence of an intelligent designer.'

      'C'mon, space monkey,' Chloe says. 'Darling, there are a million alternative explanations