War/Peace. Matthew Vandenberg

don't,' I say.

      'Racist? You wanna know what racism is, Shelly? Racism is when you absolutely hate Americans. Racism is when you won't allow Americans into your cities, when you lock them up, when you call them the devil's children, and wish death upon them as though they're the enemies of 50 Cent. Racism is when anyone who isn't Catholic or Moslem is treated like a third class citizen who you would sooner eat than befriend.'

      'Chloe,' I say. 'Do you really think Shelly would be here if she thought like that?'

      'Sorry,' Chloe says. 'But . . .'

      'But there are people out there who do think like that,' Shaun says. 'Look: the neck of the bottle is a little closer to me. How about I go next?'

      I nod. So does Shelly.

      'I want to ask you the same question Jackson asked me,' Shelly says. 'I want to know what your goal is, Shaun. I won't get mad, I promise. Is there something you want to achieve? And not just in the aftermath of this war, but through the circulation of your story about Alana . . .?'

      'What if I want to kiss you?' Shaun asks. 'Isn't this meant to be truth or kiss?'

      'And it's meant to be my choice also,' Shelly says. 'But I don't think we're playing by the rules anymore are we?'

      'Ok ok,' Shaun says. 'Truth it is. That's as long as Jackson and Chloe don't mind me telling you about the worm.'

      'Are you sure?' I ask.

      'Don't see why not,' Shaun says, standing up. 'Shelly told us why she's here, so let's be fair and fill her in. Let's fill everyone in. Everyone who's watching us! My ultimate goal' – Shaun glances at me. I shrug. Chloe's all smiles, leaning back against the lounge. - 'is to make any girl I like wet whenever I want. I'm designing a worm that can crawl into vaginas, locate the G-spot, inject it with collagen to make it larger, and rub against it. The worm is doused in 5a-Androst-16-en-3-one, an odorless pheromone . . .'

      'So the girl is none the wiser,' I say. 'Sounds a little like reverse Eugenics to me, when you think about it. But I gotta admit . . .'

      'Hey, you know it's a good idea,' Shaun says. 'Jackson here's a pimp so he wants to employ these same girls.'

      'You're makin' me sound like a creep,' I say.

      'You want us to become sluts?' Jerri asks.

      'No,' I say, standing up. 'That's conscription. Look, tell me Shelly: are they recruiting in the south-side? Are they putting together an army? It's what they're doing in the north.'

      'I think so,' Shelly says. 'Some people at church were discussing warfare.'

      'Well, there are people right here, in this very house, discussing an alternative solution,' I say. 'Was it the Beatles who said all we need is love?, John Lennon who said give peace a chance? Look Shelly, Jerri: we don't want to make you girls into sluts, we want you to help us make others into sluts. The term “slut” needn't be derogatory but rather synonymous with the terms “rose”, “peace”, “dove”, “freedom”. Do you know what I mean?' I'm a therapist Shelly. I try to help people, listen to them, understand them, especially south-siders, Catholics like you, and Moslems like Danielle. And yeah: I want to promote prostitution – and this coming from someone who has never visited one. Ha. But that's only because I am one, and this is more important. Being a slut increases self-worth exponentially. And tell me this: with people feeling good about themselves, feeling as though they are worth a lot, where is the want for money? Will the capitalists in the north still be craving power and prestige, the southerners still afraid to daydream, to fantasize, to commit soft sins? Will the southerners still want to rage war against northerners when northerners and southerners are so very similar?'

      'I don't know,' Shelly says. 'This is just weird. What would God say? Do you honestly believe that . . .'

      'I reckon Jesus was a mutt,' Shaun says. 'Who's to say? Adored by many, vilified by others. No doubt before the invention of contraception this was a risky business, akin to working for the mob. But now this is no longer the case.'

      'Silence,' Big Brother says. 'This conversation is over.'

      We all look at the phone on the table.

      'It's time for lunch,' Big Brother continues. 'After your visit to the diary rooms you will all proceed to the kitchen. Inside the fridge are the ingredients for several different meals, except for the mushrooms. Heh heh! For years food has been exchanged between countries. Food, no doubt, brings people together. Like a family you will all sit down together to eat. But first you will split into teams: south-siders will wear yellow and north-siders will wear red. Each team will pick a recipe and make the dish. At the round table, while eating, you will think, philosophize and discuss the topics on your minds.'

      'Wait! The magic mushrooms?' Chloe asks.

      Shaun picks the packet up: 'Time for lunch!'

      ******

      References

      1 Galvanize – The Chemical Brothers

      2 Turman, G. [Actor], Byrne, G. [Actor], & Barclay, P [Director]. (2008). Alex Sr. In Treatment, 1(37). ("Sometimes it's easier to talk to somebody who's totally uninvolved with your life, somebody objective . . .' 'You mean like a prostitute . . .?')

      3 All I Want For Christmas – Hurts

      4 Truly Madly Deeply – Savage Garden

      5 Technicolor - Andy Hunter

      6 I'm A Bitch – Alanis Morissette

      7 Test Of A Man - Dash

      8 Can't Fight The Moonlight - LeAnne Rimes

      JACKSON CURTIS – 1:40pm - December 17 - 2011

      'Why do we have this private room?' I say. 'Whatever I say in here I'll say out there anyway.'

      'Your thoughts, Jackson. Anything.'

      'Fine,' I say, shrugging. 'Thoughts. Thoughts. Lovin' it here. Guess it would be nice to have some more people in the house. We'll be letting more in right? Any superstars dropping by? Guest appearances? Are we like world-wide or what?'

      'Your thoughts.'

      'Ok. Ok. Chill. Got nothing to say. Oh – I had this wicked dream last night. Get this: I'm in this bunker, and I'm talking to a couple of thugs and I've just given them 5 grand. I have no idea why. Anyway, they're real glad they got the money off me: I'm guessing they needed it for drugs or something. And I'm totally lost so they show me this phone – or it could be an eReader. They ask me to pick a game to play and I pick one. I'm a frog who has to break through a whole heap of log barriers. So I'm hopping along, and suddenly I'm drawn into the frog's world. I'm still controlling the frog remotely but I'm in the same world it's in. I'm dreaming so I don't really realize that I'm in a new universe. But this new universe is essentially a house. I'm in the basement chasing the frog. I follow it into a rest room, a large rest room, and I lose it. So I'm searching for it and then I see a drain, but it's just a grate and I fall through, and now I'm inside a living room. It's a nice house, where a nice family lives. I keep following the frog, and suddenly it turns into a rabbit, who hops outside through a cat flap, and then poses next to the family for a photograph. I smile and then I wake up. Make sense of that.'

      'The ugly toad turns into a rabbit. Ha ha.'

      I shrug: 'So what's this lunch thing? Do you got the goss on that? What are we eating for lunch? Aside from the Mms?'

      'Your thoughts Jackson, just your thoughts please.'

      'Arrrrrgh! You're annoying,' I whine.

      ******

      References

      1 So Young – The Corrs

      ADRIAN FORD – 3:03pm - December 17 - 2011

      I squeeze the clutch, kick the gear into fifth, and turn the throttle. And now I can hardly hear them over the roar of