Theater Plays. Valentin Krasnogorov

My pleasure.

      GIRL. I want to make sure of that.

      PROFESSOR. You are in luck: you’ve found the right person.

      GIRL. Prove it.

      PROFESSOR. My reputation does not require any proof. My name speaks for itself.

      GIRL. And who are you?

      PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sex consultant. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. I teach, give advice, help to solve problems. I cure all illnesses.

      GIRL. I would like to become such a consultant, too.

      PROFESSOR. Then I’ll teach you. Do you know who said the famous words: "I have taken all knowledge…."

      GIRL. “…to be my province.”

      PROFESSOR. Exactly right. It is me who said it.

      GIRL. I didn’t know that.

      PROFESSOR. There are still many things you don’t know.

      GIRL. So let's study. I’m very curious. Let’s start right now.

      PROFESSOR. Good. We shall begin by checking your sexuality.

      The GIRL starts to undress.

      No, don’t undress! It’s not necessary.

      GIRL. (Disappointedly). Not necessary? Then how will you check me?

      PROFESSOR. I have a special system of tests. Sit down facing me and concentrate.

      They sit down opposite each other.

      Are you ready?

      GIRL. Yes.

      PROFESSOR. (Takes out a pen.) Tell me, what does this pen remind you of?

      GIRL. Sex.

      PROFESSOR. Very interesting. Well, what does this armchair remind you of?

      GIRL. Sex.

      PROFESSOR. What? Sex again? But why?!

      GIRL. Everything reminds me of sex.

      PROFESSOR. But tell me what an armchair has to do with to sex?

      GIRL. Oh, it has a lot to do with sex. If you only knew, professor, how many of my fantasies involve an armchair! Unfortunately, they’re only fantasies and not memories.

      PROFESSOR. I am giving you the highest score! A hundred points. You have a rich imagination.

      GIRL. I have a normal imagination. The trembling sails full of desire to be opened and give themselves up to the wind; the ray of sunshine piercing the moist depth of the sea; the clouds merging with each other; the train confidently entering the tunnel; the smokestack of a power plant; the trunk of a poplar; a candle – all of these represent the same thing to me. A carrot is a man; a turnip, a woman. A banana is a man, too – what a man! And potatoes, beet, apples, porridge – all of these are women.

      PROFESSOR. You have amazing abilities. I need to learn from you, not you from me.

      GIRL. The sister says that I am crazy.

      PROFESSOR. Forget the sister. Trust me. You are normal. She isn’t.

      GIRL. I live in a world of symbols: a spoon and a plate…

      PROFESSOR. (Joining in).… a cylinder and a piston…

      GIRL.… a ring and a finger…

      PROFESSOR.… an arm and a sleeve…

      GIRL.… a seed and the soil…

      PROFESSOR.… a blade and a sheath…

      GIRL.… a key and a lock…

      PROFESSOR.… all these are symbols of the eternal union of man and woman. Each is meaningless and impossible without the other.

      GIRL. Don’t stop talking! It’s getting me so excited!

      PROFESSOR. Tell me, what do you know about sex? No, let me put it another way. What don’t you know yet about sex?

      GIRL. I have to admit, I don’t know what sex is at all. I’ve never had it. That’s why it’s so interesting to me.

      PROFESSOR. We shall start having it, and we shall have it for a very long time, all day long, from morning till evening, and from evening till morning, and you will learn everything. We’ll start right now.

      GIRL. Now? I’m afraid we can’t do it now.

      PROFESSOR. Why?

      GIRL. We can’t do it here.

      PROFESSOR. I know. But why not try?

      GIRL. (Looking around and lowering her voice.) Can you keep a secret?

      PROFESSOR. Yes. But you’d better not tell it to me anyway.

      GIRL. No, I’ll tell you. I want to escape.

      PROFESSOR. You, too? Where will you go?

      GIRL. Where everything is different. And why do you say, “you, too”? Do you want to escape, too?

      PROFESSOR. Who doesn’t?

      GIRL. Then we will run away together, while we have the chance.

      PROFESSOR. Dear, how can I run away? I don’t run anymore, I shuffle. I don’t breathe, I gasp for breath. A few steps more and my run on this earth will be finished.

      GIRL. Oh, don’t talk about these awful things! Follow my example and think only of sex. Think about it all the time, so you won’t think about anything else. Do you understand me? I forbid you to think about anything else. We’ll run away from here, and you’ll live another thousand years. Are you ready to go?

      PROFESSOR. (Stretching out his hand.) With you – to the ends of the earth.

      GIRL. Let's leave at once, right now, without losing a moment, not stopping, not looking back, otherwise it will be too late. (She pulls the Professor toward the exit, but he stops suddenly.)

      PROFESSOR. Wait! I just remembered; I can’t.

      GIRL. Why? Are you afraid?

      PROFESSOR. I am. But that’s not the point.

      GIRL. What then?

      PROFESSOR. I just promised a lady that I would run away with her.

      GIRL. So…?

      PROFESSOR. I ought to at least explain to her…

      GIRL. Why do you think you have to explain anything? Are you the first man to leave a woman?

      PROFESSOR. No, but…

      GIRL. Did you have an affair with her?

      PROFESSOR. Not exactly, but…

      GIRL. Whether you did or didn’t, it doesn’t matter. Sex is no reason to talk things over or prolong a relationship.

      PROFESSOR. But since we’ve gotten to know each other…

      GIRL. (Interrupting). So what? Sex is no cause for acquaintance. But if you’re so scrupulous, leave her a note. Get out your remarkable pen. Write: (Dictates). “My dear, don’t worry. I have run away with another woman. I won’t be back anytime soon.”.

      PROFESSOR. (Gets out his pen and starts writing, then stops.) I should tell her myself. Or maybe the three of us could run away together?

      GIRL. Will she agree?

      PROFESSOR. Why not?

      GIRL. A threesome is not so interesting.

      PROFESSOR. On the contrary, it can be even more interesting.

      GIRL. Well then, go and talk to her. I’ll wait here. But don’t leave me alone for long! I hate being alone. It makes me feel sick.

      PROFESSOR. I’ve been sick of being alone for a long time now.

      PROFESSOR leaves. HUSBAND enters.

      HUSBAND.