Theater Plays. Valentin Krasnogorov

director in chief!

      DIRECTOR: What director in chief? I’m the director in chief here!

      WOMAN: Don’t make me laugh. Did you really imagine that you’re the director here? You’re a pawn, a performer, and nothing more. Are you really still not getting it?

      CONSULTANT: Everybody shut up! (into the phone) Yes, sir!.. Yes, sir!.. Yes, sir!..

      DIRECTOR: (flustered) So it’s… (stands at attention)

      CONSULTANT: (into the phone) Very good… Yes, sir!.. Consider it done.

      CONSULTANT hangs up. A respectful silence.

      DIRECTOR: What did he say?

      CONSULTANT: He said that, on the whole, he likes the script and the preparations for the show. He sends you his thanks.

      DIRECTOR: Thank you. If you need an expert to stage a coronation, don’t forget me. I’ll put on a marvelous production.

      CONSULTANT: We’ll bear that in mind. As for these two performers, though, they don’t quite suit him.

      MAN: (alarmed) What did he mean? We don’t suit him at all?

      CONSULTANT: No, at this point all he’s thinking about is the interpretation and how you’re going to perform your roles tomorrow.

      DIRECTOR: How does he know what my interpretation is? He hasn’t seen the rehearsal.

      CONSULTANT answers him with a silent look that speaks volumes.

      Excuse me.

      WOMAN: What are we going to do?

      CONSULTANT: You may want to stop chattering and finish the rehearsal as quickly as possible. (to DIRECTOR) Oh, and the budget has to be drastically cut. You’ve overdone it. After all, it’s not a president or a prime minister who’s being buried, just a private party.

      DIRECTOR: But then my entire beautiful game plan falls apart…

      CONSULTANT: Do you have any objections?

      DIRECTOR: None at all.

      CONSULTANT: Then why are you standing around? Finish your work.

      DIRECTOR: Yes, ma’am. (to the actors) Take your places… (to MAN) Where did you stop? Read the last line of dialogue.

      MAN: Give me a minute. (searches for the place in his script) Here it is: We can be content: the bright future, so long awaited, is already here. (lets the hand holding his script page drop)

      DIRECTOR: And what comes next?

      MAN: Nothing. The End.

      DIRECTOR: (wearily) Oh, all right: the end is the end.

      THE END

      Let's have sex!

      Давай займемся сексом!

      A strange tragicomedy in two acts

      Translated from Russian by Eugene Reznikov and James Walker.

      Synopsis

      Every personage of this strange, absurd play talks and thinks only about sex. But the frivolous title of this comedy is delusive: the drama is complicated, tragic, and at the same time, amusing. It is difficult to define the genre of this play. It may be called both a psychological drama, and a theater of the absurd, a play that deals with paradox, a philosophical play…. It may be defined as a comedy, but it will not be a mistake to call it also a tragedy. The characters come from nowhere and leave to nowhere. They are familiar to each other and at the same time seem to see each other for the first time. There are 5 characters in the play: the Husband, the Wife, the Sister, the Girl, and the Professor. They are quite real and authentic. At the same time, it is difficult to understand, whether the Wife really is someone’s wife, the Professor – a real professor, etc. There is no plot in the traditional meaning of the word. The play is constructed on the principle of a rondo: movement goes in a circle, or, more precisely, along a spiral. The characters’ actions are motivated by loneliness, by their yearning for love and emotion, their desire to escape from their problems. Or maybe all these conversations are simply the product of a deranged mind? The play has been staged in Moscow by the most famous theater director of Russia, Roman Viktyuk, and is an enormous success. The play is also performed by theaters of Australia, Bolgaria, Estonia, Finland, Germany, Great Britain, India, Montenegro, Mongolia, Poland, Rumania,Turkey, and Ukraina. 2 men and 3 women. Interior .

      CHARACTERS

      HUSBAND

      WIFE

      PROFESSOR

      GIRL

      SISTER

      Part 1

      The stage can represent an empty space. The room may be furnished with nothing more than a table, some chairs and an armchair.

      The HUSBAND is reading a book. The WIFE enters. The HUSBAND continues to read. The WIFE goes out, enters again. The HUSBAND continues to read.

      WIFE. Let's have sex.

      HUSBAND. OK. (Continues to read.)

      WIFE. Let's have sex!

      HUSBAND. (Continues to read.) OK!

      WIFE. I said – let's have sex!

      HUSBAND. What?

      WIFE. Sex!!

      HUSBAND. Right now?

      WIFE. Why not?

      HUSBAND. Just let me finish reading this page.

      WIFE. What if I want it right now?

      HUSBAND. What has come over you?

      WIFE. Nothing. Do you have any objections?

      HUSBAND. Me? No. (Continues to read.)

      WIFE. Well?

      HUSBAND. Well, what?

      WIFE. You said that you have no objection.

      HUSBAND. To what?

      WIFE. To doing it.

      HUSBAND. Doing what?

      WIFE. Put down the book, or I’ll throw it out the window.

      HUSBAND. The book doesn’t have anything to do with it.

      WIFE. I know that it doesn’t. But you don’t want me throw you out the window, do you?

      HUSBAND. What do you want from me?

      WIFE. I have said, let's have sex.

      HUSBAND. You interrupted me in a particularly interesting place – he is sneaking up to her bed with a gun.

      WIFE. Nobody sneaks up to my bed.

      HUSBAND. That’s good.

      WIFE. I am not so sure.

      HUSBAND. (Furtively glancing at the book.) I think he’s going to kill her now.

      WIFE. (Grabs out the book away from him and throws it into the corner.) I will kill you now.

      HUSBAND. What do you want from me?

      WIFE. Nothing. A woman is not supposed to want it. You are the one who is supposed to want it.

      HUSBAND. You seem very irritable today.

      WIFE. There is nothing wrong with me.

      HUSBAND. Did something happen at work?

      WIFE. Do people have sex only when something happens at work?

      HUSBAND. No. Not necessarily.

      WIFE. Thank God. Otherwise else I would think that nothing ever happens to you at work.

      HUSBAND. I think that now it is not the right time, and this is not the right place.

      WIFE. For you, never is the right time and nowhere is the right place for sex.

      HUSBAND.