Theater Plays. Valentin Krasnogorov

I know. This life is enough to drive anyone crazy. Have I ever truly lived? What have I seen? What have I done? Home and work, home and work, home and work… And what happens at home? What happens at work? Where is my life? What have I done with it? So there is only one thing left to do – try to lose myself in sex and forget all my petty problems. They not worth worrying about anyway, but still they overwhelm and oppress me. To stop hating myself, even for just ten minutes. Not to think, even for just one second. Not to remember. Not to care. Just feel. The joy of being alive. The pleasure. The delight of taking and being taken. Man and woman are always in a state of war, and sex is the one moment of truce, the one field of mutual understanding and attraction. The one moment when you don’t feel lonely. An act of unity, a time of reconciliation with life, an illusion of love, a glimpse of happiness, an opportunity for self-affirmation.

      Pause.

      HUSBAND. Well, if you really want to have sex with me…

      WIFE. With you? What makes you think that?

      HUSBAND. You said, “Let's have sex.”

      WIFE. But I didn’t say, “with you.” Just “Let's have sex.”

      HUSBAND. Not necessarily with me?

      WIFE. No, not necessarily.

      HUSBAND. With whom then?

      WIFE. Do you have anyone else that you can have sex with but me?

      HUSBAND. Not right at this moment.

      WIFE. What about other times?

      HUSBAND. Theoretically – with anybody.

      WIFE. Leave the theory aside, let’s get to the practice.

      HUSBAND. I am tired of your nagging.

      WIFE. My poor, unfortunate husband. He’s tired to death of sex. Apparently, forever.

      HUSBAND. You know, I’ve had enough of you. Maybe you really think I am your husband, but I don’t consider you my wife. And I am not going to have sex with a strange woman.

      WIFE. Why do you think I want to have sex?

      HUSBAND. Well, what do you want?

      WIFE. Nothing. That’s the problem. I don’t want anything. I’m depressed. Every day the same thing. I am so depressed…

      HUSBAND. So why torment me? Why ask for sex if you don’t want it? Just to spite me?

      WIFE. Have I no right to talk? I’m your wife!

      HUSBAND. Leave me alone! You are not my wife! I hate the very word "wife"! My wife has ruined my life! My wife has driven me crazy! Stop it! Leave me alone! (Leaves.)

      WIFE. (Alone). A little more of this, and I really will go crazy. I have to save myself. I need a change. As soon as possible… Otherwise it will be too late. As soon as possible… What to do? What to do?

      PROFESSOR. (Entering). What to do? I’ll tell you. Let’s have sex.

      WIFE. That’s a surprising proposition.

      PROFESSOR. Good! Sex shouldn’t be planned. It’s only good when it’s spontaneous. It should be sudden like a whirlwind, unexpected like an earthquake. It should catch us by surprise, when we’re not hoping for it, where it doesn’t seem possible. Do you agree?

      WIFE. Yes.

      PROFESSOR. Then let’s start now.

      WIFE. Not so fast.

      PROFESSOR. But you said you agreed.

      WIFE. I agree in principle. Not to your proposition, but to what you said about the whirlwind and earthquake.

      PROFESSOR. If you agree in principle, then let’s get started. We can work out the details as we go along. Or when we’re done.

      WIFE. I don’t have time.

      PROFESSOR. Neither do I. So let’s not waste it. Let’s get started right away.

      WIFE. I am not used to doing it “right away.” I need time.

      PROFESSOR. Nonsense. Imagine you’ve been swept up by a whirlwind.

      WIFE. Besides, we don’t really have time. By the way, what time is it?

      PROFESSOR. You’re kidding! Who has sex with a watch in his hand?

      WIFE. What makes you think that I want to have sex?

      PROFESSOR. Everybody wants to have sex.

      WIFE. But not me.

      PROFESSOR. So what do you want to do? Learn to speak German?

      WIFE. I don’t want to do anything. And definitely not have sex.

      PROFESSOR. You don’t want to have sex at all or just right now?

      WIFE. Not at all.

      PROFESSOR. That’s why you’ve called me?

      WIFE. Me? I didn’t called you. Who are you, anyway?

      PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sexologist and sex pathologist. Treatment, consulting, lecturing. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. It’s very hard work. Lots of calls. I get very tired.

      WIFE. Are you a doctor?

      PROFESSOR. Not exactly. I am a sex consultant. I teach, give advice, help to solve problems, cure any illness, everything.

      WIFE. Why everything, if you’re just an expert on sex?

      PROFESSOR. Because lack of sex is the cause of all illnesses. Now do you understand why you feel bad?

      WIFE. What makes you think that I feel bad?

      PROFESSOR. You told me you don’t want to have sex. That’s a type of derangement.

      WIFE. Do you think I’m crazy?

      PROFESSOR. No, I didn’t say that. Madness is normal because we all live in a mad world. The abnormal one is the person who’s normal. But I’ll cure you.

      WIFE. How?

      PROFESSOR. I have a universal remedy: sex three times a day. Instead of meals.

      WIFE. I agree.

      PROFESSOR. Excellent. But the patient has to be very healthy to take this cure. Are you healthy?

      WIFE. Yes.

      PROFESSOR. Then there’s no need for me to treat you. So let’s just have sex. Do you know what it is?

      WIFE. I once knew, but I’ve forgotten.

      PROFESSOR. Do you have a husband?

      WIFE. A husband and sex are two different things. And besides, I’m not sure if I have him.

      PROFESSOR. What?! You don’t even know if you have a husband?

      WIFE. I have him, but I don’t know whether he is my husband.

      PROFESSOR. My dear, now I see. You need to start life all over again. And I’ll help you. Nobody in the entire world knows what sex is, but me. I have devoted myself to it completely. I have given it the best years of my life. I studied it in libraries and archives, at lectures and in museums, at conferences and seminars.

      WIFE. And nowhere else?

      PROFESSOR. If you mean nitty-gritty experience, perhaps that may be good for an amateur, but not for a top-notch professional. You can’t even imagine what a rich world will be opened up for you when I start sharing my knowledge! Primitive sex. Ancient sex. Greek and Roman sex. Medieval sex. Renaissance sex. Baroque and Classical sex. Romantic sex. Modern sex. Oriental sex. French sex. Sex of all countries, times, and peoples. And we’ll start learning all this right now.

      WIFE. Right now? I clearly told you, I am not in the mood for sex right now.

      PROFESSOR. We’ll have sex in the academic sense. A course of four hundred and eighty hours, for a start. We will study the theoretical principles. The history. The social aspects. Practical applications. Tantra