Mike. Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус

      "The gramophone. It started playing 'The Quaint Old Bird.' Ripping it was, till Wain came along."

      ​Wyatt doubled up with noiseless laughter.

      "You're a genius," he said. "I never saw such a man. Well, what's the game now? What's the idea?"

      "I think you'd better nip back along the wall and in through the window, and I'll go back to the dining-room. Then it'll be all right if Wain comes and looks into the dorm. Or, if you like, you might come down too, as if you'd just woke up and thought you'd heard a row."

      "That's not a bad idea. All right. You dash along then. I'll get back."

      Mr. Wain was still in the dining-room, drinking in the beauties of the summer night through the open window. He gibbered slightly when Mike reappeared.

      "Jackson! What do you mean by running about outside the house in this way! I shall punish you very heavily. I shall certainly report the matter to the headmaster. I will not have boys rushing about the garden in their pyjamas. You will catch an exceedingly bad cold. You will do me two hundred lines, Latin and English. Exceedingly so. I will not have it. Did you not hear me call to you?"

      "Please, sir, so excited," said Mike, standing outside with his hands on the sill.

      "You have no business to be excited. I will not have it. It is exceedingly impertinent of you."

      "Please, sir, may I come in?"

      "Come in! Of course, come in. Have you no sense boy? You are laying the seeds of a bad cold. Come in at once."

      Mike clambered through the window.

      "I couldn't find him, sir. He must have got out of the garden."

      "Undoubtedly," said Mr. Wain. "Undoubtedly so. It was very wrong of you to search for him. You might have been seriously injured. Exceedingly so."

      He was about to say more on the subject when Wyatt strolled into the room. Wyatt wore the rather dazed ​expression of one who has been aroused from deep sleep. He yawned before he spoke.

      "I thought I heard a noise, sir," he said.

      He called Mr. Wain "father" in private, "sir" in public. The presence of Mike made this a public occasion.

      "Has there been a burglary?"

      "Yes," said Mike, "only he has got away."

      "Shall I go out into the garden, and have a look round, sir?" asked Wyatt helpfully.

      The question stung Mr. Wain into active eruption once more.

      "Under no circumstances whatever," he said excitedly. "Stay where you are, James. I will not have boys running about my garden at night. It is preposterous. Inordinately so. Both of you go to bed immediately. I shall not speak to you again on this subject. I must be obeyed instantly. You hear me, Jackson? James, you understand me? To bed at once. And, if I find you outside your dormitory again to-night, you will both be punished with extreme severity. I will not have this lax and reckless behaviour."

      "But the burglar, sir?" said Wyatt.

      "We might catch him, sir," said Mike.

      Mr. Wain's manner changed to a slow and stately sarcasm, in much the same way as a motor-car changes from the top speed to its first.

      "I was under the impression," he said, in the heavy way almost invariably affected by weak masters in their dealings with the obstreperous, "I was distinctly under the impression that I had ordered you to retire immediately to your dormitory. It is possible that you mistook my meaning. In that case I shall be happy to repeat what I said. It is also in my mind that I threatened to punish you with the utmost severity if you did not retire at once. In these circumstances, James—and you, Jackson—you will doubtless see the necessity of complying with my wishes."

      They made it so.

      ​

      CHAPTER VII

      IN WHICH MIKE IS DISCUSSED

       Table of Contents

      Trevor and Clowes, of Donaldson's, were sitting in their study a week after the gramophone incident, preparatory to going on the river. At least Trevor was in the study, getting tea ready. Clowes was on the windowsill, one leg in the room, the other outside, hanging over space. He loved to sit in this attitude, watching some one else work, and giving his views on life to whoever would listen to them. Clowes was tall, and looked sad, which he was not. Trevor was shorter, and very much in earnest over all that he did. On the present occasion he was measuring out tea with a concentration worthy of a general planning a campaign.

      "One for the pot," said Clowes.

      "All right," breathed Trevor. "Come and help, you slacker."

      "Too busy."

      "You aren't doing a stroke."

      "My lad, I'm thinking of Life. That's a thing you couldn't do. I often say to people, 'Good chap, Trevor, but can't think of Life. Give him a tea-pot and half a pound of butter to mess about with,' I say, 'and he's all right. But when it comes to deep thought, where is he? Among the also-rans.' That's what I say."

      "Silly ass," said Trevor, slicing bread. "What particular rot were you thinking about just then? What fun it was sitting back and watching other fellows work, I should think."

      "My mind at the moment," said Clowes, "was tensely occupied with the problem of brothers at school. Have you got any brothers, Trevor?"

      "One. Couple of years younger than me. I say, we shall want some more jam to-morrow. Better order it to-day."

      "See it done, Tigellinus, as our old pal Nero used to remark. Where is he? Your brother, I mean."

      ​"Marlborough."

      "That shows your sense. I have always had a high opinion of your sense, Trevor. If you'd been a silly ass, you'd have let your people send him here."

      "Why not? Shouldn't have minded."

      "I withdraw what I said about your sense. Consider it unsaid. I have a brother myself. Aged fifteen. Not a bad chap in his way. Like the heroes of the school stories. 'Big blue eyes literally bubbling over with fun.' At least, I suppose it's fun to him. Cheek's what I call it. My people wanted to send him here. I lodged a protest. I said, 'One Clowes is ample for any public school.' "

      "You were right there," said Trevor.

      "I said, 'One Clowes is luxury, two excess.' I pointed out that I was just on the verge of becoming rather a blood at Wrykyn, and that I didn't want the work of years spoiled by a brother who would think it a rag to tell fellows who respected and admired me——"

      "Such as who?"

      "——Anecdotes of a chequered infancy. There are stories about me which only my brother knows. Did I want them spread about the school? No, laddie, I did not. Hence, we see my brother two terms ago, packing up his little box, and tooling off to Rugby. And here am I at Wrykyn, with an unstained reputation, loved by all who know me, revered by all who don't; courted by boys, fawned upon by masters. People's faces brighten when I throw them a nod. If I frown——"

      "Oh, come on," said Trevor.

      Bread and jam and cake monopolised Clowes's attention for the next quarter of an hour. At the end of that period, however, he returned to his subject.

      "After the serious business of the meal was concluded, and a simple hymn had been sung by those present," he said, "Mr. Clowes resumed his very interesting remarks. We were on the subject of brothers at school. Now, take the melancholy case of Jackson Brothers. My heart bleeds for Bob."

      ​"Jackson's all right. What's wrong