Vampires vs. Werewolves – Ultimate Collection. Редьярд Джозеф Киплинг

said he hated the French, and quite a baby, too. What perseverance and sense. 'Uncle,' says he to you, 'when I'm a big man, I'll go in a ship, and fight all the French in a heap,' says he. 'And beat 'em, my boy, too,' says you; cos you thought he'd forgot that; and then he says, 'what's the use of saying that, stupid?—don't we always beat 'em?'"

      The admiral laughed and rubbed his hands, as he cried aloud—

      "I remember, Jack—I remember him. I was stupid to make such a remark."

      "I know you was—a d——d old fool I thought you."

      "Come, come. Hilloa, there!"

      "Well, then, what do you call me no seaman for?"

      "Why, Jack, you bear malice like a marine."

      "There you go again. Goodbye. Do you remember when we were yard arm to yard arm with those two Yankee frigates, and took 'em both! You didn't call me a marine then, when the scuppers were running with blood. Was I a seaman then?"

      "You were, Jack—you were; and you saved my life."

      "I didn't."

      "You did."

      "I say I didn't—it was a marlin-spike."

      "But I say you did, you rascally scoundrel.—I say you did, and I won't be contradicted in my own ship."

      "Call this your ship?"

      "No, d—n it—I—"

      "Mr. Crinkles," said the landlord, flinging the door wide open, and so at once putting an end to the discussion which always apparently had a tendency to wax exceedingly warm.

      "The shark, by G—d!" said Jack.

      A little, neatly dressed man made his appearance, and advanced rather timidly into the room. Perhaps he had heard from the landlord that the parties who had sent for him were of rather a violent sort.

      "So you are Crinkles, are you?" cried the admiral. "Sit down, though you are a lawyer."

      "Thank you, sir. I am an attorney, certainly, and my name as certainly is Crinkles."

      "Look at that."

      The admiral placed the letter in the little lawyer's hands, who said—

      "Am I to read it?"

      "Yes, to be sure."

      "Aloud?"

      "Read it to the devil, if you like, in a pig's whisper, or a West India hurricane."

      "Oh, very good, sir. I—I am willing to be agreeable, so I'll read it aloud, if it's all the same to you."

      He then opened the letter, and read as follows:—

      "To Admiral Bell.

      "Admiral—Being, from various circumstances, aware that you take a warm and a praiseworthy interest in your nephew, Charles Holland, I venture to write to you concerning a matter in which your immediate and active co-operation with others may rescue him from a condition which will prove, if allowed to continue, very much to his detriment, and ultimate unhappiness.

      "You are, then, hereby informed, that he, Charles Holland, has, much earlier than he ought to have done, returned to England, and that the object of his return is to contract a marriage into a family in every way objectionable, and with a girl who is highly objectionable.

      "You, admiral, are his nearest and almost his only relative in the world; you are the guardian of his property, and, therefore, it becomes a duty on your part to interfere to save him from the ruinous consequences of a marriage, which is sure to bring ruin and distress upon himself and all who take an interest in his welfare.

      "The family he wishes to marry into is named Bannerworth, and the young lady's name is Flora Bannerworth. When, however, I inform you that a vampyre is in that family, and that if he marries into it, he marries a vampyre, and will have vampyres for children, I trust I have said enough to warn you upon the subject, and to induce you to lose no time in repairing to the spot.

      "If you stop at the Nelson's Arms at Uxotter, you will hear of me. I can be sent for, when I will tell you more.

      "Yours, very obediently and humbly,

      "JOSIAH CRINKLES."

      "P.S. I enclose you Dr. Johnson's definition of a vampyre, which is as follows:

      "VAMPYRE (a German blood-sucker)—by which you perceive how many vampyres, from time immemorial, must have been well entertained at the expense of John Bull, at the court of St. James, where no thing hardly is to be met with but German blood-suckers."

      The lawyer ceased to read, and the amazed look with which he glanced at the face of Admiral Bell would, under any other circumstances, have much amused him. His mind, however, was by far too much engrossed with a consideration of the danger of Charles Holland, his nephew, to be amused at anything; so, when he found that the little lawyer said nothing, he bellowed out—

      "Well, sir?"

      "We—we—well," said the attorney.

      "I've sent for you, and here you are, and here I am, and here's Jack Pringle. What have you got to say?"

      "Just this much," said Mr. Crinkles, recovering himself a little, "just this much, sir, that I never saw that letter before in all my life."

      "You—never—saw—it?"

      "Never."

      "Didn't you write it?"

      "On my solemn word of honour, sir, I did not."

      Jack Pringle whistled, and the admiral looked puzzled. Like the admiral in the song, too, he "grew paler," and then Mr. Crinkles added—

      "Who has forged my name to a letter such as this, I cannot imagine. As for writing to you, sir, I never heard of your existence, except publicly, as one of those gallant officers who have spent a long life in nobly fighting their country's battles, and who are entitled to the admiration and the applause of every Englishman."

      Jack and the admiral looked at each other in amazement, and then the latter exclaimed—

      "What! This from a lawyer?"

      "A lawyer, sir," said Crinkles, "may know how to appreciate the deeds of gallant men, although he may not be able to imitate them. That letter, sir, is a forgery, and I now leave you, only much gratified at the incident which has procured me the honour of an interview with a gentleman, whose name will live in the history of his country. Good day, sir! Good day!"

      "No! I'm d——d if you go like that," said Jack, as he sprang to the door, and put his back against it. "You shall take a glass with me in honour of the wooden walls of Old England, d——e, if you was twenty lawyers."

      "That's right, Jack," said the admiral. "Come, Mr. Crinkles, I'll think, for your sake, there may be two decent lawyers in the world, and you one of them. We must have a bottle of the best wine the ship—I mean the house—can afford together."

      "If it is your command, admiral, I obey with pleasure," said the attorney; "and although I assure you, on my honour, I did not write that letter, yet some of the matters mentioned in it are so generally notorious here, that I can afford you information concerning them."

      "Can you?"

      "I regret to say I can, for I respect the parties."

      "Sit down, then—sit down. Jack, run to the steward's room and get the wine. We will go into it now starboard and larboard. Who the deuce could have written that letter?"

      "I have not the least idea, sir."

      "Well—well, never mind; it has brought me here, that's something, so I won't grumble much at it. I didn't know my nephew was in England, and I dare say he didn't know I was;