William Shakespeare - Ultimate Collection: Complete Plays & Poetry in One Volume. William Shakespeare

Sir, if it please your honour, this is not so.

       ELBOW. Prove it before these varlets here, thou honourable man, prove it.

       ESCALUS.

       [To ANGELO.] Do you hear how he misplaces?

       CLOWN. Sir, she came in great with child; and longing,—saving your honour’s reverence—for stew’d prunes; sir, we had but two in the house, which at that very distant time stood, as it were, in a fruit dish, a dish of some threepence; your honours have seen such dishes; they are not China dishes, but very good dishes.

       ESCALUS.

       Go to, go to; no matter for the dish, sir.

       CLOWN. No, indeed, sir, not of a pin; you are therein in the right; but to the point. As I say, this Mistress Elbow, being, as I say, with child, and being great-bellied, and longing, as I said, for prunes; and having but two in the dish, as I said, Master Froth here, this very man, having eaten the rest, as I said, and, as I say, paying for them very honestly;—for, as you know, Master Froth, I could not give you threepence again,—

       FROTH.

       No, indeed.

       CLOWN. Very well; you being then, if you be remember’d, cracking the stones of the foresaid prunes,—

       FROTH.

       Ay, so I did indeed.

       CLOWN. Why, very well: I telling you then, if you be remember’d, that such a one and such a one were past cure of the thing you wot of, unless they kept very good diet, as I told you,—

       FROTH.

       All this is true.

       CLOWN.

       Why, very well then.

       ESCALUS.

       Come, you are a tedious fool: to the purpose. What was done to

       Elbow’s wife that he hath cause to complain of? Come me to what

       was done to her.

       CLOWN.

       Sir, your honour cannot come to that yet.

       ESCALUS.

       No, sir, nor I mean it not.

       CLOWN. Sir, but you shall come to it, by your honour’s leave. And, I beseech you, look into Master Froth here, sir, a man of fourscore pound a-year; whose father died at Hallowmas:—was’t not at Hallowmas, Master Froth?

       FROTH.

       All-hallond eve.

       CLOWN. Why, very well; I hope here be truths: He, sir, sitting, as I say, in a lower chair, sir;—‘twas in the ‘Bunch of Grapes’, where, indeed, you have a delight to sit, have you not?—

       FROTH.

       I have so; because it is an open room, and good for winter.

       CLOWN.

       Why, very well then;—I hope here be truths.

       ANGELO.

       This will last out a night in Russia,

       When nights are longest there: I’ll take my leave,

       And leave you to the hearing of the cause;

       Hoping you’ll find good cause to whip them all.

       ESCALUS.

       I think no less. Good morrow to your lordship.

       [Exit ANGELO.]

       Now, sir, come on; what was done to Elbow’s wife, once more?

       CLOWN.

       Once, sir? there was nothing done to her once.

       ELBOW.

       I beseech you, sir, ask him what this man did to my wife.

       CLOWN.

       I beseech your honour, ask me.

       ESCALUS.

       Well, sir: what did this gentleman to her?

       CLOWN.

       I beseech you, sir, look in this gentleman’s face.—Good Master

       Froth, look upon his honour; ‘tis for a good purpose.—Doth your

       honour mark his face?

       ESCALUS.

       Ay, sir, very well.

       CLOWN.

       Nay, I beseech you, mark it well.

       ESCALUS.

       Well, I do so.

       CLOWN.

       Doth your honour see any harm in his face?

       ESCALUS.

       Why, no.

       CLOWN. I’ll be supposed upon a book his face is the worst thing about him. Good then; if his face be the worst thing about him, how could Master Froth do the constable’s wife any harm? I would know that of your honour.

       ESCALUS.

       He’s in the right. Constable, what say you to it?

       ELBOW. First, an it like you, the house is a respected house; next, this is a respected fellow; and his mistress is a respected woman.

       CLOWN. By this hand, sir, his wife is a more respected person than any of us all.

       ELBOW. Varlet, thou liest; thou liest, wicked varlet: the time is yet to come that she was ever respected with man, woman, or child.

       CLOWN.

       Sir, she was respected with him before he married with her.

       ESCALUS.

       Which is the wiser here, Justice or Iniquity?—is this true?

       ELBOW. O thou caitiff! O thou varlet! O thou wicked Hannibal! I respected with her before I was married to her? If ever I was respected with her, or she with me, let not your worship think me the poor duke’s officer.—Prove this, thou wicked Hannibal, or I’ll have mine action of battery on thee.

       ESCALUS. If he took you a box o’ th’ ear, you might have your action of slander too.

       ELBOW. Marry, I thank your good worship for it. What is’t your worship’s pleasure I should do with this wicked caitiff?

       ESCALUS. Truly, officer, because he hath some offences in him that thou wouldst discover if thou couldst, let him continue in his courses till thou knowest what they are.

       ELBOW. Marry, I thank your worship for it.—Thou seest, thou wicked varlet, now, what’s come upon thee; thou art to continue now, thou varlet; thou art to continue.

       ESCALUS.

       [To FROTH.] Where were you born, friend?

       FROTH.

       Here in Vienna, sir.

       ESCALUS.

       Are you of fourscore pounds a-year?

       FROTH.

       Yes, an’t please you, sir.

       ESCALUS.

       So.—[To the CLOWN.] What trade are you of, sir?

       CLOWN.

       A tapster; a poor widow’s tapster.

       ESCALUS.

       Your mistress’ name?

       CLOWN.

       Mistress Overdone.

       ESCALUS.

       Hath she had any more than one husband?

       CLOWN.

       Nine, sir; Overdone by the last.

       ESCALUS. Nine!—Come hither to me, Master Froth. Master Froth, I would not have you acquainted with tapsters: they will draw you, Master Froth, and you will hang them. Get you gone, and let me hear no more of you.

       FROTH. I thank your worship. For mine own part, I never come into any room in a taphouse but I am drawn in.