William Shakespeare : Complete Collection (37 plays, 160 sonnets and 5 Poetry...). William Shakespeare

Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learn’d before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.

       [Enter] Bardolph.

      Bard. Out alas, sir, cozenage! mere cozenage.

      Host. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

      Bard. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

      Host. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain, do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

       [Enter] Evans.

      Evans. Where is mine host?

      Host. What is the matter, sir?

      Evans. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town, tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozen’d all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you. You are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozen’d. Fare you well.

       [Exit.]

       [Enter] Caius.

      Caius. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

      Host. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

      Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good will; adieu.

       [Exit.]

      Host. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight, I am undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

       [Exeunt Host and Bardolph.]

      Fal. I would all the world might be cozen’d, for I have been cozen’d and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transform’d, and how my transformation hath been wash’d and cudgell’d, they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfall’n as a dried pear. I never prosper’d since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough [to say my prayers], I would repent.

       [Enter Mistress] Quickly.

      Now? whence come you?

      Quick. From the two parties, forsooth.

      Fal. The devil take one party and his dam the other! and so they shall be both bestow’d. I have suffer’d more for their sakes—more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

      Quick. And have not they suffer’d? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

      Fal. What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver’d me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’ stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.

      Quick. Sir—let me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so cross’d.

      Fal. Come up into my chamber.

       Exeunt.

       ¶

Scene VI

       Enter Fenton, Host.

      Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me, my mind is heavy; I will give over all.

       Fent.

      Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

      And (as I am a gentleman) I’ll give thee

      A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

      Host. I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will (at the least) keep your counsel.

       Fent.

      From time to time I have acquainted you

      With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,

      Who mutually hath answer’d my affection

      (So far forth as herself might be her chooser)

      Even to my wish. I have a letter from her

      Of such contents as you will wonder at;

      The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,

      That neither, singly, can be manifested

      Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff

      Hath a great scene; the image of the jest

      I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:

      To-night at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,

      Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;

      The purpose why, is here; in which disguise,

      While other jests are something rank on foot,

      Her father hath commanded her to slip

      Away with Slender, and with him at Eton

      Immediately to marry. She hath consented.

      Now, sir,

      Her mother (even strong against that match

      And firm for Doctor Caius) hath appointed

      That he shall likewise shuffle her away,

      While other sports are tasking of their minds,

      And at the dean’ry, where a priest attends,

      Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot

      She (seemingly obedient) likewise hath

      Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:

      Her father means she shall be all in white;

      And in that habit, when Slender sees his time

      To take her by the hand and bid her go,

      She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended

      (The better to [denote] her to the doctor,

      For they must all be mask’d and vizarded)

      That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob’d,

      With ribands pendant, flaring ’bout her head;

      And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,

      To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,

      The maid hath given consent to go with him.

       Host.

      Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

       Fent.

      Both, my good host, to go along with me.

      And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar

      To stay for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,

      And in the lawful name of marrying,