Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

As a result of these studies, Masters and Johnson came up with four distinct phases for human sexual response. Later, Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, under whom I trained, created her own model, which included elements of Masters and Johnson’s phases as well as one of her own.

Examining an individual’s sexual response cycle is integral to the diagnosis that sex therapists make of anyone who comes to them with a sexual problem. Understanding the various categories of the sexual response cycle can also help you to become the best possible lover, so read the following definitions very carefully.

       Sexual Desire Phase: The Sexual Desire Phase, sometimes called the libido, precedes actual physical or psychological stimulation. This part of the model is Dr. Kaplan’s alone. Dr. Kaplan observed that certain chemicals in the body (primarily testosterone — the male sex hormone, which is also present in females) trigger these inner sexual feelings. Sexual excitement builds upon these feelings.Dr. Kaplan examined and labeled this phase because of her work in sexual therapy, where she noted that some people’s desire for sex was so low that they rarely or never reached the other phases of the cycle. Only by studying what was going on in this earlier stage could she discover what was causing their difficulties.

       Excitement Phase: The Excitement Phase arises when the genitals experience vasocongestion, which is a swelling caused by an increase in blood filling the tissues.In men, this excitement leads to an erection. In women, this excitement leads to a swelling of the clitoris and vaginal lips, increased vaginal lubrication, increased breast size, and erection of the nipples. Other physical signs of this phase include increased heartbeat, breathing rate, and blood pressure. Arm and leg muscles may begin to tense; some people experience a “sex flush” on the upper abdomen that may spread to the chest area.This phase is usually generated by one or a combination of several physical, visual, or psychological stimuli, which can be caused either by oneself or a partner. Foreplay (which I cover in Chapter 9) usually gets these responses started.

       Plateau Phase: In the Plateau Phase, certain aspects of the Excitement Phase reach a slightly higher level, with tensions building.According to Masters and Johnson, men exhibit two physical signs during this period:First, a few droplets of fluid are released at the head of the penis to act as a lubricant for the sperm. (These droplets, released by the Cowper’s gland, may also contain sperm left in the urethra from earlier ejaculations, which is what makes the withdrawal method so risky. Chapter 7 gives more information on the pitfalls of the so-called pullout method of birth control.)Also, the man’s testes enlarge and are pulled closer to the body. Dr. Kaplan incorporates all of these reactions of the Plateau Phase as an extension of the Excitement Phase because the individual doesn’t sense any difference between the Excitement and Plateau stages, making these subtle differences of no value to her in treating a sexual dysfunction.

       Orgasm Phase: During the Orgasm Phase, in both men and women, your body goes through a whole series of muscular contractions and spasms, including facial contortions, an increased respiratory rate and heartbeat, and a further increase in blood pressure. Your genitals also experience strong contractions. (For more about having an orgasm, read Chapter 12.)The man undergoes the further contraction of ejaculation, which occurs in two stages: the moment of inevitability, characterized by sensations that mark the so-called point of no return (which I talk more about in Chapter 22), followed immediately by ejaculation.

       Resolution Phase: In this last phase (which only Masters and Johnson include), the body slowly returns to normal — the physical conditions that existed before the Excitement Stage began. This Resolution Phase is much longer for women than for men, making it the basis for afterplay (which is the topic of Chapter 13).In addition, men have the refractory period, which is the time needed after orgasm before the man can respond to more sexual stimulation and have another erection and orgasm. In young men, this period can be as short as a few minutes; the length of the refractory period grows as a man ages.

      

The man reaches the Excitement Phase much more quickly than the woman, and the woman has a much longer Resolution Phase. I suggest extending foreplay as much as possible to help compensate for this difference.

Partnering Up

      People’s appetite for sex builds as time goes on, as I mentioned in the “Enjoying a sensory experience” section earlier in this chapter, but people have another need, and that is to form a bond with another person. It seems we are made to go by twos, the way the animals marched into Noah’s ark. The biological reason may be to bring up the children produced by sex, but we wouldn’t need love and romance if that were the only case. We also need companionship, someone to share our lives with, as well as to have sex.

      For love and the long haul

      When men were hunter-gatherers, you needed two people to raise a family, but today, the millions of single parents prove that one person can bring up children. But while sociological changes have taken place that promote people remaining single, the drive to find someone to love remains a strong one. The drive is so strong that many people who get divorced don’t give up on the institution of marriage but may undergo this rite again and again. Hope springs eternal that we will all find our true love, and that’s because we all feel the need to share our lives with another person.

      With so many people all around us, it becomes almost inevitable that someone seeking love will find someone else with whom to share that love. Yes, love can be blind and sometimes you choose the wrong person, but more often than not, if love doesn’t last it’s because the two people didn’t know about the care that love needs. And part of the glue that holds love together is sex, and so the more you know about sex, the greater success you’ll have in love. I give you suggestions on finding a partner in Chapter 5, and if you’re in a long-term relationship and want to add some excitement to your sex life, I wrote Chapters 14 and 24 for you.

      For lust and the fun of it all

      While sex improves love, and vice versa, sex can certainly exist without love. One-night stands may have inherent dangers, but they can also be quite pleasurable. And having sex with a person for the first time always heightens the experience. It comes from a mixture of curiosity (What does he or she look like naked?), fear (Will I satisfy this person?), lust (I don’t want all the entanglements of a relationship, I just want sex.), and selfishness (This one’s for me.).

      However, one-night stands have a way of becoming two nights. Separating our arousal from the rest of our emotions isn’t always easy. Some people these days engage in sex with people who are just friends, sharing “benefits.” If that happens once, then perhaps that’s as far as it will go. But if two friends are having sex with some regularity, the odds are pretty good that at least one of them will want to be more than just friends.

      Flying solo

      Of course, if the urge to have sex becomes too strong, and no partner is available, then sexual satisfaction can be found through self-pleasuring or masturbation. To some degree, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Masturbating does bring relief from sexual tension. Sex with a partner can add many more nuances to the overall pleasure of the act, but there’s no doubt that masturbation can be better than nothing.

Masturbation