I Have No Secrets. Penny Joelson

I can’t begin to imagine that. She’s lucky Mum and Dad have so much patience and can cope with her.

      I hear Sarah and Dan in the hall. And so does Olivia. She stops mid-twirl and dashes out of the room. The front door clicks before she can get there and her screams pierce through the house as she yells at Sarah for not letting her say goodbye to Dan.

      It takes Sarah at least five minutes to calm her down. ‘Come on, Olivia, time for bed,’ Sarah says in the end. I can still hear the occasional muted sob.

      My head is pounding from the screaming. Olivia’s music is still playing and that doesn’t help either.

      I sit waiting. The music finally comes to a stop. The house is peaceful at last. I am drifting off. My headache dulls from a throb to a slight pulsing. I’m hoping that when Sarah comes to put me to bed, she’ll tell me what Dan said – why he came.

      Dad comes in after putting Finn to bed and puts the TV on, turning me so I am facing it.

      ‘Mastermind ’s on,’ he says. ‘Let’s see how many we can answer.’

      The first chosen subject is Agatha Christie. I can actually answer lots of the questions. I even get one right that the man in the chair gets wrong.

      Mum comes in eventually and flops down on the sofa next to Dad. Dad puts his arm round her. Mum’s mobile rings. Dad sighs as Mum pulls it from her cardigan pocket.

      ‘Hello, Paula,’ Mum says. ‘How are you, love?’ There’s a long pause. ‘Really? Well that’s encouraging!’

      ‘What did she say?’ Dad asks, after Mum puts away her phone.

      ‘The police had a lot of calls after Crimewatch. Apparently they’ve been questioning someone today.’

      ‘Let’s hope he’s the one,’ says Dad. ‘It would be good to know he’s off the streets.’

      Sarah is unusually quiet as she gets me ready for bed. Most likely Olivia has worn her out. Or maybe it’s what Dan said to her in private when he came round. It couldn’t have been Dan the police were questioning, could it? Was he telling Sarah he’s a suspect? Sarah is quiet, but she doesn’t seem shocked or upset. Then again, she’s under Dan’s spell, like everyone else, so I’m sure he could’ve convinced her that he had nothing to do with it. I wish she would talk to me.

11

      Sarah is still quiet when she dresses me on Sunday morning. She doesn’t mention Dan. Mum and Dad say nothing more about Ryan or the man the police questioned. Everyone is busy getting ready for Finn’s sixth birthday.

      Finn doesn’t like balloons, but Dad has found some ‘Happy Birthday’ bunting with alternating blue and yellow triangles. Finn is oblivious to the specialness of the day, and has no interest in the birthday cards so Olivia opens them for him. Finn is more interested in the coloured envelopes, and proceeds to line them up neatly across the floor. I watch him and at one point he looks up at me and meets my eyes. Although neither of us can speak, I feel close to Finn. I always have. I sense that he likes me watching him.

      Mum and Olivia bake a cake. I enjoy the bustle in the kitchen and the lovely baking smells, especially the smell of melted chocolate, which Mum lets me taste from a spoon. Olivia is happy and doing what Mum tells her for a change. Mum is so patient with her, even when she spills a load of sugar on the floor. While the cake’s in the oven, Sarah takes Olivia for a walk to the shops and they come back with bags of little sweets and chocolate buttons to decorate it with. Olivia is ecstatic. Once the cake has cooled, Mum ices it with buttercream and Olivia lines up the sweets and chocolate buttons in neat rows saying, ‘Finn will like it like that.’ She puts the candles in a line across the middle.

      ‘It looks great,’ she announces, and rubs her tummy. ‘Yum, yum!’

      ‘You’ll have to wait until teatime,’ Mum warns, but once she’s left the room Olivia stays next to the cake, staring at it greedily.

      She looks thoughtful, then carefully takes three chocolate buttons and three sweets from each row and moves the others along to cover the gaps. She stuffs the ones she’s taken into her mouth.

      Mum comes back before Olivia can do it again.

      Soon it’s time for Finn to open his presents. Dad showed me his present when he bought it and I’ve been looking forward to seeing Finn’s reaction. We all sit in the living room and watch as Finn opens the stripy wrapping paper parcel. He pulls out a huge box of matchsticks.

      They’re not matches you light – but ones people use to make model ships with and things like that. There’s a picture of one on the box. When Dad showed me I didn’t get it at first – I couldn’t see Finn making model ships. But then Dad took out a few matchsticks and lined them up. Dad understands Finn.

      Finn examines the box, opens it and tips all the matchsticks out. A huge beam spreads across his face. Finn rarely smiles and I have never seen a smile as big as this. I catch Dad’s eye – his grin is as big as Finn’s. Finn gets busy making a line of matchsticks that stretches the length of the living room.

      ‘Don’t give me matchsticks when it’s my birthday, will you?’ says Olivia.

      Dad laughs.

      We go into the kitchen and Mum lights the candles on the cake, but Finn is still lining up his matchsticks and won’t come in. In the end, Mum brings the cake carefully into the living room and Mum, Dad, Sarah and Olivia sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Finn doesn’t even look up, but I feel suddenly happy, with the brightness of the candles and the warmth of my family around me.

      ‘You can blow the candles out for him,’ Mum tells Olivia, and Olivia jumps up and down with excitement.

      We go back to the kitchen to eat the cake, which is delicious, and Mum keeps a piece for Finn to have later.

      Two hours after Finn opened the present, he and I are alone in the living room. Finn has moved on from lining the matchsticks up along the wall. He is now arranging them in what looks like a big square around my wheelchair – though I can only see part of it. It definitely has at least two right angles. I sense he is enclosing me completely. Now and then he looks at me and meets my eyes as if seeking my approval. I have never seen Finn make eye contact with anyone apart from me. I like being the centre of his play – I feel alive and connected in a way that is rare for me. I think Finn has completed one square as he is now starting a second one, right around the first. He has never made anything but straight lines before.

      I hope Dad will come in – he’s going to be so impressed. I hear footsteps, but it’s Olivia who comes round in front of me and my heart sinks. She sometimes messes up Finn’s neat lines deliberately and I don’t think she’ll understand.

      She gasps. ‘Wow, Finn! That’s amazing.’

      She gets it! I am stunned and feel a bit guilty for assuming she wouldn’t. Then I hear her calling, ‘You lot, come and see! Come and see what Finn’s done!’

      That’s exactly what I wanted to do. Sometimes it happens like that – I know what I want people to do and they do it – and it feels a bit like I can control things, just for a moment. Olivia’s thrilled to be the one who shares the news. Sarah appears first, then Mum and Dad.

      They gather round and all ‘Wow!’ over what Finn has done. Dad tells him it’s brilliant and the others agree. I see Mum squeeze Dad’s hand and they share a smile. Finn continues, apparently oblivious, but I am sure he is pleased.

      In this moment I feel full of love for them all: Mum, Dad, Sarah, Finn – and even Olivia. I don’t want anything to change.

12

      I was on a high after Finn’s birthday until the morning when I remembered about the college visit on Wednesday. Sarah’s already started packing my bag.