I Have No Secrets. Penny Joelson

the cinema.

      Olivia runs round, going on everything. She demands that Mum watches her on the monkey bars and then on the climbing wall. She’s good at climbing as well as dancing.

      I might definitely be too old for playgrounds, but I’d rather be here, with Mum and Sarah and Olivia and Finn, than packed off to some college.

      I’m well wrapped in a warm coat and have a blanket over my knees, but I’m starting to feel cold. The fresh air is doing me no good at all, which is no surprise to me. I feel weak and muzzy-headed. The squeaking of the swing is hurting my ears.

      Sarah looks up from her phone. ‘You’re very pale, Jemma.’

      She goes over to Mum and asks if she can take me home.

      Mum comes and looks at me and nods at Sarah. ‘Yes, you guys go – we won’t be far behind.’

      Sarah pushes me along the pavement, past the local shops, the newsagent’s and the barber’s.

      ‘Oh, look! See that man coming out of the bookie’s?’ says Sarah. ‘I know him – it’s Billy.’

      I’ve heard Sarah call that shop the bookie’s, though I’m not actually sure what they sell. I don’t think it’s books.

      ‘Hi, Billy!’ Sarah calls, as the man walks towards us. The man has his head down, but his shoulders jolt and he looks up sharply, then stops and smiles at her.

      ‘Sarah!’ he says. ‘You all right?’

      Sarah’s mentioned Billy – he’s a friend of Dan’s. She said Dan calls him ‘Billy No Brains’ which sounded mean to me. Sarah just thought it was funny. My head’s really aching now. I hope she’s not going to have a long chat with him.

      ‘This is Jemma,’ Sarah tells him. ‘Jemma, this is Billy.’

      Billy comes round in front of me and smiles at me too. He has a big head and his smile’s so wide it seems to take up most of his face. But he’s a friend of Dan’s, so I’m sure he can’t be that nice really.

      ‘Hi, Jemma. How ya doing?’ says Billy. He looks up at Sarah. ‘Dan’s well smitten, you know. He don’t say much, but I can tell!’

      Sarah laughs. ‘Really?’

      Thanks, Billy, I think crossly. I don’t need him telling her that. Come on, Sarah. Let’s go.

      ‘He’s a good bloke, you know. Takes care of his mates. Look, I gotta be off,’ says Billy. ‘Nice to see you.’

       Good.

      ‘I’ve got to get Jemma home too,’ says Sarah. ‘She’s not well.’

      ‘Say hi to Dan from me,’ says Billy. ‘Hope you feel better, Jemma.’

10

      At last we’re home and I’m glad to be inside in the warm. My worries slip away and my head feels better. I enjoy a peaceful five minutes in the lounge before I hear a wailing sound from outside. Mum’s key is in the door and the wailing gets louder.

      ‘Come on, inside,’ Mum is telling Olivia. I hear Finn run past and up the stairs. I think he finds Olivia’s tantrums as painful as I do.

      ‘It wasn’t my fault! That boy pushed in front of me!’ Olivia blubs.

      ‘You didn’t have to hit him, though, did you?’ Mum says.

      Olivia has thrown herself on the floor and is kicking and screaming at the top of her voice, while Mum tries to calm her down. I wish I could yell and kick like that.

      Mum and Olivia eventually go upstairs and the screaming becomes more distant.

      By dinner time Olivia’s calmed down. I’m still not hungry, though. Sarah realises this when the food she’s spooning into my mouth just sits there and doesn’t go down.

      ‘Oh, Jem, you’re really not well, are you? I’ll take your temperature again.’

      I don’t have a high temperature, which she soon finds out. After dinner, she leaves me in the lounge with Olivia and Finn. They are changed, ready for bed and watching TV in their dressing gowns. They look cosy and cute, curled up either end of the sofa. It’s 101 Dalmations and I’m half watching too, though I’m not really interested. We’ve seen it loads of times.

      Someone’s at the front door and I hear Dad go to open it.

      And I hear Dan’s voice.

      He’s here again.

      ‘I was just passing and I wondered if I could have a quick word with Sarah,’ Dan says. ‘It won’t take long, I promise.’

      I wish Dad would just tell him to clear off.

      ‘I’ll call her,’ Dad says.

      Dad leaves Dan waiting in the hall and goes to look for Sarah. But of course Dan doesn’t stay there. I hear his breathing as he comes into the living room. I will him to leave me alone.

      ‘Hiya, Jemma,’ he says.

      Olivia jumps and looks up from the telly. Finn’s eyes stay firmly fixed on the screen, as if he’s heard nothing.

      ‘What are you doing here?’ Olivia asks Dan.

      ‘Just popped in to see Sarah,’ Dan tells her.

      ‘You’re always popping in,’ Olivia comments. ‘Do you love her?’

      I laugh. It comes out as a snort.

      I’m curious to see how Dan reacts.

      He doesn’t answer straight away.

      Then, ‘Yes, I love her,’ he says. He says it like he actually means it.

      Olivia giggles. ‘D’you wanna see me dance?’ she asks.

      Dan moves round and I see him nod. ‘Go on, then.’ He looks longingly at the door. Maybe he wishes he’d stayed in the hall.

      Olivia turns off the telly. Finn continues staring at the blank TV screen while she puts on some ballet music. She takes off her dressing gown and begins to dance in her pink pyjamas. Her steps are in perfect time, her toes pointed. Dan claps and she is delighted with the attention.

      Then Sarah comes in.

      ‘Dan wanted to see me dance,’ Olivia tells her.

      ‘She’s good too,’ says Dan.

      Olivia beams, hanging on to Dan’s arm. ‘He loves you,’ she tells Sarah. ‘I know cos he told me.’

      Sarah smiles at Dan. ‘What’s up? It’s not the best time . . .’

      He untangles himself from Olivia, pulls Sarah into his arms and kisses her – as if that is the answer to her question.

      Olivia watches, standing right next to them. She giggles loudly again. ‘D’you want me to kiss you like that, Finn?’ She flings herself on to the sofa and pushes her lips towards him teasingly. Finn ducks and dashes upstairs.

      ‘Can we go somewhere more private?’ Dan asks. ‘Only for a minute. I won’t keep you from your work.’

      He heads past me towards the door and I watch anxiously as Sarah follows. She moves quickly out of sight, but I can still hear her in the hallway, telling him we bumped into Billy. They must have moved further away or lowered their voices because I don’t hear any more.

      Olivia watches them go too and turns to me, her face sullen. She didn’t want them to go off to talk ‘in private’ any more than I did. She starts practising her dance in front of me. I think she’s hoping to dance for Dan again before he goes. I hope he goes soon.

      I watch Olivia dance. She looks almost angelic with