Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated). Maddox

red just as you get to the stop line, giving you a good excuse to slam on your breaks.

      This part requires a great deal of self-discipline because it contradicts man’s every instinct to “run the yellow.”

      Make sure to open your hand at the last second to palm her chest, otherwise your efforts will have gone to waste (Figure 7).

      The momentum method can be an especially useful choice if you happen to be good at feigning sincerity. A successful completion will not only give you the satisfaction of touching her boobs but also makes you seem like you were concerned over the well-being of your passenger; it’s a win-win. Keep in mind that for this to work, she has to believe that your arm was on her chest to prevent her from suffering the mild abrasions sometimes associated with seatbelt locking. Don’t let her suggest that the airbags would have protected her. Bags of air are no substitute for a real man’s arm.

      While this method is useful, it only gives you a superficial feel of her breast. It barely registers as a touch, let alone a fully realized grope. If you want to go for gold, you need to step up to the next level. You need to maximize your palm-to-tit surface area, and there are only a few ways to do this without getting slapped. Your best bet is to blend in with a crowd, and there’s no better place than at a concert.

      Concerts are not only great for chest grabbers, but they’re also great for the lazy ass-gropers who don’t want to put forth the effort and planning it takes to touch an ass in a day-to-day setting. But before you make an attempt, you need to survey your surroundings to scope out the location of all the hot chicks. This can be tricky because women at rock concerts usually don’t go up to the very front where they’re likely to get their asses kicked, so they tend to stay further back in the crowd. The catch is that the front is usually where you’ll find the best prospects for breast grabbing, because the masses tend to pack tight in the front like idiots so they can get closer to the band, because the band members take note of the people up front so they can become friends after the show.

      Luckily, not all women are afraid of the crowds up front, and once you’ve spotted a target, the first thing you need to do is get in position. Here are the specific steps you need to take.

      STEP 1: The best position to be in for this maneuver is standing behind a guy who’s standing behind her (Figure 8). This step is critical, because this guy will be your scapegoat, unless he happens to be her boyfriend, in which case you’re on your own. Don’t worry about the details too much though, things usually work out.

      STEP 2: Weave your arm through the crowd to reach the side of your target; you may need to feel around a bit for her breast. Since space is limited, it will be difficult for her to turn around quickly.

      Figure 8: You (1), your scapegoat (2), and your target (3).

      Figure 9: You should have a blank look on your face. Look straight ahead as you get acquainted with her breast. She might suspect the person standing behind her as the culprit, but never the person standing behind him. Never.

      Her first inclination will be to look down in disbelief at the hand groping her chest (Figure 9). Don’t let this dissuade you. Just because she sees your hand doesn’t mean she knows whom it belongs to.

      STEP 3: Most concerts are poorly lit, making it difficult for your subject to discern distinguishable facial features, even if she happens to turn around quickly.

      This extra cover should give you ample time to pump her breast once, maybe twice, tops (Figure 10). Any more than that, and it means one of two things: she’s either into it (which should send you psycho-bitch signals like crazy), or she might not have a pulse. Just don’t get carried away.

      Figure 10: Get a good feel—you’re in the safety zone.

      As she turns around, release the tit and let your arm fall gently to your side. Since success of this operation depends on your ability to look natural, it’s worth emphasizing that you need to be looking straight ahead of you as if nothing has happened. When she finally turns around, do not make eye contact! If you were at a concert and someone standing in front of you suddenly turned around, would you normally make eye contact? Of course not, so don’t start being social now. Act natural and play it cool. Pulling this one off will make you a pro, and then it’s your duty to give back to collective manhood by teaching future generations how to cop a feel and get away with it.

      D is for…TAKING A DUMP

      POSSIBLY THE PUREST FORM OF SATISFACTION a man can derive from life is the satisfaction that comes from taking a really good shit. I have, on more than one occasion, called my friends to tell them of my fecal conquests, and likewise, concluded many relationships with these tales.

      One of the great things about taking a dump is the solitude you get when you spend a little time on your throne. Most men take three or more dumps per day. Not always out of necessity, but sometimes just to get away from their nagging girlfriends and droning wives. Even the most frigid old hag will temporarily yield her bitching when it comes time for you to make a donation to the children of Crapistan.

      The phrase “taking a dump” is a bit of a misnomer because you don’t actually take a dump so much as you leave one—and where you leave one is up to you (Figure 1)!

      One of the more dignified reasons a man might spend so much time on the shitter is because men are more productive there. Here’s a short list of things men do while taking a dump:

      PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOTHER: I call my mom all the time from the toilet. Since you have to be there anyway, it’s a great way to keep in touch with your family without feeling like you’re wasting your time.

      Other than the slight echo, she’ll be oblivious to your dishonorable discharge. If you’re particularly skilled at pulling off the shit-call, you don’t have to limit conversations to relatives and acquaintances. I’ve closed more than one business deal while doing my business. I won’t give details, but let’s just say that you might not be reading a certain book about manliness if it weren’t for my expert bowel discipline.

      Figure 1

      The only major pitfall to avoid is noise: fans, dripping, loud shit blasts, and the toilet flush—the most difficult sound to explain. Here are a few explanations for each:

      Fan: You have a bad connection/it’s windy outside/outright lie (i.e., “I don’t hear anything”).

      Dripping: You’re washing your hands/you’re washing dishes/outright lie (i.e., “What dripping?”).

      Loud shit blasts: A car backfired/you dropped a roll of coins into a tub of oatmeal.

      Toilet flush: Express indignation that he or she would suggest that you would go to the bathroom during a phone call. If that doesn’t work, resort to extreme sarcasm, “Yeah right, I’m taking a shit while I talk on the phone. Oh, that reminds me, hold on a second while I wipe my ass.” Then really wipe your ass and come back on the phone and call him an “idiot.”

      With a bit of practice, creative explanation, or a mute button, the party you’re speaking to will be none the wiser to your deuce dropping detour.

      LEARN CHINESE: Mandarin is a difficult language to learn, but a useful one if you ever plan on traveling to China or the engineering department at a university. Unless you