Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated). Maddox

book isn’t for you. Kindly put it down and get the fuck out of the store. On the other hand, maybe you’re a woman and you’re reading this wondering “Is this book just for men?” I would say that it is only for men in the same way that lesbian porn sites on the Internet are only for women.

THE ALPHABET OF MANLINESS

      A is for…ASS-KICKING

      THE PHRASE “ASS KICKING” has changed over the years from its humble origin as the union of one’s foot with another person’s ass, to an expression today that has nothing to do with asses, or even kicking. The picture at the beginning of this section epitomizes ass kicking. Time for a pop quiz: What’s more awesome than a lumberjack punching Santa in the face? (A) Nothing, or (B) All the above. I gave this quiz to my friend’s wife, and she got the wrong answer. She kept asking questions like “what’s so cool about Santa getting punched in the face? That’s not cool, that’s mean.” Wrong answer, bitch. The reason she doesn’t “get it” is the same reason all women don’t get it: Men invented ass kicking along with chainsaws, beef jerky, and happiness.

      Although purists would agree that the classic ass kicking (Figure 1) is sufficiently awesome and/or tits, new approaches, techniques, and interpretations have been welcomed to the ass-kicking catalogue over the years. Take for example the punch-to-the-cojones ass kicking. Just follow the two simple steps in Figures 2 and 3 to find yourself ball-busting in no time.

      Figure 1: Ass, meet foot

      THE COCK PUNCH

      There are two main procedures for transferring one’s fist to the cock. The first method is the crescent punch, which is especially handy with missionaries who can’t take a hint, people who jog in place while waiting for the light to turn green, and self-important clerks who ask, “What can I do you for?” Of course, if you answer the subtle sexual proposition, the clerk will always seem confused because it’s a mantra that’s often chanted unintentionally, almost like it’s a desperate last attempt at being a comedian, or anything else that doesn’t so closely resemble the mundane hell of life in a convenience store, thus warranting a slug to said clerk’s pecker. The crescent approach isn’t a cock punch in the strictest sense of the word, as one rarely punches the actual cock as defined as shaft + helmet. It’s more of a nut busting (not to be confused with busting a nut), but still, it’s related to the cock punching family.

      CRESCENT METHOD

      STEP 1: Wind back in a graceful, semicircular motion (Figure 2). Note: the trick here is having a good excuse to find yourself below the victim’s waist line. For example, try saying “oops, I need to tie my shoe laces,” or “hey look, some spare change,” or the fail safe “I think I’ll crouch down here for no reason, especially not to punch you in the dick.”

      Figure 2

      STEP 2: Thrust your fist into the opponent’s crotch so that the momentum of your thrust is directed upward, as if to force the gonads back into the pelvic cavity (Figure 3). Note: if your victim happens to be a woman, this method is known as the “ovarian delight,” which isn’t a delight so much as a jab to the ovaries.

      Figure 3

      STEALTH METHOD

      The second, more common delivery method is the top-down, or high-level approach. It is sometimes referred to as the “stealth” method because the victim rarely foresees the dong thumping he’s about to receive. This method is most easily carried out during casual conversations, especially as a substitute for feigning interest in whatever boring activity your co-workers filled their weekends with. Start out with a friendly gesture, perhaps a bit of light small talk like “how’s it going?” Or even “hanging in there?” Don’t get too carried away though. Asking questions like “how’s work?” might suggest that you have some knowledge of whatever project your coworker is working on, which might give him or her the impression that you’re interested, or even worse, that you care.

      If things go awry and you find yourself inundated with too much boring psychobabble too quickly, it’s acceptable to initiate early, though a premature thrust may dampen the satisfaction of leading your victim on with knowing nods and polite “mmm hmm”s. When you’re finally ready, make sure to step into the punch so you have the weight of your body backing you (Figure 4). If you punch hard enough, it’s possible to punch someone’s dick clean off, though you have to be extremely manly to do this. We’re talking hairy eyeballs.

      Figure 4: Let him know you mean business with a stealthy jab to the shaft.

      DROPKICK TO THE FACE

      The dropkick isn’t just for impressing your peers by dispatching litter into a ravine, or for those unfortunate occasions when you find yourself actually having to play soccer. The dropkick can be employed in situations ranging from setting a friend straight for making eye contact at a urinal to punishing children for bad grades.1

      STEP 1: Hold the subject by his head (Figure 5).

      Figure 5

      STEP 2: While standing on one foot, lift one of your legs back to charge for the kick, and simultaneously drop your subject (Figure 6). Caution: It is important to note here that you must drop the subject. Do not toss him! This is a dropkick, not some pansy tosskick (Figure 7). Do it right, don’t be an asshole.

      Figure 6: Right

      Figure 7

      STEP 3: Connect the kick with the face. As awesome as this is, try to stay focused to make it count (Figure 8). You may optionally gloat, but do not initiate some stupid Super Bowl touchdown dance. This will only make you look stupid, which may qualify you for a cock punch of your own.

      Figure 8: Fucking wrong.

      PLAIN OLD HONEST-TO-GOD PUNCH TO THE MOUTH

      Sometimes a friend or relative will do or say something so stupid that you have no choice but to cock your arm back and slug that son of a bitch right in the mouth. Sometimes the person is so annoying that this happens involuntarily, like your arms transform into sentient beings with a primal sense of justice, lashing out at the source of your frustration like a reflex; nothing too showy, just a plain old-fashioned punch to the kisser (Figure 9).

      For example, everyone knows someone who will drive an extra ten minutes across town to buy gas from a station selling its fuel for $.01 per gallon cheaper than other gas stations. For 99 percent of the population, it’s obvious why this is stupid, but for the rest of you who don’t understand why it’s a waste of time (i.e., the two or three women who will get this far into the book), I’ll elaborate: the average car can hold fifteen gallons per tank, so if you save $.01 per gallon, that’s $0.15 you save every time you fill up, which is usually once per week for most people. So that means you’ll save $0.60 per month, or $7.20 per year. If the average person drives from the age of sixteen to sixty-five, that’s forty-nine years of driving, which brings your grand total of lifetime savings to: $dick.

      When you point this out to your frugal acquaintance, he will