Dr Eve's Sex Book: A Guide for Young People. Marlene Wasserman

an incredible opportunity for a young person living in this country to learn about differences in people and lifestyles. Unfortunately this very diversity lends itself to us also learning about and experiencing prejudice, wrong judgements and intolerance – not great building bricks to self-esteem. If you are in a school, neighbourhood or community in which you and your family are the minority, you may indeed experience violence and discrimination. Feeling different in your own space can be harmful. However, it also allows you the opportunity of growing stronger, and full of conviction of who you are, thus building a really strong sense of self-esteem and confidence.

      Religious and cultural identity becomes a brick that can add positively to your self-esteem, because it places you in a group. Each family practises its religious and cultural beliefs differently. Some families are dogmatic and very fundamental, which may mean that you are sent to a religious school and seldom have contact with people of other cultures and religions. Other families enact their traditional beliefs in a casual way. As a young person you may embrace your culture and religious beliefs without question, but remember: teenagers experiment, explore and get excited. You may suddenly really love the idea of becoming Muslim, devastating your Christian family. Or you fall in love with someone of a different faith or culture. Now there’s a stretch for the whole family!

      Make your religious and cultural bricks work for you. Learn enough about it to withstand teasing, mocking, and even violence. If you have a low self-esteem, building a strong brick here will be useful to you. I do not specifically mean becoming religious, I mean establishing your own unique identity. Whatever your do – embracing your present traditional beliefs or creating a new one – let it become a positive place of belonging and acceptance for yourself, while tolerating the differences of others, even those of your family.

      Money bricks

      Money brings you pride if you have earned it legally. Money brings you trouble if you have earned it illegally. Money buys you security. Money rules.

      Money makes the world go round. Let’s not beat about the bush: Money buys you “things” – clothes, cellphones, cars, whatever. Money buys you status. You walk taller, you have confidence, people notice you and you get attention. You may get the girls! Money gives you power – power to control situations, even sexual situations. It’s really hard to say no to a guy who is paying your school fees, buying you nice bling-bling and giving you rides in a car (this person may even be your father). Money brings you pride if you have earned it legally. Money brings you trouble if you have earned it illegally. Money buys you security. Money rules.

      Because of the importance and position of money in our lives we need to have a large amount of respect for it. Money, like sexuality, carries an enormous responsibility.

      But also remember that people who believe money is the only thing that brings them happiness are usually very unhappy even when they have the money. There are few things so ugly as seeing someone paying off his guilt with money or attempting to use money to buy your favours. Just like the secret to being a good lover lies in you having a positive attitude and confidence, so too does being good with money require a good attitude and confidence, not arrogance. Such a turnoff!

      In the 1970s a women’s revolution took place around the world. Women demanded their right to equality. They joined the workforce and wanted equal pay for equal work. No longer were women content to stay at home or do menial jobs like being cleaners, servers or nannies to other people’s children. Since then there has been a substantial improvement in women’s rights. However, women are still not equal to men in the workplace. Very few women earn the same amount of money for the same work as men.

      This leaves women financially disempowered, because they need men for money, or for the extras. Certainly a bad place for any girl to be in: you are so vulnerable to abuse and you always feel subservient to men. Women need to have the opportunity to have it so that they can say no to sexual situations they do not want, without fear of losing their homes, cars, gifts, or security. Women with their own money can say: no glove, no love. They will not be tempted or seduced that easily, because they know they can buy their own “things” and look after themselves. When women are better economically empowered, I reckon relationships will work much better; women and men will have more sexual satisfaction and the incidence of HIV/Aids/STIs will drop.

      Dr Eve says:

      All young women should have their own bank accounts which they regularly fill up with money they have earned for themselves in an honest and proud manner.

      Your image

      Imagine walking into a party, a jol, a club. You assess the scene. Your eyes scan the room and automatically your gaze lingers a little longer on people you find attractive. “Attractive” to you could be the girl in the short skirt with her shoulders exposed; it could be the one in jeans and a white shirt. “Attractive” could be the guy in the tight pants and T-shirt or the guy in the shorts and shirt. “Attractive” is so personal. Yet there are certain commonalities in what people consider attractive. Top of the list is body shape – girls have to be thin and perfectly curved and guys have to have a six-pack or “Levi lines”.

      The majority of people are not naturally this perfect. A combination of genes, personal hormones, lifestyle factors, emotional wellness and physical health determine the shape of one’s body.

      As you are discovering, going through puberty into adolescence brings constant body shape changes. There are times that you will feel distinctly unattractive. However, the pressure to look “attractive” is unrelenting. You are reminded at every moment in every magazine, television show, music video and movie that being attractive in a certain set way will ensure you a partner, a fancy car and house and great sexual action. Your own image of yourself is created by the media, your friends and the distorted “you” that you see when you look into your mirror.

      The beauty myth

      The sexual revolution of the sixties and the feminist movement of the seventies brought major changes to women’s lives and shifted relationships between men and women significantly. Blame the feminist movement when a girl tells you she wants to be treated as your equal, when she feels entitled to earn the same salary as you for the same job. She must be a young woman who has a great sense of her own worth!

      However, much of the benefit of the sexual revolution and the feminist movement has been undermined by the beauty myth. Throughout history society has had standards of beauty, but at no time before has there been such an intense media blitz telling us what we should look like. The beauty myth tells a story: women must want to embody it, and men must want to possess women who embody it. Think about any advertisement. It will have a gorgeous woman in it, with a lot of her flesh exposed. She will be draped seductively over the advertised car, boat or bed. The media is using her sexuality to sell a product – what an insult to all the pride that feminism instilled in women!

      The “ideal” female body has been stripped down to being an object and is on display everywhere. Women are given graphic details of perfection against which to measure themselves. Watching MTV is scary stuff – you mean I should look like that? Both guys and girls anxiously scrutinise their bodies in minute detail. They believe they have to have that face, that body, to score a partner and be successful.

      Guys are in a bit of a crisis with this beauty myth. They are mostly interested in women’s bodies and too often don’t actually get to see and know girls for who they really are. They are being taught that a woman’s value lies in her beauty. They watch guys in the media who embody the beauty myth and they too want to look like the strong, handsome dude who owns the house, car and credit cards – because he’s the one who gets the girls.

      Pain and hunger set in for both men and women. Literally. Eating disorders are testimony to the beauty myth.

      What