Dr Eve's Sex Book: A Guide for Young People. Marlene Wasserman

feel important, from whom you receive affection and are popular. These friends will also treat you well, give you hugs, and recognise your status. Choose friends who watch your back and who do not pressurise you into doing things with which you are uncomfortable. Examine your present friendships by questioning what value they bring to your life. Bear in mind that society is judgemental, and especially love to judge and condemn teens. Think whether the group with whom you hang out is good for your reputation. I am not encouraging you to be a loser. I want you to be a winner, somebody who feels good about who he/she is.

      Family bricks

      Your family is unique; it is completely different from your friends’, from families in the movies and on television. You may be proud of some of your family members and deeply embarrassed by others. As you are growing up, you may be aware of how different you are from your parents or siblings. This often leads to extreme conflict and tension. Your best brick in the whole wide world is having a healthy, loving, open family. No other brick contributes as much to giving you the positive self-esteem that is so vital to your wellbeing. If there is open communication with your parents, you stand a chance of becoming a healthy sexual adult. Remember, no parent deliberately sets out to mess up, their intentions are mostly good. Of course, too often parents are wounded children themselves. This disables their ability to parent you in a healthy and mature way.

      Today’s families are so interesting and varied. You don’t always find the garden variety nuclear family nowadays: mother, father, three kids, a house in the suburbs, two cars in the garage and a few pets. Family combinations are endless:

      •Single mother raising kids on her own.

      •Single father raising kids on his own.

      •Parent and step-parent, plus step-siblings.

      •Mother + mother, a woman-headed household (lesbian).

      •Father + father, a male-headed household (gay).

      •Mother, stepfather and half-siblings.

      •Father, stepmother and half-siblings.

      •Father in transition to being a mother (transgender).

      •Mother in transition to being a father (transgender).

      •Grandparents, aunts, uncles raising you.

      •Extended families – mother, father and grandparents all living together under one roof.

      •Child-headed household, no adults.

      •Father commuting – he works in another city and comes home for weekends or holidays.

      •Mother commuting.

      Building your bricks of self-esteem requires spending time with adults you do admire – teachers, other family members, parents of friends, religious leaders, sports or academic achievers.

      The topic of sex is seldom raised in families. Research indicates that children wish they could speak to their parents about sex. Most can’t. Either you are too shy or your parents are uncomfortable with this topic. However, you pick up messages about sex from your parents all the time. You know, the negative remarks they make when there is a sexy scene on television, or bad comments they make about your friends who look “sexy”. Or the expression on your mother’s face when your father sneaks a kiss or touches her butt.

      You could quickly learn that sex is bad when your mother catches you masturbating and freaks out. Or she discovers condoms in your pocket and punishes you by taking away your cellphone. In the worst situation you may be a victim of sexual abuse by a family member. Or perhaps you have been sexually abused by a family member who does not live with you, but no one believed you when you spoke about it. You may realise that your parent(s) is/are conservative and will not be open for discussion about your own sexual concerns. Your only option may be to experiment yourself or believe your friends.

      Building healthy family bricks is challenging. Unfortunately you can’t do much to make your family more functional. Building your bricks of self-esteem requires spending time with adults you do admire – teachers, other family members, parents of friends, religious leaders, sports or academic achievers, etc. Read about people you admire. Consider what you admire in these adults and attempt to take on some of these qualities.

      School bricks

      The school you go to could give you a certain status. High status helps build self-esteem, but not everyone can go to a high-status school. Building school bricks means embracing loyalty, commitment and respect towards your school. This is how you take responsibility for developing your own self-esteem. School is the place where you learn so much about yourself as you encounter different people. It is the playground of competitiveness, jealousy, realising your potential, strengths and weaknesses. Pressure to perform is immense. You will be put into a box: geek, slut, druggie, freak, goth, punk, poser, nerd, jock and more.

      Childline

       080 005 5555

      If you attend a coeducational school, it becomes the place of awareness of sexuality. The “locker room syndrome” is born, the place where boys compare their penises and girls their breasts and bodies. Self-esteem is developed or squashed in this high-pressurised environment.

      Popularity is all-important. Being liked and admired by all, including teachers, is what everyone wants. Cliques are formed, labels given to you, judgements are made which can make or break your self-esteem. Popularity can become skewed and is often determined by your looks, money, family and personal status, rather than by who you are as a person. Changing schools can mean not ever fitting in, constantly feeling on the fringes of the circle, never establishing lifelong solid friendships.

      If you are not popular, you may not be invited to and included in social events out of school hours. Weekends begin to feel as lonely and depressing as going to school. This means that going to school can often be a tortuous, lonely experience.

      If you are one of the unfortunate kids who get bullied, picked on and mocked for no real reason, your school life can be hell. You may even be one of many children who are sexually abused by a teacher. If that is the case, tell someone who will believe you. Phone Childline.

      As in the case of friends and family, healthy school bricks either build or break your self-esteem. It is really hard to like yourself when it feels as if no one else likes you. Escaping into your room at home or the school library during break is a temporary measure of relief. Joining the drug and alcohol clique, or the rebel clique who gets into trouble for stealing cars and housebreaking, or a gang, will not enhance your self-esteem. Oh sure, it will give you the instant acceptance you crave – but the consequences are horrendous. I know you probably can’t hear me on this, as the aloneness, rejection and pain of being an outsider feels too severe for you to manage. This is especially true if you do not have solid family bricks to support you.

      Becoming successful at something seems to work. People notice you, give you the recognition you crave. And I don’t mean being the girl who gives the best blowjob or the guy who can get the best dope in town!

      Find something constructive, something that makes you feel good about yourself. Build bricks while you are at school – be curious about life, watch the progress of people you aspire to be, find a role model and observe him/her, explore yourself and dream a lot.

      Religious and cultural bricks

      Most people are born into a religion and a culture; it just comes with the territory. There are so many religions, like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. and there is variety in each one.

      Let your religious beliefs become a positive place of belonging and acceptance for yourself, while tolerating the differences of others.

      In South Africa cultures abound. Furthermore, eleven official languages with their own derivatives