Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex. Tiffany Kagure Mugo

It’s probably best to figure out these boundaries in more neutral times especially if the sex is part of more formalised partnerships (see section on different ypes of relationships).

      How long do you wait until you try new sex?

      Is there really a universally appropriate and adequate time to wait before finding a new sexual partner (or maybe continuing sex with your other partners)? Usually when you move on exes see that as you being wild and betraying them if you do not at least wait for the length of the relationship plus an extra few months for control. Sometimes even simply moving on is a betrayal. We want people to move on when we are good and ready to pass on our blessings and not a second before.

      But remember the first rule: decentre yourself. Do not make this about you.

      Remember it’s quite possible to have an interest in new people and simultaneously still feel the loss of an old relationship. Also, you’re never going to process the new sex-less situation or new nature of your relationship in precisely the same amount of time or in the same way as each other. It’s best to focus on yourself and how you can carry on with your life in this new state of reality and not try to manage the other person’s choices and reality. You never owned them or had control over their life when you were engaged in the sex and certainly do not have ownership of them now.

      Remember good times you shared, it wasn’t all bad

      It is easy to recreate a false version of events that paints the entire relationship in a negative light. We often default to disregarding an entire relationship of any sort simply because it didn’t end up the way we wanted it to. It’s easy to focus on the bad things and lash out and we forget we also shared amazing moments and experiences with this person. Even if there aren’t any bad moments we then focus on the termination as the ultimate betrayal and use our hurt and pain to justify spewing cruelty into the world. As much as you may be hurting, remember you’re not the only one experiencing this loss. Even if it was the other person who insisted on it.

      People are often quick to discard relationships and disregard any good that came from them and make a point of hurting the other people involved. Often things end and we are like:

      ‘You were never any good’.

      ‘On to the next d*ck please.’

      ‘F**k your mama and papa. And your second cousin twice removed on your granddad’s side.’

      This is often a defence mechanism. Granted there are some very toxic situations that need to be discarded like yesterday’s trash but this is the exception and not the rule.

      Keep to the rules

      If you agree on some rules/boundaries around your sexual separation, keep to them for as long as they are the healthy thing to do. It can be tempting to want to reach out, follow online, start having sex again etc. and this can leave you in a worse-off position once you have regained your senses. Think about what you want may do to the other person, even if it may feel good for you. Also consider the repercussions once the initial ‘good’ feeling passes. Will it feel great to have called and said how much you miss them sitting on your face? Will it feel good to hang out with their friends in order to feel close to them?

      Delete that cellphone number if you know you and alcohol have been known to call people at 2 am. It is not a ‘mistake’ simply because tequila is the one who had the phone and not you.

      You don’t have to stop being in each other’s lives

      So, the sex is over. It could be hard to still interact because now you could feel that the most important part is also gone.

      This could be the case.

      Sometimes the sex was well and truly the only bond.

      But sometimes there was more to it.

      Many of us have learnt that sexual relationships are all or nothing kinda experiences and sex is an intrinsic part of that interaction. Without it everything falls apart and going back to a sex-less state of connection is somehow backtracking on your intimacy and the quality of the connection. However, if this person is a significant part of your life, surely you’d still benefit from a continued friendship? Establish new boundaries and keep each other in check but definitely fight for your friendship. You can still be just as close and have long-lasting and fruitful friendships. You don’t have to hang out all the time or hear about or meet their new partners but it’s quite possible. Part of your emotional intelligence (EQ is real, people) is being able to make rational and healthy choices even in the face of what you’ve been taught is unnatural. Think for yourself and assess these evolving dynamics for yourself, from person to person.

      Break-ups and ending sexual/romantic relationships can be difficult and will have a different impact on different people. What is best is to make sure you are taking care of yourself and also not causing any harm as you draw yourself towards yourself and rebuild after the storm.

      The end of the sex is as important as the start. Ending the sex in a healthy and wholesome way will not only make it so that you can have great new sex but also make sure that you are okay moving forward as a single happy human. It is an important part of putting down that heavy baggage that can come with a break-up, having a proper game plan can make it a whole lot better.

      Tapiwa doesn’t believe in kinks and fetishes. He’s a ‘Yes man’ who’s ready and willing to try all the things, all the time. Tiff wrote this book. You know her.

      9

      GET THAT CROTCH TIGHT: GETTING STRONG FOR SEX

      One motto everyone should live by is drink your water, do your squats and stay in your lane. This axiom should also apply to your sex life. There are ways to keep your sex parts at peak ‘summer body’ levels all year long. Strong healthy muscles are never a bad thing. Kegels are for everyone, both those with a penis and vagina (vulva), everyone can keep it right and keep it tight.

      Why should you do kegels? Because research tells you to.

      According to those ‘in the know’, kegels exercise the group of muscles which help increase blood flow to the groin and are active during sex. Studies have found that strengthening the pelvic floor muscles can improve sexual function, such as erections, orgasms and ejaculations.

      We all pee. This means that kegels can be done by everyone. Often people think they are just for people with vaginas but no they are for everyone and use the exact same technique and muscles.

      A good way to identify the muscles initially is to stop your urinal flow midstream. Feel that? Those are the muscles I’m talking about.

      How to do kegels

      Once you identify the necessary now it is time to do the work.

      You ready?

      •Now tighten. Tighten those muscles like you are in the middle of a concert and there is no way out. Like you are in the queue at the bank and nearing the front and cannot leave now.

      •Hold for 5 seconds.

      •And release.

      •Now repeat.

      •Don’t slack.

      •Commit.

      •One more time.

      Nice one.

      (This exercise can also be done when you are peeing, just make sure you completely empty your bladder after the final kegel as when holding back pee some could be left behind and we don’t want bladder infections. Try to do this when you are not peeing because it could lead to bladders that are not empty. Use it mainly to find the muscles then do the exercises … everywhere).

      Like any exercise the stronger you get, the longer you can hold. As they say in the gym circles, ‘Never skip genital day, dude.’ (Or maybe not, because that might not be appropriate in a sweaty setting.)

      For