Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex. Tiffany Kagure Mugo

If you are willing to do the work, schedule regular conversations about it so that you can keep track of where you are at. Scheduling it also means you have time to think and prepare for a potentially difficult conversation. But know it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom, it can be a nice time spent together having a convo that is important for your sex life and building intimacy.

      Communication is key to getting to a place where you can engage sexually in a way that is happy and healthy and does not push back against your traumas. Communication allows for constant checking in. Remember it should be done in a neutral place, not when you are about to have the sex.

      Having sex after trauma is possible, never believe that it is not. If it is what you want then you can get there but it will take some time. It can also look like anything you want to, and you can shape your sex life as you please. There are so many ways to have sex (as you can see in this guide) so do not pressure yourself to have sex one way or another or force yourself to be having sex at all. It is about living and being comfortable in your body so take the steps and space you need to. It is about getting to a place of having a happy, healthy sex life.

      8

      HOW TO END THE SEX: BREAKING UP LIKE A BOSS

      Tapiwa Guzha and Tiffany Kagure Mugo

      Sometimes people’s thoughts cannot be separated and that is the case here. Call it a hivemind. This section was written alongside my fave Tapiwa.

      Things change. One minute things are on and poppin’, next thing you don’t even want to see the person’s WhatsApp status let alone their naked body. People and relationships grow, regress or even stagnate. Should you find yourself in the place where at least one of you is no longer interested in a sexual relationship, your messy and oftentimes petty side can show up and wreak havoc. Sometimes it is you who wants to get out and you do things you might not be proud of later on.

      In this difficult time we often develop single-minded approaches to dealing with conflict. We lose our ability to empathise with our partners and often fail to see any other perspectives. It is easier to survive the storm that is to come if we can blame it all on the other person. We see only their flaws and seek out affirmation from people in our lives who loyally agree with us even if you both know you are wrong, deep down. We focus on the faults of the other person, either to make ourselves feel better about leaving or to feel better about being abandoned.

      It is often harder if the other person decides that the sexy times must end. We feel abandoned and rejected and insist that the other person’s decision to end the sex is all about us and not remotely relevant to them and what they need and want.

      Humans are egocentric. But sometimes it is not you. It is them. And that is okay. Do not succumb to the idea that it is always about you (much as we feel it could be). Let’s try to not burden ourselves with that.

      Other times it really is you and a little self-reflection couldn’t hurt. Finally, much like the rest of life, things aren’t always cut and dried. Sometimes it’s also a matter of everyone involved contributing to the collapse of this particular human interaction. That’s also okay.

      While sex can be quite a significant aspect of any sort of relationship it is not a prerequisite for healthy and functional relationships, even those of an intimate nature. Think about asexuality, platonic intimacy and friendships. These are all healthy forms of relationships that aren’t dependent on sex and can still be immensely intimate. If your relationship with someone is completely hinged on the potential of getting sex or keeping sex on the table (see the friendzone section) then you may need to gather yourself and deal with some demons.

      That isn’t how healthy human interaction works.

      This also holds true for any other things besides sex. The most rewarding relationships are those you’re involved in voluntarily and where you give without expectations. Nobody is entitled to an eternal life of sex with a partner, as consent and willing participation can fluctuate across time. They may not want you anymore, as hard as that is to engage with. Sometimes simply taking the attitude ‘not my monkeys, not my circus’ will help you realise that you don’t have to deal with everyone’s emotions or ideas.

      So we are no longer snaxing? What now?

      If you’ve all decided that sex is no longer on the table, the first thing you should probably settle on is whether you want to continue being in each other’s lives. For some people it’s easy to compartmentalise things and they can maintain friendships once the sex and love is gone, but for some that isn’t a viable option. Decide on something that works best for everyone, together and stick to it. Make the decision based on your unique relationship and not on what the mainstream would like to cookie cut into your lives. Maybe it’s a matter of taking some time apart from each other for a while, maybe it’s goodbye forever or maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.

      You are still amazing even if someone ends it with you. What is important is that everyone’s needs are met moving forward, even if that means moving on.

      So in light of this we are going to give you some wisdom on how to slide out of sex in a solid manner.

      Don’t make it about yourself

      The mantra here is ‘decentre yourself’. If you still want to have sex with someone who no longer feels the same, don’t make it about you. Without consensual participation from all of you, your feelings around it only matter to you, and are about you, and you should try to keep it that way. It’s okay to experience sadness or other ‘negative’ emotions and grieve the loss of this particular connection to this other human. Loss of any kind is often painful but remember insisting on a sexual relationship where only one of you is keen is wrong.

      Honesty is often the best policy

      Now when we speak of honesty, we do not mean being unkind. There is a way to be kind and also honest. Think what could hurt someone and what could not. It’s important to communicate exactly why you no longer want to have sex with a person. Don’t be cruel with your disclosure but definitely be clear and honest about your feelings and reasons. The least you can do is share the truth as this will most likely help the other party process things in the long run. You don’t have to defend your reasons to anyone and it can be as simple as you don’t enjoy the sex any longer.

      Get off each other’s social media and create healthy boundaries

      Unfollow. Mute. Leave the socials for a little bit if you need a breather. Unfollow mutual users. Create some sort of social media barrier. In these digital times we are often linked to the people we have sex with via some kind of social media platform. People out here tweeting, grammin’, and Facebooking their whole lives, and then liking and double tapping each other. And once you stop tapping, that double tap can be a problem. Cyber space, we can all agree, is a terrible way of assessing people’s state of being and we often compare ourselves and our misery unfavourably to other people’s well-curated digital presence. We can also be guilty of actively trying to sell the illusion that we ourselves are doing fantasticly and are so much better without them. So if you feel you don’t want to be in each other’s respective lives, an unfollow on their internets is probably a good idea. Avoid posting content with the sole purpose of spiting the other person and don’t stalk people’s accounts to help you deal with the separation. That never ends well.

      Take a step back and arrange yourself

      Now you have some breathing space where you can get to some housekeeping. This phase of relationships is probably a good moment to take care of some sexual health things. Ideally you should maintain excellent sexual hygiene throughout your life but certainly that time between partners is a great time to examine your sexual behaviour and get your biology checked out as well.

      If you are in consensual, non-monogamous relationships it’s important to also keep track of how this new reality can spill into your remaining sexual partnerships. While some partners can be supportive and help you deal with the end of days don’t take it for granted that they want to. Talk to them about it and come up with strategies that will help