Sound Bites. Victor L. Cahn

as always.”

      “Then my gratitude knows no bounds.”

      “Good. Well, where should we start? Anything in particular on your mind?”

      “Well, I’ve been observing with sad amusement the Senate race in my own state.”

      “And your response?”

      “Profound gloom, as usual.”

      “You’ve known Vance Harrington for a long time, haven’t you?”

      “‘Nigh onto forty years,’ as out sod-busting forefathers used to say.”

      “You’re also distantly related, right?”

      “Our mothers are second cousins, and he and I attended some of the same schools, albeit a couple of years apart.”

      “Do you consider him a friend?”

      “Let’s say he’s more than a casual acquaintance, but less than a bosom buddy.”

      “And no doubt you’ve heard him criticized.”

      “I’ve heard him criticized, derogated, disparaged, excoriated, and otherwise pilloried by a few of the flacks who service the people that own this country.”

      “Now wait a minute. Does anyone really ‘own’ the United States?”

      “The banks do.”

      “Well—”

      “The churches do.”

      “Now wait—”

      “Certainly the defense contractors and the weapons builders do. Manna may come from heaven, but how comforting to have a military sugar daddy.”

      “Be that as it may— “

      “It is. “

      “Fine, but how you feel otherwise about Senator Harrington?”

      “I would say that Cousin Vance is an amiable hambone, bought and paid for by corporate interests. But if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be a Senator.”

      “Still—”

      “Still, he holds a few worthwhile values. And when compared to that misguided piece of stroodle who’s running against him, he comes off as downright Lincolnesque.”

      “You don’t think much of Ms. McClellan.”

      “Is that her name?”

      “You know it is—”

      “Now I remember.”

      “I knew you would.”

      “I would say that she is the embodiment of the hypocritical sophistry that passes for the conservative moral code. I might go further, but I doubt she would understand even that much.”

      “Could you give me an example of such hypocrisy?”

      “Of course. How about the first commandment of our unspoken national Decalogue: ‘Thou shalt hate sex’?”

      “Now wait a minute. Do you mean that—”

      “I mean that a vast portion of our populace recoils at anything sexual.”

      “I don’t know—”

      “If they imagine that someone somewhere, anywhere, might be lusting over a naked female breast, they rise up in outrage. ‘Cover it! Cover it!’”

      “What about—”

      “If they see two bodies entangled, whether male, female, or one of each, the thought of possible copulation leaves them breathless with a ‘horror, horror!’ that is beyond the imagination of even Joseph Conrad, were he alive to bear witness to our collective Mr. Kurtz.”

      “But surely we have more than our share—”

      “Of course, there’s the other side of the equation: if you slice off that breast, they have no problem.”

      “Now wait—”

      “Or if you impale those two bodies on a kitchen knife, then the forces of fundamentalism see nothing but virtue.”

      “Are you sure—”

      “I won’t even bother pointing out how we glorify violence with guns. Did you slaughter some helpless animal today? Did you dismember a duck? Massacre a moose? Then in conservative eyes, you’re a real American.”

      “Yet we do hear outrage—”

      “We never hear a peep about censoring violence. Only sex.”

      “Now you’re exaggerating—”

      “Not in the slightest. But I see surprise in your expression.”

      “Only because I’m—”

      “Why? Such fears are our legacy. The individuals who settled this country, those refugees from religious oppression, long fabled in story and song, merely imposed their own brand of fear and loathing right here—”

      “Strong words—”

      “– by committing genocide against Native Americans, all the while trying to establishing a theocracy.”

      “You’re speaking of the Puritans—”

      “Among others.”

      “For instance—”

      “I’ve always been amused how virtually all religions adhere to longstanding strictures about sexual and social intercourse that were dictated centuries ago by a bunch of withered, sexless males, ashamed of their own bodies and terrified of women’s.”

      “I have a feeling you’ve just managed to offend a solid portion of our listeners—”

      “No need for flattery.”

      “Were you just stating what you consider the obvious—”

      “Now, however, we’ve sanctified these misfits and gone so far as to pretend they were ordained by some deity to set down our ethical bylaws.”

      “Isn’t ‘misfits’ too harsh a word—”

      “Meanwhile, these same oppressors have never had any compunction about subjecting those whom they call ‘heretics’ and ‘infidels’ to the rack, the wheel, mutilation, hanging, burning, and the countless other diversions that amused our ancestors and continue to charm millions.”

      “It’s a world-wide phenomenon, isn’t it?”

      “Indeed it is. When we look at the history of the cruelty inflicted upon loyal followers of one religious doctrine by the fanatical adherents of another, only a single conclusion is possible: no animal on earth is more dangerous than the true believer.”

      “Would you say that Vance Harrington agrees with you?”

      “I would never be so bold as to speak for Cousin Vance.”

      “But what do you presume he thinks?”

      “I’m not sure he does think. But at least he adheres to a vaguely libertarian code that permits private citizens to seek happiness in their own way. After all, remember the celebrated, yet tarnished, emendation to the Golden Rule.”

      “And that is . . . ?”

      “Do not do unto others as they would do unto you. Their tastes may be different.”

      ¶ ¶ ¶

      “The campaign for the United States grows more intense today, as attacks by challenger Cassie McClellan grew more personal.”

      “Don’t you just love it when Senator Harrington tells us that he understands everyone’s financial problems? Don’t you laugh when he says he identifies with us?”

      “Hah-hah!”