The Meathead Manifesto. Brody McVittie

My husband’s lack of stamina in the bedroom

      And

       The green ooze seeping from my son’s rectum

      Amongst gems like

       The effects my menstruation cycle is having on my ability and desire to allow you to do your job.

      If you’re thinking “Hey, most of these traits and characteristics are remarkably similar,” then you’re absolutely correct. Professionalism is paramount—and present—on the majority of trainer/client transactions; illustrating the horrors potentially unearthed when lines become blurred, however, should help you make informed, concise and logical choices the next time you look into your trainer’s eyes and think about sharing.

       The Thing about Squats

      Squats. Suck.

      You know it, I know it, and—unfortunately—the dude with Will Harris wheels repping them out in the corner knows it.

      He’s doing them, and he doesn’t need to. You, on the other hand . . .

      Manning up to leg day isn’t easy for the biggest at the gym; for the rest of us, its murder. Unfortunately, bodybuilding is one of those ‘get what you put in’ clichés.

      And every training article you’ve ever read wasn’t lying when it told you that, hands down, nothing gives you a total body gut-check like spending time parallel to the floor.

      So suck it up, call your mother to tell her you love her, and get under that rack.

      There’s things to consider, sure, when you line up your shoulders under the bar—whether or not you’ve upped your life insurance premium, how long it’ll take for your girl to move on—really, though, the only secret to getting the dreaded squat right is actually doing it.

      It doesn’t matter if you’re racking a plate a side or ten; as long as you’re breathing right, tightening that Transverse abdominus, and dropping low, you’ll have the respect of everybody around you for giving it a go.

      And therein lies the magic—sooner or later, even if you’ve just got a naked bar draped across your delts—you’ll find that ‘sweet spot,’ the point in the descent when you can feel your entire body say “THIS. IS. WORKING.”

      Going heavy isn’t the trick; remember, a standard Olympic bar is forty-five pounds, and you’re pushing all your upper body weight into your wheels when you work your way down.

      Whether it’s six reps or twelve, going full-bore and getting your ass parallel to the floor is all it takes to turn little-girl stems into the kind of proportionate-to-my-upper-body quads, hamstrings and glutes you (probably) so desperately need.

      So the next time you see that rack free, pick up your cell phone, make the call, and give it a shot.

       (A Little Bit) About Etiquette

      Chances are, when you signed your membership contract, some gorgeous, in-shape membership-sign—up-person went over the do’s-and-don’ts of the gym.

      Chances are, you weren’t paying attention.

      The gorgeous, in-shape-ness of the membership-sign-up-person had something to do with it—

      --but mostly, you figured you already knew the do’s-and-don’ts of the gym.

      (And if you didn’t, you’d get the hang of it by the end of your first workout; common sense, right?)

      You’ve got common sense—it’s why you decided to get your ass in shape.

      You do need to get your ass in shape.

      You’d be amazed, however, at the number of common-sense looking gym members—and the number of them at your very gym—who have no common sense at all.

      So for those guys (--and surely, you’re not one of them, right--) here’s one pretty basic/incredibly important rule of thumb.

      Wipe the equipment down after using it.

      Yeah, you’ve just hit a personal best on your bench press. You’re straddling that half dead/feel like a million bucks line as you writhe your way out from under that barbell; either way, you feel both a little bit stronger, and a little bit lighter.

      (You are.)

      Because you’ve just left two gallons of sweat all over the bench—the bench you’re now walking away from.

      The bench the next guy who wants to hit a personal best on is looking at, disgusted.

      To avoid a barbell upside the head (and, subsequently, heading to the Pec Deck only to discover that it, too, is soaked) take a second and wipe the equipment down after finishing your sets.

      It sets an example to the other new guys (--the ones without any common sense--) and ensures the next piece of equipment you approach will be similarly sanitized.

      (Karma is a bitch.)

      It seems simple, sure—and, given the amount of bodies that hold said barbells, or lie across said benches, you would hope it is common practice—and it very well could be.

      Just do your part in keeping it that way.

       The Benefits of Circuit Training

      You’ve heard its benefits praised in the change room of your gym; you’ve peered through the glass in the Personal Training Studio, seen the tolls it has taken on the fittest of the membership.

      What the hell is Circuit training, and, more importantly, why the hell would you want to subject yourself to it?

       The What

      If nothing else, Circuit training is time-efficient. As a conditioning method, it is a resourceful way to combine aerobic fitness and strength training (--admittedly, with less intensity than either modality if performed alone.) A common Circuit may consist of 15 reps or 30 seconds of 10-12 weight exercises, for both the upper and lower body.

       The Who

      Adopted and perfected by military divisions and sports teams, Circuit training benefits anyone looking to improve body composition (show) or stamina (go.)

       The How

       Strength

      Now, the weights lifted during a circuit are usually 40-50% of a 1RM (one rep-max, remember?) or, literally, about half of what one would normally lift for each exercise. Alternating between upper and lower body exercises (so the arms rest while the legs work) while maintaining a steady heart rate is key.

      Traditional strength training uses higher intensity loads and larger rest periods—usually 60-90% 1RM with 1-4 min rest. Studies have shown that blood lactate levels increase dramatically with Circuit training, suggesting a high anaerobic content to training.

      Simply put, stamina—and the ability to tolerate elevated lactate levels (the dreaded burn) will improve.

       Cardio

      On average, one can expect heart rates of about 80% Max, but oxygen levels are only at 40% of maximum training capacity, which puts circuit at the minimum level for aerobic fitness improvement.

      Therefore, Circuit training is considered low-to-moderate aerobic training, with benefits substantially smaller than meat-and-potatoes cardio. However, by dropping rest times between circuits, stimulus on VO2 max is accelerated.

      For example, if you were to run at 75% of your maximum training heart rate for 20-30 minutes, 3x per week for 8-12 weeks, your average VO2 max would increase by 20%--in circuit, you would be engaging 80% of your Max THR.

       Will Circuit Training get me Ripped?

      Yes.