The Meathead Manifesto. Brody McVittie

knowledge of the mechanics of the Nike Deadlift Strap clasp.

      Who knows—you could wind up with the single most important piece of equipment in that weight room—an extra pair of arms, twenty inches or otherwise.

      . . .

      And that—that—is worth all the coleslaw in the cafeteria.

      What to Wear and (Infinitely More Important) What Not to Wear to the Gym.

      As you’ve gathered by now, each and every gym (--or health club, or fitness farm; or whatever-the-marketing-guy-decided-to-call-it-to-hit-the-target-demographic--) is it’s own delicate little ecosystem.

      As such, the slightest imbalance can throw the harmony of the entire structure out of whack; madness, destruction and cataclysmic change can—and will—occur.

      Take, for example, the sight of you—New Gym Guy—in a see-through mesh tank top.

      It might have seemed like a good idea, winking at you from some forgotten corner of your closet.

      Hell, you tell yourself, you’ve been making progress.

      And the girl who does kettlebell training two benches down hasn’t exactly noticed your ever-tighter fitting t-shirts, so, logically . . .

      Don’t.

      Ditto the denim cut-offs, rainbow-striped workout pants, army boots, and the any-everything you wore to the gym the day before.

      It doesn’t matter whether you’re rocking a body fat percentage in the single or nowhere-near digits; some things just do not belong on the male body.

      And yes, your tye-dye shirt is one of them.

      Be mindful of your surroundings; study the delicate eco-system you inhabit, and react accordingly.

      If you belong to one of those yuppie micro-fiber-everything because-sweat-isn’t-really-an-option cell-phone earpiece so-you-can-conference-call –during-cardio health ‘retreat centres,’then, yeah, dust off the earpiece and be a tool too.

      Conversely, if the boys over at Body Barn like to accessorize powerlifting chalk with their wife-beaters, it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same.

      Bear in mind that while, (by and large,) the majority of us at the gym are far too self-involved to notice anything you’re doing, the fastest way to change that (and, in doing so, throw the whole damn eco-system out of whack) is to march in tomorrow wearing your spandex bicycle shorts.

       How to Tell If Your Trainer Is a Douchebag

      Fact: Personal Training is expensive.

      Fact: The Fitness Industry attracts a great deal of mono-syllabic, knuckle-dragging Meatheads (--and by no means am I excluding the mono-syllabic, knuckle-dragging Meatheads of the female persuasion.)

      Fact: Some Personal Training Certifications can be completed and issued over the course of a weekend; some Certifications literally can be completed in one’s sleep. (As someone who has done both, I assure you this information is accurate.)

      In order to protect your investment, here are some sure-fire tips to assure your Personal Trainer is, in no way, a Douchebag.

      -Don’t Be Oversold By Scientific Jargon.

      Chances are, you’ll have an opportunity to meet your Personal Trainer—usually free of charge—in order to hammer out the details of the torture (--in a good way--) to follow.

      On the end of the trainer, it presents an opportunity to lay out what we sometimes refer to as your ‘Periodization’ program—a structured, professional breakdown of how and why you’ll be hitting the necessary benchmarks en route to your ultimate goal.

      This presentation should be researched, professional, and slightly over your head (--because, to be honest, if you knew how to replace the pistons in your engine head, you’d save money on labour costs there, too--) in that you’re paying an experienced, qualified service professional for a result.

      One you couldn’t neccesarily accomplish on your own.

      You know this—

      The trainer knows this—

      They don’t need to beat you over the head with it.

      See, any trainer worth their salt knows how to relate the association between Adenosine Tri-Phosphate and Lactic Acid Threshold (*told you) without appearing mysterious and aloof.

      (*By the way, it’s like this—the more you curl a dumbbell, the harder it gets, and the more it burns like hell . . . because you’re exhausting the ATP and the Lactic Acid is the by-product.)

      Having covered the goal from the trainer’s point of view . . .

      -Yours? (Or, Personality is Important)

       Is this trainer a douchebag?

      Seriously.

      As a trainer, I could have a Master’s Degree in Kinesiology, with a BA in Nutrition, and Certifications in everything from Senior’s Fitness to Exercise Nutrition.

      If talking to me is about as stimulating as conversing with the drywall in your bathroom?

      It’s never going to work.

      No matter my qualifications, if I can’t relate to you—if I can’t get through to you—hell, if you don’t like me—then me barking at you to lift something slightly too-heavy for you, ten times, is never going to happen.

      Bottom line—

      --you have to like your trainer.

      Personalities meshing probably accounts for 80% of the successful client/trainer relationship. As I mentioned, you’ll probably have the opportunity to sit down and game plan with your potential Personal Trainer.

      Fortunately, I’m sure some psychologist (far smarter than myself) has established that you’ll know ‘within Five Minutes of meeting someone, whether or not you like them.’ Meaning, ideally, you’ve got the rest of the hour/appointment to actually absorb the dumbed-down scientific process of the torture to come.

      Yeah, you’ll now really quickly whether or not you like your Personal Trainer, which leads me to my next point . . .

      -Don’t Judge Your Trainer by the Fit of His T-Shirt

      This is the fundamental opposite of my first point, Don’t Be Oversold by Scientific Jargon.

      Just because your trainer shops at Baby Gap for his workout gear, does not make him a good trainer.

      If your trainer’s arms are the size of your waist, and you’re looking to not have your arms be the size of your waist, always check his credentials.

      On the other hand, if your goal is weight loss, and you look a hell of a lot more lean than your trainer, maybe they’re not the ideal candidate to motivate you towards hitting those goals.

      If your trainer’s lats are so big that he can’t turn sideways—if your trainer is developing increasinglyaggressive pustules over the course of your initial meeting—hell, if you have any indication that he got to that statuesque physique any other way than naturally—

      --run.

      -Don’t Judge Your Trainer by the Fit of Her T-Shirt

      C’mon guys.

      If You Happen to be 125lbs—and Your Trainer is 265lbs—and he’s training You like You’re 265lbs—Your Trainer is a Douchebag.

      You’ll know quick—on your very first session together, if he walks you up to a loaded Squat Rack, and, with a straight face, asks you to go “Ass-To-Grass” (*--all the way down, past 90 degrees parallel to the ground, Scientific Term--) with 300lbs?

      Douchebag.