Intimacy & Diabetes. Janis Roszler

as the loss of my relationship with my wife. She used to have so much patience with me; I could always count on her. But when my work problems began and money got tight, she started to resent the fact that I had diabetes. Now when I try to hold her, she pulls away. I know that she is angry, but I don’t know how to fix things. We now sleep in separate rooms. I feel like I’ve been fired from my job and my marriage.” —John

      Loss of Job Leads to Relationship Problems

      Seeking Financial Help

      The cost of diabetes can be emotionally upsetting, especially if you don’t have adequate insurance, job security, or have numerous financial commitments. Many couples find that diabetes brings significant finan-cial pressures into their lives and into their bedrooms.

      If you feel overwhelmed by the cost of diabetes, speak with your health care team. They should be able to put you in contact with assistance groups in your area that can help you with a variety of resources. A list of pharmaceutical companies with prescription assistance programs is located in the Appendix. Don’t let your emotional response to diabetes interfere with your relationships. Take steps to reduce the negative feel-ings that diabetes has brought into your life.

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      Kevin and Tina recently went on a weekend getaway where they expected to relax, use the spa, walk on the beach, and enjoy a generous amount of romance. Their plans changed a bit when the evening rolled around and Kevin turned in early. When Tina peeked into the room, he was sound asleep. “I had hoped that this time away would kindle his interest in sex, but it hasn’t made a difference. I don’t know what to do.” Kevin has had type 2 diabetes for about 5 years.

      Exhaustion Can Ruin a Romantic Evening

      Libido Boosters

      Schedule intimacy into your life

      The connection that you have with your partner can be a great source of support, especially when life becomes hectic. Schedule regular inti-mate moments with your partner. A weekly evening of bedroom activity or a midday tryst can help boost your spirits and alleviate some of your stress for the remainder of the week. Plan a romantic getaway. Be inti-mate in a variety of locations. Sex doesn’t always have to happen in the bedroom! Don’t expect your love life to always be spontaneous. Plan ahead and keep it healthy.

      Try videos, aphrodisiacs, herbs, and oils

      Chapter 6 contains a list of foods and herbs that have libido-enhanc-ing compounds as well as other tools you can use to get more excited about bedroom fun.

      De-emphasize your looks

      Your loved one hopefully chose you for more than your outward ap-pearance alone. Remember that your connection is more than just a physical one. You may be worried about your breast or penis size. Per-haps you gained weight and feel unattractive. Openly talk about body issue concerns with your partner. You may assume that your loved one

      2. Diabetes and Your Feelings27

      feels a particular way that may not be correct. If your weight makes cer-tain sexual positions less comfortable, be creative and try different ones. There are numerous books that can provide you with a wealth of differ-ent sexual options, including the old classic, The Joy of Sex by Alex Com-fort. Be creative!

      Adopt a positive attitude

      Surprisingly, many people feel thankful that diabetes is now part of their lives. Before their diagnosis, they were sedentary, made poor food choices, were overweight, and felt sluggish and unmotivated. Once diabetes came on the scene, they took better care of themselves, improved their health, and felt better . . . even in the bedroom. You may not be able to find anything posi-tive about your diabetes right now, but taking a more a positive attitude can alter how you respond to problems that arise.

      According to expert Carol Dweck, PhD, each of us approaches chal-lenges with either a fixed mindset or growth mindset. Those with fixed mindsets see the problems in their lives as obstacles that prevent them from living their lives well. They struggle and don’t anticipate future problems, which makes new issues even more upsetting. Those with a growth mindset embrace challenges. They see them as tools that help them grow and become more resilient.

      Here are tips on how to adopt a more positive attitude:

      Don’t take problems personally. Everyone has challenges they must handle.

      Don’t berate yourself when things don’t go perfectly. Perfection isn’t possible.

      When a problem arises, ask the following:

      What can I learn from this?

      How can I approach this better?

      How can I help my loved one handle this better?

      Recognize when you succeed and congratulate yourself. If desired, make a list of new skills you develop, review it occasionally, and feel proud.

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      “I used to be the fat guy that you would stare at in the grocery store. My cart would be filled with high-fat desserts, sausages, regular soda, chips, and more. When diabetes hit, I immedi-ately felt that I had done it to myself. In the back of my mind, I knew that it would happen and then one day it did. Wham! When I got that diabetes lab blood test report back from the doctor, I felt my stomach sink. All I could think was, ‘why didn’t I say no to the choices I made?’ When my wife learned about my diabetes, she immediately blamed herself. For years, she supported all of the bad behaviors I had developed. We both ordered in pizza and drank beer on Saturday nights. We both sat in front of the television for hours snacking on junk food and sugary sodas. And we both never made a move to move! We didn’t do any physical activity of any type. Suddenly, the diabetes that I had caused was going to ruin both of our lives and our dream of us growing old together.

       Fortunately, my doctor insisted that we attend the diabetes classes at the local hospital. I learned how to make better food choices, checked my blood glucose regularly, began walking each day, and started to lose some weight. Lucy joined me for the walks, which made them far more enjoyable. I began to feel younger than I had felt in a very long time. I was becoming healthier and more energetic. If I hadn’t been diagnosed with diabetes, I never would have made any of these changes. Now I’m in far better shape than many of my friends. It sounds strange to thank diabetes for anything, but I really do. And so does my wife. With my previous lifestyle, she always believed that she would end up as a young widow. Now that I’ve changed so dramatically, we both look forward to a bright future together.” —Chuck

      Turning Your Life Around

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      What type of mindset do you and your partner have? Fixed or growth? Are you both on the same page?

      What can you do to improve your mindset?

      What’s one way diabetes has positively affected your life?

      For You and Your Partner

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      Diabetes affects your body in a variety of ways. In Chapter 2, we introduced you to the A-B-Cs of Emotional Health, which focus on Attitude, Behavior, and Communication. Now we would like to present the Diabetes A-B-Cs, which focus on your body. First, take the intimacy quiz to see if any physical concerns have entered your intimate life.

      In this chapter

      Take a quiz to see if diabetes-related sexual complications have entered your life.

      Explore how diabetes can affect your sexual health and what you can do about it.

      Learn about the Diabetes A-B-Cs.

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