Madly in Love with ME. Christine Arylo

knowledge, and the permission to do so is an indisputable birthright, both of which could be, and should be, passed down from generation to generation, available from the moment we are born and at every moment following that. Imagine how your life might have been different if self-love had been spoken of openly as you grew up. What I am speaking about is not just the “you can do anything” rah-rah talk but also the message of unconditional love that no matter what you accomplished, you were enough and you were loved. Imagine if the women you looked to as role models had been stellar examples of self-care, self-compassion, self-awareness, self-expression, and self-respect because their mothers had passed to them the knowledge of self-love. What if together you became a strong tribe of women bonded through love, each committed first and foremost to being her own best friend, knowing that this promise to herself was what allowed her to be a loving mother, auntie, grandmother, godmother, and big sister who could teach others how to love themselves. An approach like this sure would have saved us all a lot of hefty therapy bills and unnecessary pain and suffering!

      Self-love never crossed my mind until the day my life hit rock bottom, when my fiancé decided he didn’t want to marry me (on the way to our engagement party) — ouch. It was only after two weeks of begging this man to take me back, and crying so much that I had to stop wearing eye makeup altogether, that I was finally able to gather my self-honor and self-respect and, as a self-empowered woman committed to herself first, leave behind my home and life as I knew it.

      Raw, defenses down, and the blueprint for my perfect life ripped to shreds, I found myself face-to-face with a really hard question: “How did a smart woman like me end up in a place like this?” While I didn’t expect a verbal response, within seconds a voice within me blared like a radio: “Well, Christine, you don’t love yourself! You like yourself a lot, and you’ve got a ton of self-esteem. Yes, you believe that you can do anything you set your mind to, but you don’t love yourself, and frankly you don’t even know what that means.” Damn! My mouth gaped open. While I didn’t like what this voice had to say, she was right. Oh, and wait, now that she had the microphone, there was more: “And while you look like you have this great life — the friends, the traveling, the money, the stuff — and you have achieved lots of success in your career, the truth is, you are settling for less than you deserve. You know it and I know it.” Damn, right again.

      I was a woman who, if she had stopped being busy long enough to be honest with herself, would have realized that even though she “had it all,” the life she was living was never going to lead to her happiness. A woman who, if she had been taught to feel her feelings rather than stuff them down, would have seen that her relationships were never going to give her the loving, respectful, and soulful connections she craved. A woman who knew how to work hard and had tons of self-confidence but who had never considered self-compassion, self-care, or self-acceptance as essential to cultivate as things like success and financial security. I was a woman who had never considered self-love. I found myself realizing how badly I needed to find it, but I had no idea where to start.

      My first step was to ask all of my friends, really smart, successful women, “How do you love yourself? What is self-love and how do I get some?” They surely would have the answers, right? Wrong. They were just as dumbfounded and ignorant as I. They too had never considered such questions. None of our studies, advanced degrees, or cultural indoctrination from reality TV shows, romantic movies, and tabloid magazines had provided any clues.

      So I asked some of my older female relatives, “Can you tell me how to fall in love with myself?” I assumed that because these women were older, they must know the answer. Their replies were worse, although they sure did explain a lot about how I ended up in my current circumstances. They said things like “Why would you want to know such a thing? Stop asking so many silly questions. Just be happy with your life as it is.”

      It was then that I realized I, and most every woman I knew, had descended from a long line of “stuffers” and “self-sacrificers” — women who had been taught to stuff their feelings and instincts down (or mistrust them altogether), to put their needs at the bottom of the list (if these made it onto the list at all), and to forge ahead no matter what (preferably with a stiff upper lip and unwavering sense of confidence). Our female predecessors had no Oprah, after-school self-esteem programs, or selfempowerment weekend workshops. All they had was the “Self-Sacrifice Handbook, Extreme Edition,” whose main teaching said something like this:

      Give, and then give some more, and then give some more. And even if there ‘s nothing left for you, or even when you have nothing left to give, give more. Suck it up and never complain (at least in public), because it’s your duty to give, not receive.

      This heavy-burden-promoting handbook never talked about needing to fill yourself up before you give to everyone else. It had no passages about loving and nurturing yourself or ensuring that you always act as your own best friend. No examples of how to give to others without giving away yourself in the process, or how to serve the things and people you love without sacrificing your dreams and needs. Unfortunately, this old handbook taught women to equate our self-worth with how much we give and get done in a day — without regard for our own self-care, selfcompassion, self-respect, or self-pleasure (a.k.a. self-love). If we weren’t giving everything we had away, keeping ourselves busy, or silently suffering or toiling in some way — oh, the guilt and the feelings of inferiority. Ugh!

      Thankfully, a wave of feminism rejected the suppressive model of what and how a woman was supposed to be. And, while still influenced by this old message of sadistic self-sacrifice that our overly patriarchal society clung to, we now had access to a new, self-empowering tome, “The Self-Esteem Handbook.” With it came new opportunities, more equality, and a permission slip to express ourselves and pursue our desires. Yes!

      Be smart, be confident, and be the best you can be. You can do, be, and have anything.

      Finally we women were empowered by the message of self-esteem. We were liberated to pursue the lives we wanted for ourselves, fully empowered by a new belief: “Be smart, be confident, and be the best you can be. You can do, be, and have anything.”

      Today girls grow up knowing that they can choose to go to college, get married or not, travel the world, and become anything they can dream of being, without having to rely on a man to get there. We are more empowered and financially independent. And we are free to express ourselves as confident, powerful women. The message that we can do, be, and have anything has taken us far. Thank you to all who fought to make this possible.

      And yet there is still more road for us to travel; something is still missing. If you look at the tired faces of women and the stressed-out and overscheduled lives of girls (and ourselves), you can’t deny that we have learned to equate strength and success with getting a lot done, staying busy, and having financial success at any cost, even the cost of our own happiness. This fact is backed up by a study conducted by the Rockefeller Foundation and quoted in a Time magazine article that compared the level of happiness experienced by women in the 1970s to that of women today. The results are revealing. Yes, women have more opportunity and equality, but we aren’t happier. Our happiness levels have stayed the same. Translation: More work and less happiness. Raw deal!

      As a result of this intense focus on our ability to do, be, and have anything, we have become a generation of women and girls who feel pressured to do, be, and have everything.

      Today, from the moment you, as a little girl, learn to read, watch TV, and mimic the women around you, you start feeling the pressure to be, do, and have it all. You grow up striving to attain and maintain the perfect body, the best grades, the successful career, the big bank account, the happy relationship, the ageless face, the perfect family, and on and on — everything that you see outside of you as the “ideal.” You’re conditioned to believe you must have it all at the same time, and must do and be everything perfectly. So when you begin to realize you don’t or can’t, instead of asking, “Why the heck am I working so hard to achieve this unrealistic expectation?” you are more likely to ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

      While there may exist somewhere a superwoman who has the ability to meet all these expectations