Madly in Love with ME. Christine Arylo

been super-unhappy or stressed-out? You can bet some branches on your tree were close to dying. Stuck in patterns of self-sabotage, neglect, or abuse that you can’t shake? Likely one of your branches got too much attention while you ignored the other essential parts of your relationship with yourself. That one branch became overgrown and stole light and nourishment from the ignored branches, which began to wither away or, worse, rot! Leaving you unbalanced, unhealthy, and unhappy. See if any of the following examples and symptoms of an unbalanced, unhealthy, unhappy self-love tree are familiar to you:

      ♥ You focus on growing self-confidence, but you fail to tend to your selfcompassion or self-care. You become a high achiever who works really hard and usually falls over in a heap of exhaustion. Why? Because you silently beat yourself up emotionally and mentally by seeing only what you failed at, didn’t achieve, or could have done better. Without self-care you never give yourself a break, and without selfcompassion you don’t give yourself the chance to learn. Your unrealistic expectations keep you busy, striving, driving, and pursuing happiness but never feeling happy for too long.

      ♥ You have tons of self-esteem but lack self-respect. You show up as smart in your career, but you sabotage yourself in your relationships. You may not put up with mediocrity or disrespect at work, but you choose mediocre relationships or, worse, relationships with people who don’t respect you and who do treat you poorly. Sure, you are successful, but you are also self-destructive.

      ♥ You have self-awareness but lack a strong branch of self-trust. You gain knowledge about what you want out of life, and you know who you are, but you find it difficult to act on your gifts or pursue your real dreams. Without self-trust, your self-doubt keeps you paralyzed. You need strong self-trust to lean on when you start expressing your talents, taking risks, and generally moving out of your comfort zone.

      ♥ You go wild on growing self-pleasure without self-honesty and self-honor. You may have a ton of fun, but you either end up broke or alone or in situations that don’t honor you, because you aren’t being honest about the emotional holes you are trying to stuff all the pleasure into.

      Whether you knew it or not before setting eyes on this self-love tree, for your entire life you have been in charge of making sure this tree is well cared for and fed. The question today is not “How good a job have I done?” That question would just lead you down a road of non-self-loving judgment. The only question you need to ask and answer right now is “Am I willing to love myself enough to care for this beautiful, precious, sacred tree of life that flows with unconditional love for me?”

      Fed by the heavens above and by the earth below, the tree, and its health — which you can feel at the core of your heart and soul when you stop to listen — directly reflect the condition of your life and your state of happiness, peace, joy, and love at any given time. The Self-Esteem and Self-Sacrifice Handbooks left out mention of this tree, this very important “glyph of love,” which means that without the Self-Love Handbook, you couldn’t have understood how intricate and connected your internal system of love is. But now that you have this Self-Love Handbook in your hands, you will begin to see how everything is connected to everything else. And when one part of your self-love suffers, the entire system is affected, just like in a living tree.

      You’ll notice that in addition to having ten branches, this vibrant, healthy, and happy tree of love also has strong roots that keep it grounded during a storm, and fed and watered so it can grow straight and tall for many years. This root system is your self-worth. You need strong roots planted deeply and firmly in healthy soil — full of unwavering, unconditional love — that nurtures you with love always, independently of happenings or relationships outside of your relationship to yourself and your connection to the divine. When your tree is rooted in this love-filled soil, no matter what and how you appear according to external standards, your sense of self-worth remains intact, able to support all the branches of your self-love tree.

      Unfortunately, over the years, you’ve assimilated to life in a society that promotes dependence on external systems — on other people, the popular culture, and educational and social institutions — that decide what is or isn’t valued. As you assimilated, the roots of your self-love tree grew into a soil full of toxic, non-self-loving beliefs like “You are not enough unless you do, become, and have it all,” “You are not worthy of love unless you give first or sacrifice yourself,” and “You are lovable only if someone else loves you.”

      This has made your self-love tree unstable, even shaky. Dependent on whatever the society’s unattainable “all” happens to be and your ability to meet its value standards, or how much external validation, adoration, or love you receive, your sense of self-worth becomes a series of skyrocket highs and superlow plummets, with the occasional stop in the middle, sane place. And as you know all too well — as a woman who may feel confident and secure one day, and like an absolute failure the next — living this way is no good. It’s like tying your happiness, worthiness, and security — really your entire sense of self — to a stock market of conditional, external love that lies in someone else’s control, changes at a whim, and makes you crazy.

      The good news is, this is not your natural state. You were born believing in your inherent self-worth. Your value was not originally determined by conditional, external variables or standards. And, over the course of this self-love journey, you will remember again how to value yourself, regardless of what you have done, achieved, or amassed. Regardless of what other people say, do, or feel about you. Your sense of self-worth, and therefore every branch on your self-love tree, will become stronger and healthier, and you will begin to feel more loved, happier, freer, and more peaceful on a more consistent basis. While the occasional storm of comparison, self-judgment, or self-neglect may sweep in and cause your love and care for yourself to waver, the storm won’t last long. With the roots of your self-love tree planted in the soil of unconditional love and unwavering connection to the divine, your tree won’t topple over, and you won’t ever completely lose your center, because your self-worth will be strong.

      Now let me be clear: This doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect or that you will never have moments of doubt. Fear, doubt, shame, obligation, neglect — all these polluters of self-love will undoubtedly try to creep into your soil and attempt to rot away your self-worth roots and cause your self-love branches to wither. But as your soil receives more unconditional love and respect and your self-worth strengthens, and as you nurture all the branches on your self-love tree, you will again find your way back to self-love in spite of doubt, fear, or external circumstances.

      It is challenging to grow strong roots of self-worth in a world that constantly bombards you with the messages “You are not enough” and “It’s better to give than receive,” and which is obsessed with codependent romantic love, finding a mate, and being “chosen.” I won’t lie to you. But it is possible to grow strong roots over time. With all the bad programming by our externally driven, comparison-ridden culture, and by those two handbooks that emphasize lack, it may take years of personal discovery and spiritual recovery work to get back to your original starting place, where you not only remember but also truly believe