Hell and paradise. Марина Кужман

but I didn’t win. I lost a few thousands, but my Italian friend never worried about money. And I saw that the more I took money from him. Better for our relationship, and it really gave him motivation to work. He liked to enjoy life. We had a good dinner with champagne. He liked everything the best and expensive. He liked to spend money. As much as possible, he tried to make me feel the most comfortable every minute with him, and I was very dear for him. He said that I was the best woman whom he saw in his life, but he saw a lot because he made movies in Italy and he knew the world’s best actresses. He said that I was the most sensitive and giving. I know it is true, and I was pleased, that he was able to understand my higher quality, and it made me happy in some way. Of course, I didn’t have any passion for him, but if he married me, how he plans probably I will be someway happy that he really loves me and understands my higher value. We went back to New York in his car. One hand, he held rule; other, my hand. It really was a moment when I didn’t think about Steve much but was in the present with Vinito.

      Maybe because I was a little drunk, he left me a few thousands cash for my expense. I very fast started to spend a lot of time with him. He took me good shopping in the best store and the best different food and wine. But it was not fine for me sitting at home and eating. I preferred restaurant. I want to be around people. I dressed good. I felt confident. Everybody was nice to me. It someway eased my loneliness. I wrote a lot of poems in that time; it was everything for Steve, about him and inspired by him. Urin, a Russian old poet who likes my poetic talent, was very glad that I continued writing, and he liked my progress. He gave me advice to read more modern poets, but others were not interesting for me. Steve was everything to me, and I all was in him. I did not recognize what was going on around. But I very often came to Nobel store on Sixth Avenue and Twenty- Second Street. I stayed there in the cafe on the balcony and read a lot of different books and magazines in English with a dictionary. When I find something smart, interesting, beautiful, and wise, it was the spirit of Steve.

      On January 28, 1996, I came back from Florida, where I was for few days with Vinito. I was so missing Steve and wrote the poem:

      So much pain, so much pain!

      My king has gone away,

      The throne became empty

      And the grief climbed it,

      Between two kingdom, Alone- I drink my freedom.

      It was about Steve and inspired by him. I wrote it in the morning, when we just came back from our trip to Florida, in Miami. Two days with Vinito in the same room, even in different beds, was too much for me. And I desperately miss Steven. Only he can make me cleaner and whole again, like a skillful tuner fixes a piano. He was the king of my heart and makes it go the right way. And at the same time, I heard from the news that Brodsky, a famous Russian poet who lived for a long time in the USA in New York, has died. I was not interested in him and his poetry at that time. He was famous and got a Nobel Prize, but he was not popular. Such a strange coincidence, the same day and time, just in Moscow, died Semen Lungin, the Russian producer of the movie “Welcome or Outsiders No Entry”.

      All strange coincidences I found later when I experienced a long shock that happened to me. I thought they did radiology on them the same time and they both were famous jew.

      To keep my independence from Vinito, I still continued working twice a week to do housekeeping for two American women, Miss Milton, who was a retired teacher, and her friend John Feelay, who was retired also before she had her own small company to retype manuscript. I came to them one or two times a week, but they were nice with me and paid $10 an hour and sometimes more. I continued to read a lot and write poems. Steven is continuing the process of divorce, and I saw him just occasionally. The more I discovered him, the more I understood how an extraordinary beautiful person he is. I tried not to lose time, but became more stable and independent and got my place in society. Very often, I went to Nobel store on Sixth Avenue and TwentySecond Street. There are a lot of books and magazines, after having empty bookstores in Soviet Union, the possibility to take any book that you love made me very happy. I felt like I found buried treasure. I like sitting in the cafe on the second-floor balcony drinking coffee and reading. Sometimes I met with somebody, but compared to Steve, he was not so interesting and attractive. But one time, I met with an interesting man. He was very alive. I remember he was without teeth, but it did not deface him. He said that he was an artist, and soon he will open his own gallery. He had very limited money, but full of optimism and confidence in his soon-to-be success. He said that he was a genius and he didn’t have to work, and he really lifted me up, like always meeting with notordinary people. He took me to a very cheap cafe, but everything was so good in taste, cleaner, and pleasant like in a nice home. We decided to continue our meeting.

      But the next day, again strange coincidence in that time I was attacked on the street. Of course, I was not careful. It was after party with my friend Lena. She left me, and I walked alone. They almost killed me. The black man almost strangled me and put a wire around my neck. I even felt posthumous bliss. I felt like really my soul was in the sky, on many, many stars, and then I felt like light reflected from them and returned to my body.

      When I woke up, blood was running from my eyes. The next day, my entire face was blue and pink and swollen. I felt very scared to stay alone in my apartment. A long time ago, I applied in a marriage agency to meet people, and, suddenly, one Russian man called me. After that terrible night, what happened to me, I was glad to listen to a human friendly voice in my own language. I shortly said what happened to me, and very soon, he was in my apartment. He looked at my face and said, “It is what America make with people.” He invited me to his apartment to stay with him for while. I didn’t think too long; I went with him. I was afraid to be alone, and with damage on my face, I cannot go to any public place.

      Soon, I was back at Ivan’s apartment, and we stayed with one Polish girl in the same room. I felt scared even to be alone in the room. When I told my story, Ivan said, “If you went through that and stayed alive, nothing will happen with you.” In the morning, I fortunately met with Steve on the street. He was so happy to see me, but how I was happy and his eyes was so big and blue the same color like sky in that day. We stayed for a minute in silence, looked at

      each other’s eyes, and then he said,

      “Life is going on.”

      And I wrote this poem after this meeting:

      The life is going on

      The life is going on waiting for visas. I go on the cornice

      And soon maybe up, maybe down, But I love my town.

      And then:

      YOU ARE THE SKY

      You are the sky

      And I’m just ocean waters, How can I caress you?

      And all my longing to unite with you?

      The only help is a dim horizon line,

      Which suddenly will cross you and me

      You’ll ask me: “Yes.”

      I’ll answer: “Da.”

      Forever or always,

      My soul has found yours for all eternity.

      I am reminded how he sang for me in his words: “I will love you forever” – always tough on my heart.

      I decided to move to Manhattan, and, soon, I found a small studio on West Forty-Fifth Street between Eighth and Ninth Avenues. I wanted to be closer to Steve.

      It was already summer 1996. My new place was the center of Manhattan near Times Square. Vinito was in Italy, but he sent me some money. Often, my thoughts were about how to get my independence and lead my daughter to the USA. In the newspaper, I found a course for real state for Atlantic City. After I finish that, I get a certificate and start to sell new resort Time Share Flagship, and the boss told