Hell and paradise. Марина Кужман

my wife, whom I married and didn’t have one cent in her pocket, now she wants to take the house and leave me here.” He looked around his small apartment. I listened to him. I didn’t know what to say. “You know, let me give you $10,000, and maybe you can go back to Russia. You know, maybe tomorrow, I will be on the streets homeless and unemployed asking help. Everything is going this way.”

      “Oh, no, no, I don’t want to leave you. I love you. I cannot live without you,” – I said.

      He stood up, came to me, took my head in his hand, looked in my eyes with attention as trying to read my thoughts, and kissed me.

      I don’t know how it happened that I went near OTV and what pushed me. But I came in and bought a ticket for the lowest price, like $2 something, I just want to check my luck, my intuition, and I won. I got $10, and I bought a new ticket with this money, and again I won. I got $50 and bought again. Now I got $250, and bought again, and I have more than a thousand. And all week, while Steve was in Long Island, I went and played and always won. It was the bar close, and I went and sat in the bar between. I was thinking, why work if I can win every day?

      I stopped doing massage because, one time, the man was a musician and he knew Steve.

      Steve came. He wanted me to go with him to visit his mother. She lived in the other state. We must travel by car. But I was so successful in my game with horses, and he didn’t divorce his wife yet. This indefinite condition makes me very unstable. I think he should go to his mother alone. He loves me; I love him. Nothing will happen if we do not see each other for one week, and I will start deciding on my problem.

      Plus, I found an easy way to make money. I like not just the gambling but also watching horses running and the atmosphere of competition and excitement. Between races, sometimes I sit in a neighborhood bar, where I met a nice man. He was American, but his background was from Scotland. I read before that Scotsmen are nobility itself. He was so good looking his face and manners make me so happy, and I don’t know, maybe because I was really happy at that time, in love with Steve like engaged, and I was sure about my present and happy future, or it was the quality of my new acquaintance. I felt so free with him like never in my life before and after. I never not miss him or remind him thinking or looking for new meeting, but I so like him when I saw him once and again, and I saw that he likes me very much too. We sat near, and, suddenly, we started covering our faces with kisses and always did it when we see each other. But we did not have any plans for each other.

      I was waiting for Steve. I thought about him every day. I miss him, and soon he will be back. But maybe the happy time with Scotsman unfocused me, and, recently, I met my longtime acquaintance Andy. I used to rent a room in his mother’s house, and we continued to see each other. He was planning to move to Hollywood and become an actor, and he a lot working over yourself, and he was very scrupulous about ethical standards, and because American life was new for me like for newborn, he was for me some authority on how to build behavior in a new reality. I told Andy about my new enthusiasm playing on horses. “It is not good to be a gambler. It is a shame,” Andy said. His words confused me.

      That day, Steve must be back. I decided to play for the last time and because in my head was that what I do not right I cannot concentrate well, and like result, I cannot win. Steve was back, but I was in OTV. I found a better place where the bar, restaurant, and gambling place were all together. He left a message that he is in New York already. I went to him. We met in a hall of his building. He was dressed in short pants and T-shirt. He looked so simple, too simple like a country man, but I was dressed up. First, we were happy to see each other, but some hell was between us already, and we quarreled. But it was not enough for me. I went to the bar that Steve goes to often because it the closest to his home. And I stayed with this Scotsman. When Steve came, he saw me. I was in a black lacy dress, very expensive and elegant. My friend Lena, who sold clothes, said that it was $300. And I was so happy with good-looking Scotsman, who was so attentive, and we, like before, kissed each other. Steve was trying to cover it, but he was shocked. He sat on the bar and ordered his drink, I felt how he watched me. And I thought it will be scandal now, but I was not against it. I was in desperation that I was losing him, and it is like rock and I cannot do anything with this. Like hell came inside me and rolled all my behavior and I cannot stop. Suddenly, Steve went to the machine where the music was playing and put on the song “Life Is Very Short,” and he left the bar.

      I woke up in the morning. It was sad recognize, that I lost Steve and I tied to live in the room of Ivan’s dirty apartment. I started looking for a new one, my own. I want something in Manhattan close to Steve, but I cannot find anything. It was summer, and I didn’t have a legal document. After a long search, in the end, I found a small studio in Williamsburg. It was one stop by train to Manhattan, just cross the bridge. It was on the second floor. The super suggested to make gates, but I didn’t want. Already I rented the new apartment, and I packed my things. I ordered the car for the evening, when there is less traffic, to go to the new place. The next day, I went and bought a bed and closet and organized my new place. But all my thoughts were about Steve: how to get back to him. I found in the newspaper that one woman knows how to help return people whom you love and lost. I went to where she lived in midtown Manhattan. She said that he will go back to me and gave advice to read one book, which was in short chapters, about love. There was advice to never look for love; it must come to you. I decided to learn this book. I translated all chapters to Russian.

      I decided to take a new job, like a travel agent, but it was a big company of network marketing. There I met with new people. Everybody has American legal documents and regular job, but they want more extra money. I was thinking how to fix my problem to get documents.

      Soon I met with Steve again. I still love him, and he loves me too, but his divorce became long term, and I for almost three years didn’t see my daughter, and I think I have to do something to get my green card. In my new company, I met with one Russian man. He was younger than me, but he has a good-paying job in the airport and American passport. He likes me very much and was ready to marry me. But I so want to be the wife of Steve; I don’t want to marry anybody but him.

      One day, one of my new acquaintances was a Russian Jewish couple, and Sara told me that she wants to introduce me to one man. He was looking for a helper in the office, and he can give me a green card because he is in immigration.

      His name was Vinito Laigoritto. We met in the house of his Italian friend, who was married with a Russian woman.

      He liked me, and I started to work in his office, but after the job, he drove his car to my apartment, and we had dinner in an expensive Italian restaurant. One evening, he told me, “If you will be with me, your daughter will be in America in one month.” I didn’t think too much. I believed him, and we went to the hotel.

      He liked me very much, and there were a lot of promises to marry, to buy a building for me, to make me Meer of New York and a lot of compliments how special I am, the most sensitive in the world, and beautiful and smart.

      I was listening to this Italian’s noodles, but inside myself, I was thinking that my daughter will soon be here and I will get my legal documents without marriage, and at the same time, Steve will be getting a divorce and I will marry him.

      His wife became jealous, and we started meeting for dinner or lunch. Weekends I saw with him all Broadway shows. He carried out all my wishes. He was sixty-three, and he looked not older, but not young, and he was blond with blue eyes and looks like Jean Gabin. I was just forty, but I looked twenty-nine, and I felt very shameful to stay with a man so old in beautiful public places, and very often, I took with us one familiar woman the same age like he was, and it looked like I was having dinner with my parents. But then I understood that nobody cares how old your partner is, and especially if he likes to go to the most expensive restaurants, stores, and places, and he likes to spend money and all around respect this.

      1996

      “Swear