Overheard. Mark Love

       Stranger in Town

       A man ambles in to a post office clutching a bundle of papers. He joins the end of the long queue and catches the attention of the women in front of him.

      MAN: Excuse me, do you know where the council offices are? It says in this letter that I’ve got to go to Pilgrim’s Place.

      OLD WOMAN: Pilgrim’s Place? Pilgrim’s Place! Oh yes, you go out of here to Market Square. Do you know where that is?

      MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.

      OLD WOMAN: Right. Do you know the Harper Centre?

      MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.

      OLD WOMAN: Do you know where Boots is?

      MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.

      OLD WOMAN: Hmmm.

      SECOND WOMAN: There’s no point us trying. He doesn’t know Bedford!

       ‘Spolicy

       A man is in an independent retailers stocking up with medicines. He puts his purchases down in front of the checkout assistant.

      CHECKOUT: Oh, excuse me a minute, sir, I’ll just need to call the supervisor.

       The supervisor, who happens to be in earshot, strolls over and takes a look at the four packs of paracetamol and one pack of aspirin.

      SUPERVISOR: That’s okay, Mandy. Sir, I’m afraid we’ll have to process these as single purchases.

      MAN: I have to pay for them separately?

      SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. ’Spolicy.

      MAN: I don’t understand. You mean you want me to do five separate transactions with my debit card?

      SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, ’spolicy.

       The people in the queue behind the man begins to mutter darkly.

      MAN: But they’re what? Forty pence each?

      SUPERVISOR: Nothing I can do, sir. ’Scompany policy.

      MAN: O-kay.

       The supervisor moves on. The queue mutters ever more darkly behind the man as he falteringly proceeds with his purchases.

      MAN: So is this about preventing suicides or something?

      CHECKOUT: Dunno. Just can’t do it.

       With all purchases made, the man offers a regretful smile to the grumpy elderly gentleman behind him in the queue.

      ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: If the buggers want to die, bloody let ’em! That’s what I say!

       Muttered agreement along the length of the queue.

       The Man Who Has Everything

       Two girlfriends are at lunch.

      1: I thought you were stuck on that accountant bloke.

      2: No. Turns out he had a real fetish for Oriental women.

      1: What about the pilot?

      2: Jim? Rich Jim, the American? Oh, he wasn’t a pilot, he just owned a few planes, a Ferrari, a vintage Morgan, a beach house in LA, a condo in Miami…

      1: Hmm, the man who has everything, eh?

      2: Exactly. Including a god-awful scar where his willy used to be. Bicycle accident when he was young.

      1: Bicycle accident?

      2: Yes. I mean you could forgive him a glorious motorbike accident, couldn’t you? But not amputation by pushbike.

       Snappy Shopper

       Two middle-aged ladies are riding the lift in a bargain clothing store.

      WOMAN 1: (tsk) Look at me! Thirty-two pounds just on underwear.

      WOMAN 2: Oh give over! There’s shops you can spend thirty-two pounds on a single bra!

      WOMAN 1: (tutting) A single bra…I mean, it won’t last and who’s going to see it?

       Woman 1 exits the lift, her friend following just behind.

      WOMAN 2: You speak for yourself!

       The Washing-line of Hope

       An elderly mother and her thirty-something daughter are seating themselves at a street-side cafe.

      MOTHER: Oh my word, you know I just can’t cope with these shopping marathons any more. All these people!

      DAUGHTER: Mmmm. I hate it when the sales are on. Everybody’s just so rude. And the sale stuff is just rubbish! I didn’t see a bloody thing I wanted all day.

      MOTHER: Oh well, at least the one good thing that came out of today was that I managed to get that new washing line at last.

      DAUGHTER: Well, that and Dad getting the all-clear from cancer.

      MOTHER: Oh yes. There was that, wasn’t there.

       Scusting

       Two teenagers are walking across the town centre dressed for a night out, hunched up against the cold and chatting loudly.

      GIRL 1: I mean, I’ve seen Phil in the shower, I’ve seen Mick naked and I’ve seen Alan’s bare arse. I’m telling you, I’ve seen it all!

      GIRL 2: Ooh…

       She shudders.

      GIRL 1: And I’ll tell you this an’ all. It’s scusting!

       Memorable Elephants

       An older couple recount a life-changing holiday.

      MADELEINE: Oh my goodness…Delhi, Calcutta, the Taj Mahal—quite unforgettable.

      JIM: And the elephants.

      MADELEINE: Hmm?

      JIM: The elephants.

      MADELEINE: Oh, the elephants! Oh my goodness, yes, the elephants! I shall never, ever forget that experience. Oh yes, it makes me excited just to think about it. There we both were, on our elephants, just sort of gliding across the jungle.

      JIM: Elephant.

      MADELEINE: Hmmm?

      JIM: Elephant. You said elephants.

      MADELEINE: Yes well, there were two.

      JIM: Yes, but we were riding on the same one.

      MADELEINE: Hmm? Really? Oh yes, I suppose in a way we were. In a way. That’s right, you were riding towards the back and I was on the shoulders. Leading the way, so to speak.

      JIM: We were side by side. You were looking