Overheard. Mark Love

Orange juice, please!

      RYAN: Yeah, go on then. Mineral water for me, thanks.

       Public Inconvenience

       A nuclear family is browsing through the bathroom displays at their local DIY store.

      DAD: That’d look good.

      MUM: Dunno. Might be a bit, you know.

      DAD: Suppose so.

      DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo!

      MUM: (to Dad). What do you think of that tub? Not the taps just the tub.

      DAD: I don’t like the taps.

      MUM: Not the taps, just the tub.

      DAD: It’s just a tub, isn’t it?

      DAUGHTER: Mummy, Mummy! I used the loo.

      MUM: Shhhhh! Yes, darling, I heard you the first time. Look, I’ll take you in a minute. Mummy and Daddy want to look at the bathtubs.

       Their baby son in his pushchair begins to whine.

      DAD: Oh now look!

      DAUGHTER: Mummy, I did it in the loo.

      MUM: Isabelle, stop shouting! Look, you’ve woken your brother now! All Daddy and me wanted to do was to have five minutes looking at bathtubs, but oh no! Come on then, madam, let’s find you a loo.

      DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo!

      DAD: What is she talking about?

      MUM: I don’t know, she says she used the—Oh. Isabelle, darling, which loo did you use?

      DAUGHTER: (pointing to a display) That one!

      MUM: Oh you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.

       She opens the loo lid.

      MUM: Oh for god’s sake, Isabelle!

       Controversy

       A former high-profile female politician at lunch.

      POLITICIAN: It breaks my heart. You wouldn’t believe how many MPs are gay, the married ones too. It breaks my heart. Good, normal men made to hide their true feelings like this because the blue rinse and rubber chicken brigade out in the constituencies think it’s against nature. It’s barbaric. So much of Parliament, the Lords especially, is like that though. It’s the 1990s and yet they still spend hours and hours debating whether or not the Lord Chancellor should have to wear tights. Is it any wonder that I got fed up?