Overheard. Mark Love

have ’appened.

       Would You?

       An indignant sixth-former holds forth on that year’s notorious New Year’s party, which took place at her house.

      GIRL 1: And you’ll never guess what happened.

      GIRL 2: Oh, is this about M and A?

      GIRL 1: Yeah, I mean, did you hear? On my bed. I don’t think that’s right, do you? That’s minging. Dan? Dan, if you were at someone’s party would you do it on their bed?

      DAN: What?

      GIRL 2: You know—do it. On someone’s bed?

      DAN: Hhhmm.

      GIRL 1: I mean, that’s bad enough. But she said to me, ‘Oh we did it on your bed, not in your bed.’ Like that’s supposed to make it all right! Not in my bed but on it! I mean, like, urghh! I mean, would you have done it on my bed, Dan?

       Dan considers this very carefully.

      DAN: No, I don’t think I’d have done it on your bed. I think I’d probably have done it on your floor. Next to your bed but not on your bed.

       Girl 1 and Girl 2 regard Dan incredulously.

      DAN: What?

       Girl 1 and Girl 2 tut.

      DAN: You know, I’m surprised someone hasn’t warned him about that girl.

       The Communication Age

       A son, who has just arrived home from work, answers the phone.

      MOTHER: Hello, love, it’s me.

      SON: Hi, Mum. How you doing?

      MOTHER: Oh, I’ve got you at last, have I? You wouldn’t believe the problems I’ve had.

      SON: Why?

      MOTHER: Well, every time I phoned you I was getting through to this old woman.

      SON: You mean you misdialled.

      MOTHER: No, I don’t know what it was. Our Rachel had to call t’phone company for me. I’m telling you, every time I tried to call your number I got this old woman. Ooh, she were bad-tempered. ‘Stop calling me,’ she says. ‘I’m not your bloody son.’ Right rude she were.

      SON: It was probably a computer glitch at their end, Mum.

      MOTHER: Yes, but why did it happen to me?

      SON: Well, it’s nothing personal, Mum, it was probably just a typing error.

      MOTHER: But why should it just affect me? Things are always happening to me.

      SON: Honest, Mum, it’s nothing to do with you personally.

      MOTHER: Yes it is! It’s me who has to say sorry!

      SON: I mean, it wasn’t someone getting at you on purpose! It was just an accident.

      MOTHER: But you haven’t had any problems, have you?

      SON: I’m not with your company, Mum.

      MOTHER: Well why would it just be them?

      SON: Mum! I don’t know! It was probably the little man who connects the phones put the wrong two wires together.

      MOTHER: Well it could happen again!

      SON: It probably won’t, Mum.

      MOTHER: Oooh, I don’t know. Things are always happening to me. Anyway, love, I won’t keep you…

      SON: Mum, wait a minute, what were you phoning for in the first place?

      MOTHER: Eh?

      SON: What were you phoning for?

      MOTHER: To find out if I could get through!

      SON: No, I mean before you found out there was a problem.

      MOTHER: Oooh, I don’t know. It’s all confused me a bit.

      SON: You and me both, Mum. You and me both.

       The School Trip

       The leader of a recent skiing trip addresses the staff briefing meeting on Monday morning.

      PE TEACHER: Morning. I’d just like to thank all the members of staff who helped out on the ski trip. Particularly Steve and Marilyn who drove the mini-buses and picked everyone up at 5 a.m. The kids were brilliant! Really well-behaved and they had a great time. There was, er, just the one minor trip to the police station…

      DEPUTY HEAD: Marilyn!

      MARILYN: Sorreee! It’s alright. I got off!

       The Comedic Properties of Fruit

       A team of experienced and not-so-experienced comedy writers are assembled to discuss the latest material submitted for a popular TV sketch show. A heated discussion has taken place for some thirty minutes on whether an apple can ever be funny.

      OLDER WRITER: Look, all I’m saying is that if the camera pulls away to reveal that he has got a sausage stuck up his arse, that is funny. If he’s got an apple stuck up his arse, it isn’t. Simple as that.

      PRODUCER: Well, I can see your point, but isn’t an apple just a bit amusing? I mean, we all laughed.

      OLDER WRITER: Yes, well, we’re professionals…>

      YOUNGER WRITER: Oh for god’s sake!

      OLDER WRITER: No, listen. I’ve been in this game…

      YOUNGER WRITER: Man and boy.

      OLDER WRITER:…man and boy nigh on fifteen years and I can tell you that I’ve never, ever got a laugh out of a piece of fruit.

      PRODUCER: Oh come on, bananas are funny.

      OLDER WRITER: Not really fruit though, are they?

      YOUNGER WRITER: Er, yes.

      PRODUCER: Look, can’t we all just agree that the camera should pull back and reveal that he has something that is amusing, be it fruit or animal derivative, sticking out of his arse?

      FEMALE WRITER: Forgive me for pointing this out, but won’t a sausage look a bit like a turd?

      PRODUCER: Oh, now there’s a point!

      OLDER WRITER: Look, if it was a crab apple, I can see how that would be funny.

      YOUNGER WRITER: How would the viewer know it was a sodding crab apple?

      PRODUCER: Look, let’s leave that one and move on to the wine expert sketch. Basically what happens is we set up the idea that our celebrity wine expert has a new tasting programme on TV. Roll credits, opening shot shows our celebrity wine expert lookalike gobbing off the stage manager. There’s puffing, panting and groaning, then our wine expert wipes her mouth and to camera says, ‘Hmm, I’m getting ripe berries, sunkissed privet hedge, bus stops…’ Blah, blah, blah. Any thoughts?

      OLDER WRITER: Look, how many more bloody times? Berries, apples, any kind of bloody fruit. They’re just not funny, all right?