e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

are us mugs in the TV production department always the last to hear information of crucial relevance to us?

      Simon assured me that the scripts were as good as signed off by the client and you must be aware that we have contracts with these gentlemen of mirth. They will expect money. They have also been to four wardrobe sessions, so I now have a pair of made-to-measure bat suits with pink Lycra capes in my possession, as well as an invoice for £16,000.

      It never rains, darlings …

      Nigel Godley – 4/1/00, 9.39am

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… helpmate

      Top o’ the morning! It was so nice to be able to help you with your document last night. Remember that creating presentable charts on PowerPoint is easy-peasy so long as you remember Nige’s Handy Hints! Any time I can be of service, look me up in my little cubby in accounts – Nige

      PS: want bags-first option on the waffle iron?

      Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 9.52am

      to… Zoe Clarke

      cc…

      re… fuck, fuck, bloody fuck!!!!!

      Fucking hell!!!! I’ve done the stupidest thing!!!!!!! I only got that dick, Nigel, who does the timesheets to help me with the Coke document last night. I’m a fucking idiot, I know – but it was nearly midnight and I just wanted to go home!!!! Now I can’t get rid of him!!!!!!!! Think he fancies me!!!!!! What am I gonna do?!!!!!! He wears grey slip-ons and he’s into the Shopping Channel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

      James Gregory – 4/1/00, 9.54am

      to… Harriet Greenbaum

      cc…

      re… it wasn’t me!

      Harriet, I know what you’re going to say, but it wasn’t me. swear I never told Melinda or anyone else in TV that the client had signed off approvals on L&L. I don’t know how this could have happened. Can we hide the 16k on another job?

      Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 10.16am

      to… James Gregory

      cc…

      re… it wasn’t me!

      I know it wasn’t you. This account has been going rat-shit since a certain senior member of the creative department took up permanent residence in Teletubby Land. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.

      Ken Perry – 4/1/00, 10.24am

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… 0898

      As from today you will no longer be able to dial the premium-rate numbers prefixed by 0898. These form a significant portion of our monthly telecom overhead.

      I appreciate that many of you find the business and traffic bulletins available on these lines invaluable. I apologise for the inconvenience, but ask you to find alternative sources for the information thus obtained.

      Thank you for your co-operation.

      Ken Perry

      Office Administrator

      Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 10.33am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… Mako

      I’ve had an alarming e-mail from Melinda regarding an obligation to L&L. I’ve tried to come to talk to you about it, but Susi wouldn’t let me anywhere near you. I am quite certain that no-one on my team authorised you to run up pre-production costs on Little and Large.

      It beats me how this has happened. Perhaps you can apply your legendary creativity to helping us recover the 16k Melinda says we’ve spent.

      Liam O’Keefe – 4/1/00, 10.58am

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… need aspirin

      Just got in. Read your e. Fuck, that was some night. Lol? My lips are sealed. Will Vin ever talk to me again? Hope so – got to tell the poor geezer what he missed out on.

      No more 0898? How the fuck am I supposed to talk to Trixi on Ripe ’n’ Raw 1–2–1 now? She’s the only bird I know who truly understands a bloke’s deep-rooted need to talk about massive tits and impractical lingerie.

      Head needs Bloody Mary. BZ at lunch, or will you be at your desk making squeaky with your markers?

      Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 11.15am

      to… Harriet Greenbaum

      cc…

      re… Mako

      So, on top of everything else I am expected to fret about the purse strings?

      I believed that once the client saw Little and Large standing before him in bat suits, even a Neanderthal like him would no longer deny the self-evident merit of the idea.

      Was I so wrong to think £16,000 a small price to pay in defence of our art?

      Clearly I was naïve to assume I would have your support.

      But I am a professional, and not in the business of pointing fingers.

      I will pick myself up, dust myself down and move on from here.

      Simon Home – 4/1/00, 11.23am

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… Harriet Greenbaum

      Believe me, David, I do not wish to drop anyone in the brown and gooey. You know that is not my modus operandi.

      But I must make it clear that I had numerous verbal assurances from Harriet that the costs we were running up on Mako were authorised.

      I am not having a go at her.

      I have the utmost respect for her both as a human being and as an advertising practitioner. However, she has been under a great deal of stress lately.

      There is a feeling about the office that James Gregory has been carrying her since her divorce. The unauthorised £16,000 may not be the only over-run on her business.

      She needs our support at this difficult time.

      Perhaps an audit of her other accounts would be helpful.

      Si

      Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 11.33am

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… need aspirin

      Think you’ve got it bad? Vin and me have just been put on Kimbelle because you two useless gits can’t crack it. What we know about ‘the curse’ could be written on a very small Rizla. I don’t know how we’ll fit it in before we fly off to the sun-kissed island of Mauritius at the weekend for our LOVE Channel shoot, accompanied by top topless totty (over-endowed, over-eager and all over me). Don’t like to rub it in, but them’s the breaks. Vin’s getting over you and Lol the only way he knows. He’s got a spotty trainee from IT to help him surf the net for farmyard