e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

local)

      to… [email protected]

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      re… Mako

      It’s good to see you starting off your day with the early worm, too! How we are loving your Little and Large here in Finland. All of their Seaside Specials are on Satellite Golden Hits Station. Such a pity Mr Mako isn’t sharing your cutting-edge excellent good taste. Oh, well, clients like these are the crutches that we who are choosing advertising must be bearing.

      Pip pip! Pertti

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.09am

      to… Chandra Kapoor

      cc…

      re… P45s

      Yesterday lunchtime I informed you that my e-mails were misrouting to Finland. I expected an immediate response. So far, sweet fuck-all. I’ve met plumbers more reliable than your department. Do you actually want to end up outside Mile End tube flogging the Big Issue?

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.17am

      to… Rachel Stevenson

      cc…

      re… IT

      In the midst of some grief I’m having with my e-mail, I had a brainwave. During WW2, when the Nazis were having difficulties with the French Resistance, they’d round up the population of an entire village. Then, for every hour that the partisans didn’t give themselves up, they’d shoot a villager in the head.

      I’d like to do something similar with IT. I suspect that shooting them is out of the question, but how about firing one of them for each hour they don’t sort out my problem?

      I’d be obliged if you could check out the legality of this under current employment legislation.

      Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 8.32am

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… IT

      David, I’m so sorry. I just got Chandra on the phone. He was unaware of your trouble. If you’ve been trying to reach him by e-mail, he hasn’t been getting them. He says IT is extremely busy but he’ll get straight onto it.

      Nigel Godley – 4/1/00, 8.43am

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… for sale

       BREVILLE WAFFLE IRON

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      • The perfect way to ‘toast’ the new Millennium!!

      • First to see will buy

      • £12 o.n.o.

      Call x4667 – Nige

      Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 9.04am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… Mako

      For the record, Simon, I didn’t forget to tell you about Mako’s dislike of Little and Large. There was no need. You were at the client meeting before Christmas to hear it for yourself. If you’re going to tell lies to David about what I have or haven’t done, I’d prefer you didn’t do it when I’m in the room. It insults my intelligence.

      Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 9.10am

      to… Harriet Greenbaum

      cc…

      re… Mako

      Do you realise the pressure I am under?

      I am expected to manage and inspire a department of twelve creative teams.

      I am required to represent the agency’s creative product to our clients – Philistines the lot.

      On top of that I have somehow to find the time to deliver creative coups de grâce of my own.

      If occasionally I forget some little thing a client says in a meeting, well, I am only human.

      Si

      Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 9.11am

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… stress

      Migraine, migraine!

      Susi Judge-Davis – 4/1/00, 9.12am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… stress

      Coffee and Migraleve on the way, darling … Sx

      Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 9.16am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… Mako

      I’m sorry to split hairs, but I wouldn’t have defined the client saying he not only hates Little and Large, but thinks them totally wrong for his brand as a ‘little thing’. All this, though, is academic. I suggest we now co-operate on finding a new campaign. Friday feels horribly close.

      Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 9.35am

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… no-go zone

      If you and Space Cadet First Class Pinki are planning to show Horne any ideas today, don’t. He’s in a right fucking mood. Vin and me took him our Reeves and Mortimer scripts for Freedom. He pissed all over them – said it was hardly the first time they’d been used. Vin pointed out that this was the first time anyone had used them in a mail-order shopping ad, but it didn’t wash. Who the fuck does he think he is, going on about originality? Poxy Little and fucking Large? Tosser. You know Barry Clement used to be his art director? My mate Nick is in his group at Abbott Mead now and apparently Clement claims Horne didn’t have one original thought in the four years they were together. Clement used to come up with all the ideas and all Horne ever said was, ‘Yes, love, but is it a gold?’ They haven’t spoken since they split up and Clement nearly lamped him at D&AD last year.

      Anyway, what happened to you after BZ last night? You were all over that temp like chicken pox. Vin’s well pissed with you. Says he saw her first.

      Susi Judge-Davis, 4/1/00, 9.39am

      to… Creative Department

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      re… Simon’s diary

      Si’s having a terribly stressful morning, so if you have work you need to see him with, could you keep it till later, please. If it’s frightfully urgent, give it to me and I’ll try to get it in front of him. Thx … Susi.

      Melinda Sheridan, 4/1/00, 9.39am

      to… Harriet Greenbaum; James Gregory

      cc…

      re… bat suits

      A dickie bird