Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

daughter’s schooling, friends and hobbies, but not to the extent of smothering her. Communication is vital; spend time listening to her and try to be flexible over some things and aim to avoid confrontation. If she continues to shout and rant and rave, try not to shout back; remember, you are the adult in the situation, even if your daughter knows how to push all your buttons. Walk away if you can and try to restart the conversation when you are both calm. Try to think of teenage tantrums in the same way as toddler tantrums, as this may make it easier.

       Q: What boundaries should I set for my daughters regarding curfew/time to be home at night?

      A: Teenagers need boundaries. They may not like being told to be home by a certain time, but as responsible parents you are showing that you care, and ultimately your teenager will value this and feel secure. Agree a time and then ask her to text you so that you know she is on her way home. This is less intrusive than a phone call, but can be equally reassuring. If your daughter is travelling by public transport, ensure that she is with others, even if this means a couple of additional teenagers staying over for the night. Alternatively, agree where and when you will collect her, and make sure that you are always there on time. Try to ensure that you are discreet when you pick her up. Don’t cross-examine her about her evening; wait and allow her to tell you what she has been up to. If possible, it is helpful to do a rota with some of your daughter’s friends’ parents, as this takes the pressure away from you.

       Q: How do I know if I should trust my daughter when she tells me where and who she is going out with?

      A: You have to build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. You need to be aware that trust has as much to do with your relationship with your daughter as it does with her behaviour. When extending trust, you need to make it clear that when giving it, you require the truth. Your daughter needs to know for certain that you can survive the truth — even if it is occasionally ugly — and that so can she. Talking to her regularly about concerns regarding school work, friends, social situations and potential pitfalls lets your daughter know where you stand and why. All relationships in life are predicated on trust and honesty. Your daughter needs to know that actions have consequences, but if she is honest, your relationship will survive.

       Q: How do I respond when my daughter tells me the ‘ugly truth’?

      A: If your daughter has the guts to tell you at the age of 13 that, for example, she got drunk at a party, the fact she has told you means that she has been frightened by this and is asking for your support to help her make better decisions. It may not feel like this at the time, but if you severely punish her, then why would she continue to confide in you? You need to help your daughter move on from unfortunate incidents and ensure that she knows how to be safe and secure the next time. It isn’t easy; but if you keep the doors of communication open, she will confide in you. Always remember that you are instilling in your daughter a moral code for her future. If your daughter tells you that she thinks she may be pregnant, take a deep breath and remember that she has told you because she wants you to help her. Take her to the doctor and try to support her through the situation.

      Friends

      Girls’ friendships can be lifelong and your daughter is likely to need your help and guidance as she acquires the skills necessary to form healthy friendships. She may have to deal with bullies or with over-intense relationships, with jealousy, rivalry and perhaps betrayal. As she grows up her peer group will become increasingly influential and you will want to help her maintain her personal integrity while integrating with her group. Your daughter’s friendships will shape her identity, affirm her sense of worth and will also affect the sort of young woman she grows into. But they are also the source of great joy, strength and, above all, fun!

      Best friends for ever

      From a young age, girls start to develop friendships, and their importance grows as they get older. As with family relationships, they are usually multi-layered, very complex and heavily charged with powerful emotions.

      Girls typically talk – and talk and talk. They can end up talking about each other, and this can translate to ‘bitchiness’. This is all the more distressing when carried out by text or email, and your daughter needs to learn not to get involved in such things, and to only talk about others if it is kind, true and necessary (or at least two of these things).

      In general, friendships are especially important for identity-development during adolescence, and group-loyalty can be extreme. Girls’ friendships can be lifelong, and can be even closer than those of sisters. For the most part, these friendships develop through communication, shared experience and the development of loyalty.

      Loyalty to friends can be paramount, and when a friend is disloyal, it can be the sudden and immediate end of that relationship, with no second chance. This may seem extreme to us as parents, but the point works both ways, and the needs of a friend may trump any obligations within a family, for fear of being seen as disloyal.

      Typically, there comes a stage in many girls’ lives when they have, or would like to have, a close best friend, to whom they appear completely joined, emotionally. Lovely though this can be, it can exclude the development of other friendships, leaving a girl exposed to immense emotional loss should the friendship founder, as it probably will at some point. You may become aware that your daughter is being harmed by a manipulative and emotionally needy friend, and it can take skilled conversations over a period of time to help your daughter retain the friendship at a less deep level. This will help her to tell the friend that she still likes her and enjoys her company, but she retains her own identity and self-authority so will not always do what her friend wants. This may strengthen the healthy side of the friendship, or it may cause it to fade.

       Top tips:

      • Get to know the families of your daughter’s close friends. If a school has receptions or parents’ meetings, it is worth seeking out the parents of your daughters’ friends; you will be glad of each other’s support with respect to behavioural guidelines as your daughters travel through adolescence together, but even before that, play-dates, birthday parties and shared lifts are appreciated on both sides.

      • If your daughter finds it difficult to make friends for any reason, tell her teacher, and ask for ideas as to what you can do, and what the school can do, to help her in this. If it is not successful, you may find that you have to arrange social gatherings with other families so at least your daughter knows other children or young people. Some girls do find it hard to make friends and may not achieve it easily until the sixth form, if that. For more on this, read ‘My daughter doesn’t have any friends’, also in this section.

      • Most parents encourage their daughter’s friends to visit. If taken on holiday, however, you may find a week can sometimes be as much as girls’ friendships can cope with.

      • Encourage your daughter to have several good friendships, even if there is one special friend.

      • Enjoy your daughter’s friendships – for many parents, one of the great unsung joys of parenthood is getting to know their daughter’s friends, right into adulthood.

      When friendships go wrong

      Why are friendships so important to girls – and why is it the end of the world when they go wrong?

      Most girls want to have friends – someone to share secrets with, who looks out for them each morning and who’ll miss them when they’re absent. But, beyond that, your daughter’s choice of friends says a great deal about her, both to her and to others.

      Alongside how she dresses, her choice of friends is a large part of the image she wants to portray – she’s popular, part of the ‘in-crowd’. In short, she’s worth knowing. And here’s the proof: other girls like her, and the ‘cooler’ they are, the greater her standing in the wider social group.

      Within the group, it’s a safe place for her to try out ideas and opinions. It builds her confidence to know that her friends agree with her, be it about world issues or that must-have shade of nail varnish. There’s also a lot of sharing of concerns. Worries about health, parents, boys, exams – all are shared, and frequently in great detail,