Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

appreciate their own qualities – and how they owe it to themselves to wait for the right person and the right time. It will be worth it.

      I’ve got something to tell you . . .

      ‘How can I tell Ben I don’t want to see him any more?’ It’s easy, isn’t it, to respond to this question in a supportive and practical way. ‘How can I tell him I like somebody else?’ This takes more careful thinking. ‘How do I tell him that “somebody else” is another girl?’ This may be more challenging than anything you have experienced before.

      When you have already seen your daughter through several romances, of varying levels of seriousness, this one may come as a shock, to say the least. The young person that you thought you ‘knew’ suddenly shows a facet to her personality that is totally unexpected and alien. The temptation is to think that she is not the daughter you thought she was. This is, of course, not true. She is still ‘yours’, still the same person, still the same member of your family. She has merely taken a different turning off the road that you had envisaged for her. It might be a little rockier, but that’s all! It is your role to make sure that she knows you are still there to help her to navigate.

      It is a fact that teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. This struggle can be a painful one for some young people who cannot reconcile their feelings to what is regarded as ‘normal’. As parents, we have grown to have expectations of our children in all aspects of life. We expect them to exhibit social behaviour that is acceptable; we expect them to achieve their full educational potential; we expect them to develop personal and social skills that will help them to make their way in society. How much of this is expecting them to ‘conform’ to the traditional conventions of society that were relevant in our teenage years? It has taken a long time for our society to learn to accept other ‘differences’ within our midst – disability, gender and race equality. Why should a person’s sexuality be any different?

      There is a strong need for young people to know that we understand their feelings and are willing to help them through what is, inevitably, a confusing time for them. We have to be comfortable in helping them to explore or come to terms with how they feel about themselves. In doing so, we may also need our own support. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are not the first parent to be faced with this challenge; there are many local and national support groups, or you may even find unexpected reassurance from friends and family. Parents of gay and lesbian young people are a great ‘listening ear’. They have heard all the worries, concerns, prejudices and anxieties before and have probably experienced them themselves.

      Don’t expect an easy journey. There will be times when doubts and fears come to mind – but these will always come as part of being a parent. In the long run you must be secure in the knowledge that your daughter will be with someone she cares for and who cares for her and that she has the confidence to deal with some of the difficult issues she may face. After all, not everybody she meets will be as understanding as parents are. Never close the conversations that need to be had, ask to hear the truth from your daughter, and make sure that she is happy to hear the truth from you. For more information and support see the relevant websites listed at the back of this book.

       Sexual relationships Q&A

       Q: My 13-year-old daughter says she has a boyfriend — isn’t she too young?

      A: It all depends on what your daughter means when she says that she has a boyfriend. Relationships with the opposite sex will blossom from puberty onwards; what is important is that your daughter has the tools both to deal with the attendant strong emotions and to say ‘no’ to the development of a sexual element at this early age. Parents often find it difficult to talk to their daughters about sex; try reading a down-to-earth leaflet for parents produced by Parentlineplus, entitled Keeping your Teenager Safe: Talking about Relationships. If you find that you need further support, consult their helpline at www.parent-lineplus.org.uk.

       My daughter’s boyfriend is taking over her life

       Q: My daughter has a boyfriend who has completely taken over her life. She doesn’t see any of her school friends socially, which means that she now feels ‘isolated’ at school, and this has led to truanting. The school has been very understanding, but I am afraid that they will eventually lose patience. The teachers have given her a great deal of support, and she was set a lot of work to catch up on over the summer. I was hoping that the summer holiday would give time for her to reconnect with her friends, but instead it has made the position worse! She self-harms, which, coupled with the fact that she is incredibly emotional, makes trying to have a sensible conversation about any of the issues lead to shouting, slammed doors and her storming out of the house. She has now started her GCSE year (Year 11) and keeps trying to reassure me that she will work hard, but I have heard these promises before, and they have been broken every time. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

      A: Try to engage external help in the form of counselling, as this is not really about your daughter’s boyfriend, but rather about how she feels about herself and her life — her lack of self-love — and neither you nor she is going to be able to resolve this situation alone. How, though, can you make your daughter see a counsellor? Firstly, go to the school again, and talk about the issues that most concern you. You certainly need the school to adopt a tougher line with your daughter, in order to help support you — they should be less understanding about the truanting and more insistent upon her following the rules; if she truants, she should make up the time — she has to see that her actions have consequences. Does the school know about your daughter’s self-harming? If not, you should tell them — some schools have a policy of not permitting pupils to be in school if they self-harm until they have a proper counselling course in place to support them and help them to recover. You need all the pressure you can find to bring to bear on your daughter to ensure that she sees a counsellor — sometimes the threat of not being allowed in school can be enough of a shock to make girls toe the line in this respect. In the past, you may have found yourself apologising for your daughter’s behaviour to the school, and asking for their forgiveness and understanding, and they may have taken their lead from you; now, however, is the time for rm boundaries, which your daughter will actually crave, and together you will be stronger. Moreover, the school may have some good ideas about potential counsellors experienced in dealing with teenagers; failing this, ask your GP. Don’t blame yourself— teenagers are complex beings, and she needs someone who is trained to help her see why she is behaving in the way she is, and to help her address how she feels. This is worth investing in — and now.

       Vampire books — harmless fantasy or an inappropriate subject?

      Q: My 14-year-old daughter has just been given the book Marked by P. C. Cast (it’s a vampire novel — she likes the Twilight series). I’ve just read it and don’t like the fact it has some sexual content. Also, like some other vampire books, blood lust and sex are connected, and I think it’s inappropriate for her age. I’m not sure how to deal with this, as someone else gave it to her. Am I being naive in assuming she won’t understand the sexual references?

      A: Discuss your concerns with your daughter. The book does have some bad language and sexual content but, rather like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it’s the combination of a high school setting and teenage preoccupations with the supernatural that makes it appealing to young readers, and many girls of your daughter’s age are likely to be reading this type of book.

      On the positive side, the book does contain a moral message about the inadvisability and dangers of casual sex, drink and drugs — but there is some titillation, too, and girls will be attracted to it because of the risqué nature of some of the references. It’s similar to the issue of what girls need to be taught about sex and relationships. Ignorance is the most dangerous thing of all, and at least the book isn’t presenting casual sex as ‘cool’. Girls are interested in the emotional repercussions of becoming interested in the opposite sex and they will enjoy the vicarious thrill of the romantic episodes. It is likely that many 14-year-olds will understand the sexual references, though younger girls might not and should probably be discouraged from reading it.

      If