Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

thing, rather than in hope of reward or out of fear of punishment. We want our children to aim for a life well lived, involving sensitivity to and care for others (rather than a pure focus on self), speaking out against bullying in all its forms and showing disapproval of blatant injustice or prejudice.

      There are many ways in which schools and parents can work in concert to ensure that the children at the heart of this relationship receive the support and guidance they need to be their best, during their years at school and in their lives beyond. Good schools and responsible parents provide young people with a secure framework within which to make their own choices and decisions, as well as their own mistakes. We know we cannot live children’s lives for them. We cannot prevent them from occasionally getting it wrong, and it can be disheartening for parents to see their children making the same mistakes that they themselves made. But these are their mistakes to make, painful though that might be, and a loving parent has to help their offspring deal with the disappointment of such experiences and move forward. Parents cannot be held responsible for the unwise choices their children may sometimes make.

      A school governor suggested that, in a sense, we erect scaffolding around our children, but, as they grow older, we need to begin to dismantle it. By the time they are 18 and about to leave home for university or join the world of work, they should be standing tall and secure without the degree of structured support they may have needed when they were younger. They may find that they are now living independently and caring for themselves without parents on hand and without the monitoring and guidance they will have received at school. They will need to be sufficiently organised, motivated and self-disciplined so that they can pace their work and get the balance right. Some may be tempted to work too hard; more will be tempted not to work hard enough. By this stage, schools and parents together should have equipped them with the skills they will need not only to survive, but also to flourish in their new state of independence.

      So how can we work together to provide the framework and to give the girls and boys in our schools the tools they need to do the job? Firstly, we need recognition that education, in its widest sense, is the job of all of us. It is naive and misleading to suggest that schools educate academically and parents instil moral values. It is impossible to see education in a narrow sense as somehow divorced from moral values. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure these young people live well, achieving their best within the classroom and outside it and developing a healthy sense of social responsibility.

      Secondly, parents need to ensure that their children are able to take responsibility, including for those things they get wrong. If your son or daughter is in trouble at school, leaping to their defence isn’t necessarily in their best interests, however comforting it might feel. If a child has made an unwise choice, working with the school to give clear messages and to ensure that your son or daughter knows where the parameters are (and which boundaries they have crossed) will help them far more than being ‘in their corner’. With a truculent teenager at home, it seems like too good an opportunity to miss being on their side against the perceived common enemy at school. A Deputy Head reported an incident of dealing with a girl who was suspected of being responsible for writing graffiti in a school toilet. The father waded in, outraged that his daughter would ever be accused of doing such a thing. It took the wind out of his sails somewhat when the Deputy Head told him that she had openly admitted she had done it before he arrived.

      Returning to the comment of the parent who yearned for positive feedback on her parenting, this is something that Heads quite frequently offer. When we sit down together to discuss a particular issue, especially if the parent is trying to set boundaries and meeting resistance, Heads will quite often say, ‘You are doing the right things.’ It is important to tell parents not to apologise for caring about and worrying about their children, even when this occasionally makes them overly passionate. Parents are encouraged to be strong, to appreciate that, despite the resistance, children do want and need boundaries, as boundaries reassure them that they are loved. And, of great importance — Heads try very hard not to bash the parents. We are all on the same side — which is, of course, the children’s.

       Family Q&A

       Fraught families – keep talking . . .

      Q: My 12-year-old daughter had a terrible row with my mother-in-law (her grandmother) a month ago and said some terrible things, calling her names, etc. She is going through a bad time: her father and I have recently separated and she had some friendship issues at school. Her grandmother now doesn’t want anything to do with her and has written a letter criticising my parenting. What should I do — just let the dust settle or write back?

      A: It’s important to keep communicating, even when relationships are not going smoothly. Try writing to your mother-in-law, apologising on behalf of your daughter and explaining how difficult she is finding your recent separation. Then you could say how sorry you are that she doesn’t want to see her granddaughter at the moment. Emphasise the importance of a grandparent’s role, particularly when parents are separating, and remind her of how awkward teenagers can be, even at the best of times. Finally, state that, of course, you will respect her wishes but will welcome her back when she feels the time is right, wishing her well in the meantime.

       Q: My partner and I are going through a difficult patch but are trying to protect our daughter from any effects of our dispute. Is this possible?

      A: Parents’ individual problems can influence the dynamic within a family, and a child can often ‘act out’ when the conflict gets too much. So, for example, it is often the case that younger siblings will mimic parents’ arguments, using the same language and tone of voice, and often will be physically aggressive with one another to express their frustrations. Your older daughter may start to develop faddy eating habits or perhaps begin to self-harm. All these are examples of ways in which children will aim to divert attention away from the arguing parents and instead become the focus of the attention themselves. Teenagers will often do this subconsciously as a way of ensuring that their parents will have to come together, even if only to talk about the troubled teenager.

      Do not underestimate the effect of what you do as parents and how this can impact upon your daughter and your other children. Children are very sensitive to arguments, and they pick up on conflict in relationships and may act this out within their play or with their friends. For example, if your daughter starts having complex friendship issues with her school friends, perhaps think of what could be happening at home that is upsetting and unsettling her.

      Above all, keep the lines of communication open both with your children and with each other, and don’t be afraid to turn to external sources for help. There are some listed in the back of this book.

       Q: How do I keep the channels of communication open without my daughter thinking I am neurotic?

      A: It is important that your daughter knows how to communicate with you and for you to know the best ways in which to communicate with her. Talk to your daughter about what she would prefer — whether you should check in with her in person, by phone or by text. Try to do it in an unobtrusive way, but remind her that you are checking up on her as you are concerned about her personal wellbeing and safety. It may also be useful to have the mobile phone numbers of some of her friends so you can drop them a brief text if you are unable to get hold of your daughter. However, be careful only to use these numbers in an emergency.

       Q: Why is my daughter always so horrible to me, yet can wrap her father around her little finger?

      A: The relationship between mothers and daughters is probably both the most fruitful and the most fraught there is. The daughter often overidentifies with the mother and feelings of hate and love are frequently intertwined. The mother is fully aware of the perils and pitfalls that may occur during her daughter’s teenage years and she feels deeply protective of her. A father, on the other hand, sees his beautiful daughter emerging and is charmed by her. Both parents (whether living together or apart) should agree ground rules for their daughter (and, of course, other children) and stick to them. Giving a daughter a consistent message and setting realistic boundaries is vital and she will thank her parents for it.

       Q: How do I handle my daughter’s