The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

Dedication

      For Marley

PREFACE

       I Didn’t Have This Book When I Was a Puppy

      There was a time not long ago when dogs were necessities, not accessories. We corralled wayward sheep in the heartland. We brought warming brandy to climbers in the hinterland. We were a valued asset to every fireman, a faithful sentinel for every rag-and-bone man and a slavishly loyal friend to everyman. We roamed freely because we had earned our keep, and our aggressions and wanderlust were celebrated, not curbed. It was a time when we ran on the ground instead of being toted about in frilly pink satchels, a time when we were simply hosed down in the garden instead of ferried to the groomer. It was a time B.D. – Before Domestication, when we could be what we are. Dogs.

      In an age of pampering and pet steps, we seem to have lost touch with the greatest joys of canine existence – instinctive joys that the stoic Great Dane, the scampering Chihuahua and the barky old pound mutt alike could share: finding the nastiest odours to roll in, savoring the subtle earthy flavours of a Jimmy Choo slingback – and, of course, mounting bitches.

      In these pages you will read great tales of canine bravery and bravado, such as the journey of the first dog to set foot on North America. You will know the glory achieved by courageous dogs of war. You will be awed by the landmark silver screen performances of Cujo, Old Yeller and the ferocious Beagle Pack in Omen III: The Final Conflict. You will know what it means to be a Dog.

      What is the greatest scratching position in the world? How do you escape a humiliating attack of ‘dressing up’? Can you ever catch your own tail? The answers are inside this book. We provide them not just as an instructional guide, but as a way to put you back in touch with your thrill-seeking, mischievous roots. Here we are reminded of the old canine proverb: ‘Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww!’ – a sentiment as true today as it was in the day of our wild ancestors.

      We wish we had a book like this when we were puppies. All too often we dogs are content to sleep seventeen hours a day, with a biscuit break here and there, unaware of all the wondrous fun we could be having treeing a squirrel, lapping up the wind from a car window or constructing a custom bed out of our owner’s clean laundry.

      When you reach a certain age, things become routine. The doorbell doesn’t excite you as much as it once did, the bottoms at the park all smell the same, and your dreams of herding sheep on the open range have faded away.

      But today’s dog should never forget there’s a whole wide world of adventure out there. We hope that this book doesn’t merely remind you of your puppyhood, but truly rekindles it. Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww, indeed.

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

Dedication

Preface: I Didn’t Have This Book When I Was a Puppy

Things You Can Chase

Begging: A Primer

The Roots of Barks

Swimming

Courageous Dogs in History – Part One

A Connoisseur’s Guide to Shoes

Cats

Building a Kennel

How to Escape Humiliating Costumes

Epic Walks – Part One: The Land Bridge

Interpreting Commands

Poo: An Indelicate Discussion

       Escaping Fenced-in Areas

       Great Dog Battles – Part One

       Questions About the World

       How to Pick a Pill out of Peanut Butter

       Foul Smells Every Dog Should Roll in

       Literature

       Constellations

       Courageous Dogs in History – Part Two

       How to Choose and Bury a Bone

       Squirrels

       What to Do During a Thunderstorm

       Epic Walks – Part Two: The Argo

       Riding in a Car

       Dog Jobs

       What’s Edible?

       Territory – What It Is, Why It’s Yours and Why You Must Defend It at All Costs

       The Origin of Parks

       Sounds They Can’t Hear