Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series. Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

Mihailovna, ran away with an architect, and so on.

      LOMOV. And your mother was hump-backed. [Clutches at his heart] Something pulling in my side… My head… Help! Water!

      CHUBUKOV. Your father was a guzzling gambler!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. And there haven’t been many backbiters to equal your aunt!

      LOMOV. My left foot has gone to sleep… You’re an intriguer… Oh, my heart!.. And it’s an open secret that before the last elections you bri… I can see stars… Where’s my hat?

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It’s low! It’s dishonest! It’s mean!

      CHUBUKOV. And you’re just a malicious, double-faced intriguer! Yes!

      LOMOV. Here’s my hat… My heart!.. Which way? Where’s the door? Oh!.. I think I’m dying… My foot’s quite numb… [Goes to the door.]

      CHUBUKOV. [Following him] And don’t set foot in my house again!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Take it to court! We’ll see!

      [LOMOV staggers out.]

      CHUBUKOV. Devil take him! [Walks about in excitement.]

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What a rascal! What trust can one have in one’s neighbours after that!

      CHUBUKOV. The villain! The scarecrow!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. The monster! First he takes our land and then he has the impudence to abuse us.

      CHUBUKOV. And that blind hen, yes, that turnip-ghost has the confounded cheek to make a proposal, and so on! What? A proposal!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What proposal?

      CHUBUKOV. Why, he came here so as to propose to you.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. To propose? To me? Why didn’t you tell me so before?

      CHUBUKOV. So he dresses up in evening clothes. The stuffed sausage! The wizen-faced frump!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. To propose to me? Ah! [Falls into an easy-chair and wails] Bring him back! Back! Ah! Bring him here.

      CHUBUKOV. Bring whom here?

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Quick, quick! I’m ill! Fetch him! [Hysterics.]

      CHUBUKOV. What’s that? What’s the matter with you? [Clutches at his head] Oh, unhappy man that I am! I’ll shoot myself! I’ll hang myself! We’ve done for her!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. I’m dying! Fetch him!

      CHUBUKOV. Tfoo! At once. Don’t yell!

      [Runs out. A pause. NATALYA STEPANOVNA wails.]

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What have they done to me! Fetch him back! Fetch him! [A pause.]

      [CHUBUKOV runs in.]

      CHUBUKOV. He’s coming, and so on, devil take him! Ouf! Talk to him yourself; I don’t want to…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. [Wails] Fetch him!

      CHUBUKOV. [Yells] He’s coming, I tell you. Oh, what a burden, Lord, to be the father of a grown-up daughter! I’ll cut my throat! I will, indeed! We cursed him, abused him, drove him out, and it’s all you… you!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. No, it was you!

      CHUBUKOV. I tell you it’s not my fault. [LOMOV appears at the door] Now you talk to him yourself [Exit.]

      [LOMOV enters, exhausted.]

      LOMOV. My heart’s palpitating awfully… My foot’s gone to sleep… There’s something keeps pulling in my side.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Forgive us, Ivan Vassilevitch, we were all a little heated… I remember now: Oxen Meadows really are yours.

      LOMOV. My heart’s beating awfully… My Meadows… My eyebrows are both twitching…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. The Meadows are yours, yes, yours… Do sit down… [They sit] We were wrong…

      LOMOV. I did it on principle… My land is worth little to me, but the principle…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Yes, the principle, just so… Now let’s talk of something else.

      LOMOV. The more so as I have evidence. My aunt’s grandmother gave the land to your father’s grandfather’s peasants…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Yes, yes, let that pass… [Aside] I wish I knew how to get him started… [Aloud] Are you going to start shooting soon?

      LOMOV. I’m thinking of having a go at the blackcock, honoured Natalya Stepanovna, after the harvest. Oh, have you heard? Just think, what a misfortune I’ve had! My dog Guess, whom you know, has gone lame.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What a pity! Why?

      LOMOV. I don’t know… Must have got twisted, or bitten by some other dog… [Sighs] My very best dog, to say nothing of the expense. I gave Mironov 125 roubles for him.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It was too much, Ivan Vassilevitch.

      LOMOV. I think it was very cheap. He’s a first-rate dog.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Papa gave 85 roubles for his Squeezer, and Squeezer is heaps better than Guess!

      LOMOV. Squeezer better than. Guess? What an idea! [Laughs] Squeezer better than Guess!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Of course he’s better! Of course, Squeezer is young, he may develop a bit, but on points and pedigree he’s better than anything that even Volchanetsky has got.

      LOMOV. Excuse me, Natalya Stepanovna, but you forget that he is overshot, and an overshot always means the dog is a bad hunter!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Overshot, is he? The first time I hear it!

      LOMOV. I assure you that his lower jaw is shorter than the upper.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Have you measured?

      LOMOV. Yes. He’s all right at following, of course, but if you want him to get hold of anything…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. In the first place, our Squeezer is a thoroughbred animal, the son of Harness and Chisels, while there’s no getting at the pedigree of your dog at all… He’s old and as ugly as a worn-out cab-horse.

      LOMOV. He is old, but I wouldn’t take five Squeezers for him… Why, how can you?.. Guess is a dog; as for Squeezer, well, it’s too funny to argue… Anybody you like has a dog as good as Squeezer… you may find them under every bush almost. Twenty-five roubles would be a handsome price to pay for him.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. There’s some demon of contradiction in you to-day, Ivan Vassilevitch. First you pretend that the Meadows are yours; now, that Guess is better than Squeezer. I don’t like people who don’t say what they mean, because you know perfectly well that Squeezer is a hundred times better than your silly Guess. Why do you want to say it isn’t?

      LOMOV. I see, Natalya Stepanovna, that you consider me either blind or a fool. You must realize that Squeezer is overshot!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It’s not true.

      LOMOV. He is!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It’s not true!

      LOMOV. Why shout, madam?

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Why talk rot? It’s awful! It’s time your Guess was shot, and you compare him with Squeezer!

      LOMOV. Excuse me; I cannot continue this discussion: my heart is palpitating.

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. I’ve noticed that those hunters argue most who know least.

      LOMOV. Madam, please be silent… My heart is going to pieces… [Shouts] Shut up!

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. I shan’t shut up until you acknowledge that Squeezer is a hundred times better than your Guess!

      LOMOV. A hundred times worse! Be hanged to your Squeezer! His head… eyes… shoulder…

      NATALYA STEPANOVNA. There’s no need to hang your silly Guess; he’s half-dead already!

      LOMOV. [Weeps] Shut up! My heart’s bursting!

      NATALYA