Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series. Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

You must excuse me, maman, but it’s only swindlers who behave like that. I’m not doing this out of egoisticism [Note: So in the original] – I don’t want your tickets – but on principle; and I don’t allow myself to be done by anybody. I have made your daughter happy, and if you don’t give me the tickets to-day I’ll make short work of her. I’m an honourable man!

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Looks round the table and counts up the covers] One, two, three, four, five…

      A WAITER. The cook asks if you would like the ices served with rum, madeira, or by themselves?

      APLOMBOV. With rum. And tell the manager that there’s not enough wine. Tell him to prepare some more Haut Sauterne. [To NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA] You also promised and agreed that a general was to be here to supper. And where is he?

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. That isn’t my fault, my dear.

      APLOMBOV. Whose fault, then?

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. It’s Andrey Andreyevitch’s fault… Yesterday he came to see us and promised to bring a perfectly real general. [Sighs] I suppose he couldn’t find one anywhere, or he’d have brought him… You think we don’t mind? We’d begrudge our child nothing. A general, of course…

      APLOMBOV. But there’s more… Everybody, including yourself, maman, is aware of the fact that Yats, that telegraphist, was after Dashenka before I proposed to her. Why did you invite him? Surely you knew it would be unpleasant for me?

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Oh, how can you? Epaminond Maximovitch was married himself only the other day, and you’ve already tired me and Dashenka out with your talk. What will you be like in a year’s time? You are horrid, really horrid.

      APLOMBOV. Then you don’t like to hear the truth? Aha! Oh, oh! Then behave honourably. I only want you to do one thing, be honourable!

      [Couples dancing the grand ronde come in at one door and out at the other end. The first couple are DASHENKA with one of the GROOMSMEN. The last are YATS and ZMEYUKINA. These two remain behind. ZHIGALOV and DIMBA enter and go up to the table.]

      GROOMSMAN. [Shouting] Promenade! Messieurs, promenade! [Behind] Promenade!

      [The dancers have all left the scene.]

      YATS. [To ZMEYUKINA] Have pity! Have pity, adorable Anna Martinovna.

      ZMEYUKINA. Oh, what a man!.. I’ve already told you that I’ve no voice to-day.

      YATS. I implore you to sing! Just one note! Have pity! Just one note!

      ZMEYUKINA. I’m tired of you… [Sits and fans herself.]

      YATS. No, you’re simply heartless! To be so cruel – if I may express myself – and to have such a beautiful, beautiful voice! With such a voice, if you will forgive my using the word, you shouldn’t be a midwife, but sing at concerts, at public gatherings! For example, how divinely you do that fioritura… that… [Sings] “I loved you; love was vain then…” Exquisite!

      ZMEYUKINA. [Sings] “I loved you, and may love again.” Is that it?

      YATS. That’s it! Beautiful!

      ZMEYUKINA. No, I’ve no voice to-day… There, wave this fan for me… it’s hot! [To APLOMBOV] Epaminond Maximovitch, why are you so melancholy? A bridegroom shouldn’t be! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself, you wretch? Well, what are you so thoughtful about?

      APLOMBOV. Marriage is a serious step! Everything must be considered from all sides, thoroughly.

      ZMEYUKINA. What beastly sceptics you all are! I feel quite suffocated with you all around… Give me atmosphere! Do you hear? Give me atmosphere! [Sings a few notes.]

      YATS. Beautiful! Beautiful!

      ZMEYUKINA. Fan me, fan me, or I feel I shall have a heart attack in a minute. Tell me, please, why do I feel so suffocated?

      YATS. It’s because you’re sweating…

      ZMEYUKINA. Foo, how vulgar you are! Don’t dare to use such words!

      YATS. Beg pardon! Of course, you’re used, if I may say so, to aristocratic society and…

      ZMEYUKINA. Oh, leave me alone! Give me poetry, delight! Fan me, fan me!

      ZHIGALOV. [To DIMBA] Let’s have another, what? [Pours out] One can always drink. So long only, Harlampi Spiridonovitch, as one doesn’t forget one’s business. Drink and be merry… And if you can drink at somebody else’s expense, then why not drink? You can drink… Your health! [They drink] And do you have tigers in Greece?

      DIMBA. Yes.

      ZHIGALOV. And lions?

      DIMBA. And lions too. In Russia zere’s nussing, and in Greece zere’s everysing – my fazer and uncle and brozeres – and here zere’s nussing.

      ZHIGALOV. H’m… And are there whales in Greece?

      DIMBA. Yes, everysing.

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [To her husband] What are they all eating and drinking like that for? It’s time for everybody to sit down to supper. Don’t keep on shoving your fork into the lobsters… They’re for the general. He may come yet…

      ZHIGALOV. And are there lobsters in Greece?

      DIMBA. Yes… zere is everysing.

      ZHIGALOV. Hm… And Civil Servants.

      ZMEYUKINA. I can imagine what the atmosphere is like in Greece!

      ZHIGALOV. There must be a lot of swindling. The Greeks are just like the Armenians or gipsies. They sell you a sponge or a goldfish and all the time they are looking out for a chance of getting something extra out of you. Let’s have another, what?

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. What do you want to go on having another for? It’s time everybody sat down to supper. It’s past eleven.

      ZHIGALOV. If it’s time, then it’s time. Ladies and gentlemen, please! [Shouts] Supper! Young people!

      NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Dear visitors, please be seated!

      ZMEYUKINA. [Sitting down at the table] Give me poetry.

      “And he, the rebel, seeks the storm,

      As if the storm can give him peace.”

      Give me the storm!

      YATS. [Aside] Wonderful woman! I’m in love! Up to my ears!

      [Enter DASHENKA, MOZGOVOY, GROOMSMEN, various ladies and gentlemen, etc. They all noisily seat themselves at the table. There is a minute’s pause, while the band plays a march.]

      MOZGOVOY. [Rising] Ladies and gentlemen! I must tell you this… We are going to have a great many toasts and speeches. Don’t let’s wait, but begin at once. Ladies and gentlemen, the newly married!

      [The band plays a flourish. Cheers. Glasses are touched. APLOMBOV and DASHENKA kiss each other.]

      YATS. Beautiful! Beautiful! I must say, ladies and gentlemen, giving honour where it is due, that this room and the accommodation generally are splendid! Excellent, wonderful! Only you know, there’s one thing we haven’t got – electric light, if I may say so! Into every country electric light has already been introduced, only Russia lags behind.

      ZHIGALOV. [Meditatively] Electricity… h’m… In my opinion electric lighting is just a swindle… They put a live coal in and think you don’t see them! No, if you want a light, then you don’t take a coal, but something real, something special, that you can get hold of! You must have a fire, you understand, which is natural, not just an invention!

      YATS. If you’d ever seen an electric battery, and how it’s made up, you’d think differently.

      ZHIGALOV. Don’t want to see one. It’s a swindle, a fraud on the public… They want to squeeze our last breath out of us… We know then, these… And, young man, instead of defending a swindle, you would be much better occupied if you had another yourself and poured out some for other people – yes!

      APLOMBOV. I entirely agree with you, papa. Why start a learned discussion? I