Intertwined Fates. Ariana Bazhenova

even have the right to show the pain that’s persistently twisting my insides.

      I have to survive another day, step by step. I threw a small thermos I had long forgotten into my bag: today I was going to secretly pour coffee in our office, take a couple of paper cups and take it all to another building, where our rehearsal would take place.

      Through these difficulties, I was going to treat and please Leo, and also create a working mood for myself, since the caffeine had long been absorbed into my blood and kept me afloat.

      Before leaving, I looked in the mirror – I chose a strict black shirt dress, cinched at the thin waist with a belt with a snake print. Clear forms and nothing superfluous. Nodding to my reflection, I left the house, once again making the long walk to work across half the city.

      Running into the conference room five minutes before the appointed time, I set the cups on the table, poured coffee. I connected the presentation, into which so much effort and time had been invested. Leo slowly entered the office, threw his jacket on the sofa and sat down next to me at the table.

      «Here. Black, no sugar,» I confidently pushed the cup towards him.

      «Thank you, that’s how I drink it. As if you’ve known me for ages,» he smiled.

      «Start your story,» I nodded warmly to him, «your block opens our module.»

      Leo paused slightly, then began telling me the introductory part. I followed his story with interest. It was obvious that he was making up a speech on the fly. This made me smile.

      He caught my sly glance and gave in – he began to openly discuss with me how best to structure the presentation in this or that part. His speech was full of vivid examples and jokes on the verge of decency, so that I laughed loudly and heartily, losing control of myself, and tears appeared in the corners of my eyes.

      – Stop laughing at me! Now I’ll look at you, how you’re going to tell it! – he exclaimed with feigned indignation.

      I slid a tender glance at him and, after hesitating for a second, reached out and brushed a thread off his sweater. Then I turned away from the screen, leaned back in the chair, stretching out my leg in a high boot. My hand lay on the armrest, accidentally exposing a deep, bright scratch recently earned through carelessness.

      – What’s wrong with your hand? – he exclaimed worriedly, as soon as I turned my hand over. I turned around and saw that he reflexively extended his hand to mine, holding it back a millimeter so as not to touch my skin.

      – Oh, nonsense, cooking. Domestic injuries, – I smiled and began to tell my block, picking up his speech.

      Luckily, we fit in exactly an hour and a half, as we originally planned.

      – Forgive me for laughing at the beginning. I was laughing not at you, but with you. You charge me with a good mood, positive emotions of a high degree of intensity, – I made a reference to the terms from our lecture and smiled.

      He narrowed his eyes, pretending to look at me critically:

      – Okay, I’m not one of those who take offense, – he finally stopped pretending and winked.

      I beamed, laughed and began to pack my things. Despite the recent injury, which I thought was incompatible with life, my soul was now filled with lightness, I wanted to soar, dance and even sing – the latter happened extremely rarely with my reserved nature. I did not want to work.

      I went outside, turned my face to the cold winter sun and listened to the crunch of freshly fallen snow under my heels.

      The snowflakes shimmered with mother-of-pearl and sparkled – it was the icy calm and peace of nature. They lay and shimmered in the same way hundreds of thousands of years ago, before the arrival of man, and now they calmly cover the asphalt, the roof of the business center and the barbed wire on the fence.

      «It was so nice when we just lived in the wild and were a part of it,» flashed through my mind, and I shook my head, driving away the strange thoughts that again referred to the past, in which I could not live. Or could I? I often caught myself comparing our time with past eras and even analyzing what had become better and what had become worse.

      «What past lives, I can’t even figure out this one!» I grinned with annoyance.

      It seems that today I failed to fit into the sharp turn of fate. Four months ago, it made a sharp turn, bringing Leo and me together with the hands of Eva Schwein. The ice between us began to melt quite recently, but I was not completely sure of this either – Leo looked so cautious that he hid in his shell at the first opportunity.

      Maybe these premonitions and visions are wrong? Since nothing has happened between us in four months, it is stupid to hope for anything further. When we present the project, there will be nothing else connecting us. No matter how hard it is, it is better to let go of something that has not yet really begun.

      If this is fate, then he will come back.

      Chapter 4. Two of Cups, King and Queen

      Everything the anima touches becomes numinous – unconditional, dangerous, taboo, magical. She affords the most convincing reasons for not prying into the unconscious, an occupation that would break down our moral inhibitions and unleash that had better been left unconscious and undisturbed. for life in itself is not good only, it is also bad. Because the anima wants life, she wants both good and bad.

      C. G. Jung. Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious

      Our path is one, Love!

      Merge us into one heart!

      Scarlet, scarlet blood,

      Prophetic, prophetic heart…

      Z. Gippius. 1901

      In just a couple of days, the presentation of our project will take place. How much effort and hope has been put into it! And now, very soon, we, a beautiful couple of young scientists, will go on stage to talk about the fruits of our labor.

      The thoughts of this event were so exciting that I could not fall asleep, tossing and turning in the hard bed. The realization that dozens of eyes would be watching us closely, and that I would again be dangerously close to him, was intoxicating.

      I brewed some herbal tea before going to bed and smiled at my thoughts. I tried to reach the star. It was looming very close – we worked side by side, I could already clearly see how he was starting to get used to me, how his sympathy and interest were awakening and… nothing? And what next? Will the star apparently continue to tremble like a teasing reflection in the puddles?

      Okay, let our performance pass, and then come what may.

      With difficulty giving up the thoughts that were stirring my heart, I gently fell asleep.

      ***

      …I immediately felt how the dream was deeply captivating, drawing me into its world. These were not just bright, but superficial and meaningless pictures, as often happens. That night I acutely felt as if my soul was traveling, flying away to vaguely familiar ancient worlds.

      I felt that I was walking barefoot along a dusty road heated by the sun, and someone was squeezing my hand tightly. It was him… My Leo – in a strange, gray tunic, and most importantly – with a child in his arms. We loved each other, but were deeply unhappy. I felt with my whole body a numbing pain, which happens when something irreversible happens. A feeling of hopelessness and fear that things will never be as before…

      Everything inside was turning over from inexplicable anxiety. In this strength with which he held my hand, one could read stoic bitterness and humility before a heavy burden.

      – Leo? –