The chance to start a new life. How to make a conscious choice. Ida Prem (Turkan Gasimova)

when we are directly pushed out of situations of the comfort zone. But since this painful situation happened, where you were very angry or very offended, take this potential of energy and direct it to something creative. Direct it to change the situation, yourself and your life. And every time you are in a similar situation and feel growing anger, remember that you are no longer a powerless, weak child who does not have the right to your word, to defend your boundaries. Now you have the right to it and this is your chance to take advantage of it. Calmly, without tension, but simply because you have the right to it and you will only be respected and set as an example for this. At least you will respect yourself for sure.

      And at the end of this chapter, a few words for parents of teenagers. Anger, aggression in adolescents is always an absolutely normal attempt by a maturing personality to establish its boundaries, conquer its space, and, finally, push the controlling parents out of its personal space. And this aggression in a teenager is also manifested due to a sense of their own powerlessness, because at this stage of their life they are trying to get out of the state of a powerless child into the state of an adult. And if a parent is smart and wise, then they will not press the children and will not scold them or say: “I don’t need you like that.” You will not push them away, you will allow them to set their own boundaries and you will respect them. In this case, very soon their aggression and anger will pass. They will understand that their boundaries have been accepted, have been seen, and an understanding, trusting, warm relationship with their parents will be restored. But, unfortunately, often parents perceive such a teenage rebellion very wrong and with even more aggression than they themselves, and here an emotional war begins. And as a result, we get a broken relationship, a disgruntled parent, as well as a teenager who has not grown up. We also get an immature person, who then, I hope, will help themselves learn to build their own boundaries. And it doesn’t end there. As a result, this emotionally unexperienced outbursts, not expressed, so to speak, emotions will begin to poison their life. After all, our unconscious is an emotional child who, in fact, expects love and understanding from us.

      Chapter 5. Touchiness

      “Being offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies.”

Nelson Mandela

      Touchiness is an extremely interesting topic. I have already mentioned that, in fact, touchiness is a trait of an emotionally immature person. And when we talk about emotional awareness, age has absolutely no meaning. Because a person can remain in the children’s settings, programs and be immature until the end of their days. In most of my practice of working with psycho-emotional traumas, I can say that resentment go hand in hand and are derivatives of unexperienced emotions that affect life, poisoning life. And these people can live a long life, but at the same time not grow up emotionally, and continue to live in their pain without even suspecting it. And at the same time, you can meet a very young person who will be emotionally consciously mature.

      Also, resentment is one of the basic emotional “columns” on which a negative attitude rests. After all, it is it that prevents you from achieving the success of harmony and inner balance. For the most part, this is the resentment that occurred in childhood in a child and where it experiences this feeling in a stressful situation or, say, in negative conditions for it. And what happens next: the repressed, experienced by it at that moment feeling overwhelms it. At that moment, it is not aware of it, but simply feels it, and then consciousness takes the next step. In order to alleviate, so to speak, suffering, it makes a decision about itself and about the world. Let me analyze this with an example so that it is easy for you to perceive this information. Let’s take one of the common situations so that you can see yourself here. A child is severely restricted in childhood and in case of disobedience, it is severely punished both physically and morally. At this moment, a surge of emotions arises inside it, they simply overwhelm it with a whirlwind. This is both anger at the father or mother and resentment against them. All this fell on the fragile shoulders of a child who did not understand anything. The child is terribly hurt. And the next moment, depending on the situation, its consciousness makes a decision to throw off this burden. It can be “Being silent is safe”, “Expressing your feelings is dangerous.” At this moment, the formation of the installation unequivocally takes place. It’s like a computer program built into your mind and it will work perfectly. And of course, these are the situations and circumstances that a person will have throughout their life. Here I made a small digression, which I am sure will help you understand yourself more and increase your awareness.

      Now let’s take a closer look at what resentment is. You probably know, have known or met in your life people who are offended with or without reason, and most often they don’t even tell you about it, but show resentment with all their appearance. Or maybe you noticed it for yourself. Let’s say if you are a touchy person, then there is reason to wonder why this is happening. Why are we so touchy? I am quite sure that if you notice such a trait in yourself, then most likely it bothers you, you are trying to understand and figure out what to do with it. I don’t mean situational resentment. Any person can be offended situationally, and this is, in principle, a completely normal reaction. When we talk about touchiness, we are talking about a character trait, that is, it is a certain property of a person. Where does touchiness come from? Resentment is still an infantile childhood trait that speaks of emotional unconsciousness. If you pay attention to the behavior of children, you will notice that resentment is a way to get your own, and this is absolutely normal for a child. But note – for a child, not for an adult. When it is small and is in a state of weakness, that is, it does not have enough resources, it does not have enough intelligence, rights and, in general, an understanding of how to build a dialogue with a parent in order to clearly explain that something does not suit it, that then it hurt it. When a child grows up in a family, this is how it tests different ways of influencing the parents. If a child constantly screams and stomps its feet, most likely, it will be scolded for it and banned from doing it. Then, when it begins to take offense, it sees that a miracle is happening, the parents begin to pay attention to its emotions, they begin to ask: “Well, are you offended? Come here, I’ll give you candy.” That is, the child may be offended, go to its room, hide under the covers, and after a while the parents come and begin to regret and persuade and appease it with something. That is, resentment for a child at some stage of life is a way of defending its interests, and thus it concludes that in this way it can get what it wants. This, of course, is such childish manipulation. And if you have children, you know that children are wonderful psychologists and just excellent manipulators. Disharmony occurs only when an adult, already being able to defend their interests, already having the right to get angry, to express their point of view with displeasure, continues to live in this infantile childish emotion – in the emotion of resentment. This is a state of weakness of a healthy person, and it is already so ingrained in the person that they do not even see a causal relationship between the program learned in childhood and the moment when they automatically transferred it to their adult life. This is a very infantile state when a person is not capable, or rather, emotionally unprepared. A person considers themselves small inside and not entitled to defend their interests otherwise. That is, instead of meeting the situation face to face, a person hides in resentment. Agree, it’s very convenient. Because the offended person owes nothing to anyone. Such an advantageous and convenient position for a small child. And besides, there is no need to go into conflict, to somehow waste energy, strength, nerves, because everything is quite comfortable. There is no need to clarify the situation in an adult way, in the process of dialogue. But on the other hand, there is such a convenient escape into offense when you become isolated, and they begin to circle and dance around you, figuratively, in order to understand why you were offended, what happened, and how to appease and earn forgiveness, following the lead of any your desires. Again, I’m not talking about each specific person. Let it be understood by the one who really needs it and it is important to realize it. It is important for us to see ourselves as in a mirror.