The Rubicon. A play in two acts. Maxim Titovets

Lion. Someone’s digging into us.

      Makar. Who?

      Sea Lion. You tell me.

      Makar. Everything comes at a price. We’re bound to pay it some day.

      Sea Lion. Oh, please, give these loads of philosophical garbage to your skirts!

      Makar. There’s rumor going round the village that an officer came to the far mine, asking all about the gold.

      Sea Lion. That nosy dork got mauled to death by a bear yesterday. An accident.

      Makar. Poor little bear.

      Sea Lion. The Siberian forests are vast, there are enough bears for everyone.

      Makar. We’ll deal with the locals but my gut tells me that the digging was initiated in Moscow.

      Sea Lion. Merp.

      Makar. Our gold makes everybody restless. Speaking of which… How much did you get this time?

      Sea Lion puts the travel bag on his desk. Makar opens it and gives a whistle.

      Makar. We’d better beef up security. All kinds of loafers are hanging around here. [He takes the bag by the handles, weighing it, and puts it back on the desk.] Around eight kilos of pure gold.

      Sea Lion. Katzmann advanced the rate.

      Makar. Son of a bitch!

      Sea Lion. We all earn money as best we can. Now’s not the time to pick a fight with him.

      Makar. A la ger com a la ger. I say we bring this huckster to heel later. We’ll get our share of the cake, be sure.

      Sea Lion. They won’t get me. Neither by force nor in any other way. I will use my own teeth to rip out their throats!

      Makar. Tusks.

      Sea Lion. What?

      Makar. You will use your tusks to do that. You are a sea beast, Eumetopias jubatus, Steller’s sea lion!

      Sea Lion. Get out of here.

      Pause.

      Sea Lion. When the rumpus starts, I’ll set up all-round defense. And if it comes to the push, I’m gonna have to lie low. But you know what, Makar?

      Makar. What?

      Sea Lion. My brother. Makar Sergeevich. When the going gets rough… I’ll look around. And if you aren’t here, I’ll know that you’d set off in quest of your fortune and I won’t see you again.

      Pause.

      Sea Lion. And if you are still here, it’ll be clear to me that my beloved brother has only one wish – to be here, with me. And you, Makar, will have to prove that to me in deed every single moment.

      Makar. I won’t betray you, Oleg.

      Sea Lion. Splendid. Good talk. You can go now.

      Makar. Ear to the ground.

      Makar walks towards the door.

      Sea Lion. Makar!

      Makar. What?

      Sea Lion. Put back the money you’ve stolen from the cash register today. Do that again, and I’ll break your fingers.

      Makar. Okay.

      Makar leaves.

      Scene 7

      The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

      Late in the evening, rainstorm outside.

      Andrey is sitting alone at the bar. Polina goes out of Sea Lion’s study, carrying a bucket full of trash. She goes outside, then comes back to the diner, washes her hands, and lays the tables for dinner.

      Polina. So, what happened next?

      Andrey. I checked myself out of the mental ward and got a chance to pay off my debts.

      I walked away with seven tons of iron! I was the only convict. The judge was like: «How did you manage to carry seven tons away?» I was just standing there and then I was like: «Bit by bit, Your Honor.»

      Polina. Seven tons?!

      Andrey.