The Rubicon. A play in two acts. Maxim Titovets

Lion. And who made lunch for you back then – Pushkin?

      Polina. I had even strained my back and spent two days in bed with a fever afterwards.

      Sea Lion. Here we are, minus one and a half. Thirty nine grand in total.

      Polina. [Remaining silent.]

      Sea Lion. Two weeks ago you dropped an entire tray of food for one of our guests. That’s minus four grand. Thirty five in total.

      Polina. But…

      Sea Lion. And by the way, the crockery costs much more than that. But that’s okay, not a big deal. Later on, a bunch of drunken fellows took French leave without paying the bill. That’s another ten grand. You should have watched out for them! And yesterday eight grand went missing from the cash register.

      Polina. I didn’t take it.

      Sea Lion. No one else could do that! Or are you telling me that I did?

      Polina. I’m not.

      Sea Lion. That’s a good girl. Thirty five minus ten and minus eight. It’s seventeen grand then.

      Polina. I only borrowed money once… Three thousand from your wife. She can confirm that. But I have never taken any money from the cash register…

      Sea Lion. Oh yes? You borrowed three thousand from Nadya? I didn’t know about that! Seventeen minus three is… humph…

      Here is your money, Polina. Sign here.

      Polina takes the money, signs her name, and leaves.

      Sea Lion. Piece of cake. Only the strongest survive.

      Polina comes back

      Polina. That last time, you said I’d earn more. I really need money. What should I do?

      Scene 4

      The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

      Makar. What was it like before?

      Stvolov. What?

      Makar. That’s just the point! And now what?

      Stvolov. What?

      Makar. Gee, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!

      Stvolov. Fill it up.

      Makar. And as for mobile service, we’ve never had it here. Dense forests!

      Polina. That’s a hell of a storm outside.

      Makar. The road is washed out now. You won’t be able to get out of here tomorrow, Stvolov.

      Stvolov. I’m virtually born under a lucky star. No wonder I didn’t like the ugly face of that driver.

      Makar. You know what they say here? Whack thy neighbor, punch him hard, jump on his chest. Then you’ll have the edge over the rest.

      Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.

      Nadya. Where do you mean – here? Look at him. Wasted again.

      Makar. By no means…

      Nadya. [To Stvolov.] Your room is on the second floor. Polina will escort you. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel. [Ringing the bell.]

      Polina. We serve breakfast at eight. The bar is open round the clock.

      Stvolov. No flying from fate. Do you have a phone here?

      Nadya. It’s at the entrance.

      Stvolov rises from the table and makes his way towards the phone.

      Stvolov. It’s not working.

      Nadya. They’ve been palming us off with promises to get us a phone line for three years.

      Stvolov. The Rubicon.

      Makar. Rumor is they had to send to the bottom a whole ton of Viagra to get Titanic up.

      Stvolov. Mistress, two more.

      Makar. And a bite to eat!

      Stvolov. And a bite to eat.

      Nadya produces a decanter of vodka. Polina brings it to the table.

      Makar. There was this philosopher who stopped by here.

      Stvolov. A philosopher?

      Makar. Well, something of the sort. He shared an interesting observation with me, in secret. An idea, let’s say.

      Stvolov. An idea?

      Makar. The law of life!

      Stvolov. So?

      Makar. What should a man say to his woman in order to maintain harmony in their relationship? [Casting a sidelong look at Nadya.]

      Stvolov. I don’t know.

      Makar. It’s a simple phrase, just learn it by heart. It goes like this: «I know what it feels like, my darling.»

      Stvolov. Hm…

      Makar. And what should a woman say to her man? On any occasion.

      Stvolov.???

      Makar. «Yes, master!»

      Polina. [Bursting into laughter.] Oh, I’m sorry.

      Makar. Watch and learn, Polina.

      Nadya. Dinner will be ready soon. [She goes to the kitchen.]

      Makar. I’ve had my fill with them!

      Polina. Here, have a bite, Makar Sergeevich. [She serves them some cold snacks, then goes upstairs.]

      Makar. What a bit of good!

      Polina. Yes, master. [She leaves.]

      Stvolov. That’s a hot little number.

      Makar. She fell for me.

      Stvolov. That’s bullshit. Can you get a night with her?

      Makar. Go and ask her yourself.

      Stvolov goes upstairs.

      Scene 5

      The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

      Nadya. That’s some turnout today…

      Makar. And yet our Rubicon’s said to be an armpit. Just look at how many people stay here!

      Nadya. The hotel is full.

      Makar. All the three rooms?

      Pause.

      Nadya. This… drinking companion of yours, Stvolov. Demanding a phone, fancy that! What’s the use of it, one may ask?

      Makar. The whole thing is just money-losing.

      Nadya. I only want to put Katya on her feet. As soon as she graduates, I’ll never set foot in this kennel again. Never!

      There is a loud sound of a bunch of dishes hitting the floor and breaking upstairs.

      Nadya.