Frankissstein. Jeanette Winterson

      Do you like her slingback tennis shoes? Economy doesn’t wear shoes. It’s cute, like that French musical, Les Misérables.

      Speaking French, I don’t know if you’ve ever had sex with a bot – be my guest later – but I tell you there’s none of that Bonjour Tristesse afterwards, and none of that doubt about whether she’s had an orgasm or not. All my girls orgasm when you do.

      Yeah, well spotted, Ryan. She certainly is. Racy is taller than the others. She’s about 5 foot 4 inches – the others are about 5 foot 2 inches. We make them smaller for the Chinese and Asian markets. These are the US and UK models.

      I have thought about doing a supermodel size, but it’s not practical. The only point of a supermodel in real life is to show her off to your mates – I mean, she’s too anorexic for anything else. Won’t eat, won’t drink, won’t, well, you know – they are so picky. My girls are practical – they are built to work – so we keep ’em handy-sized.

      Yeah, it’s true, there are some really small girls on the market – they look like children. I don’t get involved. I got standards.

      You can buy some bots with Family Mode; they can talk about animals, and tell fairy stories, all that stuff, like Emmanuelle Does Disney. I’m strictly Adult. No blurred lines. So, as yet, we’ve got no plans for a travel doll.

      Are you still recording? Good.

      Just behind the screen here is a bed – for display purposes only, so don’t take your shoes off, Ryan. Imagine coming home to this beauty. In fact, I do come home to this beauty. I have a Deluxe for personal use.

      She’s got everything you get with Racy, minus the muscles – I mean, they’re all firm, but smooth and curvy, no weightlifters. Anyway, Deluxe, like the name suggests, has better quality materials all round. And Real Hair.

      Where? On her head, where d’you think? You have slept with women, haven’t you?

      Jesus, no, I wouldn’t put real hair down there! Or any hair, as it happens. You’d have it sopping wet and rotten in no time.

      We ask for double the deposit on this model because of the hair and you have to sign a waiver declaring that you won’t spill booze or smear food, piss, shit or cum in her hair.

      Do they do that kind of thing? Sad but true. I wouldn’t, but some do.

      With nylon hair it doesn’t matter much what you do – and it’s cheap to replace. We rip it right off and we start again. But the good stuff, the real stuff – I mean, I am on the side of the women, I am. Who wants some twat to cum in their real hair?

      Yeah … Horrible.

      Personally, as a woman, even though I’m not, I’d hate it if some random bloke wanted to cum anywhere except the usual place, but I’m a fussy eater. Don’t like yoghurt or custard, or that French one, crème brûlée, or tapioca or white sauce or suet. I don’t really like banana smoothies and I hate almond milk. God, almond milk. Why??? For fuck’s sake! My doctor tried to get me on it. Cholesterol. I said, mate, I’d rather have the heart attack.

      Deluxe has a big vocabulary. About 200 words. Deluxe will listen to what you want to talk about – football, politics or whatever. She waits till you’re finished, of course, no interrupting, even if you waffle a bit, and then she’ll say something interesting.

      What like? Oh, well, something like: Ryan, you’re so clever. Ryan, I hadn’t thought about it like that. Do you know anything about Real Madrid?

      Yeah – that’s what I mean about education. Climate change. Brexit. Football. This model is a companion – and that’s how we’ll forward her career as the technology develops.

      Some men want more than sex. I get that.

      And over to Vintage. I love the two-piece suit and pillbox hat. I got this idea from the retro-porn sites. She’s late to the game but she brings plenty to the party.

      We had a lot of older men asking us for something sexy and young – most old blokes aren’t rich enough to get a real-life version – you need a lotta money for young girl/old man in real life. And let’s face it; men prefer a box of strawberries to a plate of prunes and custard.

      What we offer is fantasy life, not real life.

      Vintage can be ready for you like she’s straight out of the 1950s. Like BBC Calling the World – you wouldn’t believe how well the voice works – we got a newsreader from BBC Radio 4 to do it. Anonymous. Paid her a fortune.

      Or you can have Vintage in a 60s miniskirt and lovebeads, singing I Got You Babe. Her mouth doesn’t move, but if you’re fuckin’ her face off you wouldn’t want it to, would you?

      There’s even a 70s feminist version with no bra, messy hair and a dildo for anal play. Yeah! Clever! She gets to fuck you! No, I haven’t tried it. I do try them all but I didn’t fancy that one. In the office we called her the Germaine. She’s the only one with a name. Have you read that book? My mum told me about it. I started it but it wasn’t what I thought.

      Who rents her? Some masochists. And a few university professors.

      All of these girls come in different skin tones: black, brown or white. Plus, you can have a muff on the Vintage model if that’s what you want. The old porn stars had beavers like candyfloss, and some men liked it. So we can supply with or without, but only for the Vintage model. If you’re not sure if you want fluff in your face, we can include a muff in the package with the correct glue. We do ask customers not to use their own glue. Glue on the wrong side means you get a stick-on beard.

      Do I get mostly old men? Not at all. All ages and stages, Ryan; sex is a democracy. With the old blokes, I see it as a public service. You should write about that. We always offer ten per cent off to the over-sixty-fives, and there’s an extra ten per cent off on Mondays. Not many people want a shag on a Monday.

      Tell you what, though – and this is a bit philosophical, but I am a thinking man – there’s no such thing as underage sex when it’s a bot. I mean, there’s no can’t do it till you’re sixteen or whatever, so we get some schoolkids wanting a try – yeah, boys, ’course it’s boys – and I reckon it’s better than sticking it up some girl who’s dry as sandpaper and doesn’t fancy you.

      Yeah, you can be old, you can be ugly, you can be fat, smelly, you can have an STD, you can be broke. Whether you can’t get it up, or you can’t get it down, there’s an XX-BOT for you.

      Public service. I tell you, it is. Do you think I might get an MBE? Mum would love that.

      Women? What about women? Are you a feminist, Ryan? I’m not, but my mum is, so don’t think we haven’t heard about this back in Wales.

      There are male bots but I don’t bother with them. Why not?

      Anatomy, Ryan. Basic anatomy. You must have done that when you were training to be a doctor.

      Basically a boy-bot is a vibrator with a body attached. He’s like a shop-window mannequin with a dick that doesn’t work. No thrust. He can’t shunt her from behind. She has to sit on him and bounce up and down, very tiring, or joggle him on top of her like she’s blending a milkshake. Also tiring. No fun when you’ve had the bath, the candles, all your favourite love songs on PLAY AGAIN. The things women like to get them in the mood.

      Women prefer a hand-held vibrator. Better control, better delivery, and they can watch TV at the same time. I’ve done the market research. Well, not me personally, my mum does that side of the business. My mum? Oh, very much so. Like I said. Day one.

      And with the boy-bots it’s a question of scale as much as anything. Female bots are petite – even the Swedes like ’em petite – but if you build a boy-bot small it’s a turnoff, like fucking your son, and women don’t get off on that, not many of ’em anyway. Women want a hunk, but if you make your bot hunky, women can’t lug him around. And in a small apartment, when he’s not in use, so to speak, he’s