Frankissstein. Jeanette Winterson

a year, depending on wear and tear. Online you can order spare parts, if any of her gets damaged, or too messy. That’s one way to enjoy an XX-BOT. We also offer trade-ins and upgrades. Very flexible.

      The other way to enjoy an XX-BOT, more modern, to my mind, is rental. And if you rent, you need somewhere to rent her from, right? That’s how I came up with the idea of the franchise that I’m selling here.

      Your XX-BOTs?

      Right, Ryan! Good name?

      Good name, Ron.

      You see, Ryan, renting gives you all the pleasure and none of the problems. Breakages, storage, updating – the technology is changing all the time.

      And most people only buy one bot, for personal use, but what if you’re having a party? With your mates? They’ll all want a try.

      Renting is popular with stag weekends; get half a dozen of the girls in for fun and frolics. Different models too, blonde and busty, brunette and sporty. Whatever. And what if you’re the kind of bloke that only wants a bot when the wife is away? Women aren’t at home all the time like they used to be. I don’t blame them; women aren’t goldfish. They’ve evolved. But, like my mum says, emancipation can be a problem for a man.

      Renting a bot when you’re on your lonesome is safer and cheaper than the human alternative. No diseases, no revenge porn, no getting robbed of your Rolex at 2 a.m. One business lady I know personally, a high-powered lady, she books ahead quarterly.

      What? Yes! That’s what I’m saying, Ryan. She books an XX-BOT for her man. He loves it. He never knows which model he’s going to get. It’s a bond between them. Quite touching, I think, something they do together.

      With a rental, every girl gets hygiene-checked, bathed, perfumed, yeah, you can choose one of four scents – musky, floral, woody or lavender. When you pick her up she’ll be wearing either double-denim like this one – or a simple day dress. You can hire or buy other outfits.

      What? Yeah, just like Barbie. Yeah, I suppose you’re right, it’s a joke, isn’t it, how boys don’t get to play with Barbie till they’re grown up? Haha, I hadn’t thought of that – it’s a thought. I hadn’t thought of it but it’s a thought. My mum will laugh when I tell her. Oh, yeah, my mum is a big part of the business. From day one.

      Anyway, the girls we rent out get time off for education too – we’re always improving their circuit boards. They don’t have a big vocabulary, no; you watch porn, don’t you, so you know it’s not exactly a language-lab? But we’re on it – men do like to communicate. It’s not just ‘Hello, Big Boy’.

      What did you say? At the airport? Funny you should say that because that’s what’s next. I’m looking to go in with some of the car-hire companies – yeah, like Avis – and your car can have your XX-BOT ready and waiting, fully charged, in the passenger seat.

      XX-BOTs make a great travel choice. No nagging about stopping for lunch or needing the toilet. No sulking about the Holiday Inn you’ve booked. She’s next to you, long hair, long legs, you choose the music, beautiful woman in the passenger seat.

      If you want to be a bit more discreet you can fold her up and strap her in the back, or stow her out of sight in the boot or trunk or whatever you call it. We’re not all extroverts.

      Here, look, watch this! See it? Yeah! I’ll do it again. Are you filming this? Watch the movement. So smooth. Legs up and over. Now she’s in half. You’d need to date a bloody stuntwoman to manage that.

      Amazing! Eh, Ryan? Like a Brompton bicycle!

      When driverless cars really take off, the client could get in the back with his XX-BOT and have a much pleasanter journey. Takes all the stress out of travel.

      I’m talking to Uber.

      Yeah. I have based my franchise model on the rent-a-car business. Pick up in one city, drop off in another. And I’ve got five styles of XX-BOTs – including the Economy model here on the couch. She’s the cheapest.

      She’s got nylon hair, so you can get a bit of static, and she whirrs a bit, but she’s a good, straightforward, no-frills, budget fuck.

      See? Three holes all the same size. No! Not in the same place! You have slept with a woman, haven’t you, Ryan? Well, where do you think the holes are? Front. Back. Mouth. Not her nostrils! She’s not a fuckin’ yeti!

      OK! You were making a joke. I get it. Now concentrate – put your finger in there!

      Like it? And they all VI-BRATE! Any hole, any position. Vibrate!

      Nice limb movement too. You can position her how you want. All the girls have an extra-wide splayed-leg position. It’s popular with our clients, especially the fat ones.

      This one can talk too. Limited but adequate voice response – like meeting a girl abroad who doesn’t speak much English.

      Does she have a name, Ron?

      Ron nodded approvingly. That’s a good question, Ryan. And I’ve got a good answer. I made the decision not to give my girls names. No, it’s not like lambs you’ll be eating later, actually it’s like those very fancy paints you can buy – top-end paint – yes, we’ve just redecorated at home – I mean the paints that use numbers, because what a colour means to me won’t be what a colour means to you – and you might be colour-blind anyway. I mean, what the fuck is Moody Blue? Wimborne White? Does Wimborne White sound gay to you? It does to me. And Donkey Brown? Since when was all donkeys the same brown? My dad kept donkeys – yeah – it’s a long story. No need to go into that today. It’s not about me.

      So with the girls, I can call them Volcano, or Autumn or Cheri or whatever, but the customer might want to call his night-bird Julie … So we leave it to the customer to name his bird.

      You’re not meant to call women ‘birds’ nowadays, are you? I always liked it. Sums women up – not in a bad way, don’t get me wrong. Birds … always out of reach. Aren’t they? You think she’s on your arm and then she’s flown.

      And they seem to like worms.

      So, Ryan, back to my Economy model. In motor-vehicle parlance, she’s the cloth-seats and plastic-steering-wheel version. But she gets you from A to B.

      This model only comes in white.

      My sister-in-law’s a lovely black woman from Jamaica and she said to me, she said, Ron! Don’t you dare do an Economy black woman. And I love women, I do, and I thought, yeah, show respect. Also, Bridget would knock the shit out of me.

      Shall we have a look at Cruiser? Over by the window. Right little motor boat, this one. Like the girl next door but dirty. Cruiser’s got the fuller figure. Nicely pneumatic. She’s padded to give a softer feel. Those breasts are like pillows. It was Mum’s idea. She said to me, Ron, some men want to curl up and fall asleep, like they did when they were little boys.

      Feel these! Top-grade silicon nipples. No plastic – like fuckin’ thimbles, plastic nipples. Gotta have some give. That’s the key if you like breasts, and I’m a breast man myself.

      Walk round the back. Go on! I’ll lift the dress. Yes! Thongs. Very popular. Lovely ass with a bit of movement – soft silicon. Bigger battery so we can warm up certain parts of her skin.

      My girls can seem lower-temperature than born and bred girls. All right, they are colder than born and bred. Flesh is flesh. But my girls are not clammy underneath you, like the bloody blow-up things – it was like lying on seaweed. God, I hated blow-up dolls, did you? Might as well wrap your dick in cling film.

      So, Ryan, moving swiftly on. This one here in the tennis outfit bending over to pick up a couple of balls. She’s our Racy model.

      Very tight figure – little waist, double-G-cup – and I tell you what, her tits and her pussy are always warm. It’s the battery plus the thermal layer. Battery life is up to three hours. I mean, men come in about four minutes, so this is generous. You can have a party, pass her around, play a hand