The Greatest Christmas Murder Mysteries & Thrillers. Джером К. Джером

when other resources failed; and was, in fact, ready for anything, from dunning for a bad debt, to cleaning a pair of boots. His master might at times be as fretful as he pleased, and treat him like an infant during occasional fits of crossness — he never replied, and never looked sulky. The only things he could not be got to do, were to abstain from inadvertently knocking everything down that came in his reach, and to improve the action of his arms and legs on the principle of the late Mr Kemble.

      Let us return to the drawing-room, and the breakfast-things. ‘Julius Caesar’, of the creaking boots, came into the room with a small workbox (which he had been secretly engaged in making for some time past) in one hand, and a new muslin cravat in the other. It was Annie’s birthday. The box was a present; the cravat, what the French would call, a homage to the occasion.

      His first proceeding was to drop the workbox, and pick it up again in a great hurry; his second, to go to the looking glass (no such piece of furniture ornamented his loft bedroom), and try to put on the new cravat. He had only half tied it, and was hesitating, utterly helpless, over the bow, when a light step sounded on the floor-cloth outside. Annie came in.

      ‘Julius Caesar at the looking-glass! Oh, good gracious, what can have come to him!’ exclaimed the little girl with a merry laugh.

      How fresh, and blooming, and pretty she looked, as she ran up the next moment; and telling him to stoop, tied his cravat directly — standing on tiptoe. ‘There,’ she cried, ‘now that’s done, what have you got to say to me, sir, on my birthday!’

      ‘I’ve got a box; and I’m so glad it’s your birthday,’ says Julius Caesar, too confused by the suddenness of the cravat-tying to know exactly what he is talking about.

      ‘Oh, what a splendid workbox! how kind of you, to be sure! what care I shall take of it! Come, sir, I suppose I must tell you to give me a kiss after that,’ and, standing on tiptoe again, she held up her fresh rosy cheek to be kissed, with such a pretty mixture of bashfulness, gratitude, and arch enjoyment in her look, that ‘Julius Caesar’, I regret to say, felt inclined then and there to go down upon both his knees and worship her outright.

      Before the decorous reader has time to consider all this very improper, I had better, perhaps, interpose a word, and explain that Annie Wray had promised Martin Blunt, (I give his real name again here, because this is serious business,) yes; had actually promised him that one day she would be his wife. She kept all her promises; but I can tell you she was especially determined to keep this.

      Impossible! exclaims the lady reader. With her good looks she might aspire many degrees above a poor carpenter; besides, how could she possibly care about a great lumpish, awkward fellow, who is ugly, say what you will about his expression?

      I might reply, madam, that our little Annie had looked rather deeper than the skin in choosing her husband; and had found out certain qualities of heart and disposition about this poor carpenter, which made her love — aye, and respect and admire him too. But I prefer asking you a question, by way of answer. Did you never meet with any individuals of your own sex, lovely, romantic, magnificent young women, who have fairly stupefied the whole circle of their relatives and friends by marrying particularly short, scrubby, matter-of-fact, middle-aged men, showing, too, every symptom of fondness for them into the bargain? I fancy you must have seen such cases as I have mentioned; and, when you can explain them to my satisfaction, I shall be happy to explain the anomalous engagement of little Annie to yours.

      In the meantime it may be well to relate, that this odd love affair was only once hinted at to Mr Wray. The old man flew into a frantic passion directly; and threatened dire extremities if the thing was ever thought of more. Lonely, and bereaved of all other ties, as he was, he had, in regard to his granddaughter, that jealousy of other people loving her, which is of all weaknesses, in such cases as his, the most pardonable and the most pure. If a duke had asked for Annie in marriage, I doubt very much whether Mr Wray would have let him have her, except upon the understanding that they were all to live together.

      Under these circumstances, the engagement was never hinted at again. Annie told her lover they must wait, and be patient, and remain as brother and sister to one another, till better chances and better times came. And ‘Julius Caesar’ listened, and strictly obeyed. He was a good deal like a large, faithful dog to his little betrothed: he loved her, watched over her, guarded her, with his whole heart and strength; only asking in return, the privilege of fulfilling her slightest wish.

      Well; this kiss, about which I have been digressing so long, was fortunately just over, when another footstep sounded outside; the door opened; and — yes! we have got him at last, in his own proper person! Enter Mr Reuben Wray!

      Age has given him a stoop, which he tries to conceal, but cannot. His cheeks are hollow; his face is seamed with wrinkles, the work not only of time, but of trial, too. Still, there is vitality of mind, courage of heart about the old man, even yet. His look has not lost all its animation, nor his smile its warmth. There is the true Kemble walk, and the true Kemble carriage of the head for you, if you like! — there is the secondhand tragic grandeur and propriety, which the unfortunate ‘Julius Caesar’ daily contemplates, yet cannot even faintly copy! Look at his dress, again. Threadbare as it is (patched, I am afraid, in some places), there is not a speck of dust on it, and what little hair is left on his bald head is as carefully brushed as if he rejoiced in the love-locks of Absalom himself. No! though misfortune, and disappointment, and grief, and heavy-handed penury have all been assailing him ruthlessly enough for more than half a century, they have not got the brave old fellow down yet! At seventy years of age he is still on his legs in the prize-ring of Life; badly punished all over (as the pugilists say), but determined to win the fight to the last!

      ‘Many happy returns of the day, my love,’ says old Reuben, going up to Annie, and kissing her. ‘This is the twentieth birthday of yours I’ve lived to see. Thank God for that!’

      ‘Look at my present, grandfather,’ cries the little girl, proudly showing her workbox. ‘Can you guess who made it?’

      ‘You are a good fellow, Julius Caesar!’ exclaims Mr Wray, guessing directly. ‘Good morning; shake hands.’ — (Then, in a lower voice to Annie) — ’Has he broken anything in particular, since he’s been up?’ ‘No!’ ‘I’m very glad to hear it. Julius Caesar, let me offer you a pinch of snuff,’ and here he pulled out his box quite in the Kemble style. He had his natural manner, and his Kemble manner. The first only appeared when anything greatly pleased or affected him — the second was for those ordinary occasions when he had time to remember that he was a teacher of elocution, and a pupil of the English Roscius.

      ‘Thank ye, kindly, sir,’ said the gratified carpenter, cautiously advancing his huge finger and thumb towards the offered box.

      ‘Stop!’ cried old Wray, suddenly withdrawing it. He always lectured to Julius Caesar on elocution when he had nobody else to teach, just to keep his hand in. ‘Stop! that won’t do. In the first place, “Thank ye, kindly, sir”, though goodhumoured, is grossly inelegant. “Sir, I am obliged to you”, is the proper phrase — mind you sound the i in obliged — never say obleeged, as some people do; and remember, what I am now telling you, Mr Kemble once said to the Prince Regent! The next hint I have to give is this — never take your pinch of snuff with your right hand finger and thumb; it should be always the left. Perhaps you would like to know why?’

      ‘Yes, please, sir,’ says the admiring disciple, very humbly.

      ‘ “Yes, if you please, sir,” would have been better; but let that pass as a small error. — And now, I will tell you why, in an anecdote. Matthews was one day mimicking Mr Kemble to his face, in Penruddock — the great scene where he stops to take a pinch of snuff. “Very good, Matthews; very like me,” says Mr Kemble complacently, when Matthews had done; “but you have made one great mistake.” “What’s that?” cries Matthews sharply. “My friend, you have not represented me taking snuff like a gentleman: now, I always do. You took your pinch, in imitating my Penruddock, with your right hand: I use my left — a gentleman invariably does, because then he has his right hand always clean from tobacco to give to his friend!” — There! remember that: and now you may take your pinch.’