Leg over Leg. Ahmad Faris al-Shidyaq

were it not for Moses, there would be no Old Testament. Were it not for a woman, Joshua would not have been able to enter the Promised Land and take possession of it.⁷¹ Were it not for a woman, Abraham would not have found favor with the King of Egypt and obtained from him gifts and presents, thus preparing the way for the descent of the Jews into Egypt after him.⁷² Were it not for a woman, David would not have been saved from the hand of Saul when he decided in his breast to kill him, which was achieved by his placing an image in his bed,⁷³ and were it not for David, there would be no psalms. Nay more, were it not for a woman, meaning the wife of Nabal,⁷⁴ David would not have prevailed over his enemies. Were it not for Bathsheba’s stratagem against David, ⁷⁵ Solomon would not have made his son king and the temple of God would not have been built in Jerusalem. Were it not for a woman, Jesus would not have been born and the news of his resurrection would not have been broadcast. Were it not for a woman, the Anglican sect would not be doing as well as it is today.⁷⁶ Furthermore, your painters depict angels in the form of women and your poets never cease writing poems to women, without which no poet would ever shine.”

      4.5.5

      قال اِن اراك الا هائجا على النسآ وكانّ العرب كلهم على هذه الصفة * قال نعم انا راموزهم وقِطاطهم وكل من ينطق بالضاد يكلف بالضأد * فاطرق مليّا ثم قال لعلكم ارشد ممن عدل الى الميم * فقد بلغنى ان فى بلادكم قوما ميميّين يعدلون عن سوآ السبيل الى مضايق ذميمة وهو اقبح ما يكون * واقبح من ذلك ان بعض المولفين من العرب قد الّفوا فى ذلك كتبا وتمحّلوا لايراد ادلّة على تفضيل الحرفة الميمية * قال نعم ومن جملتها كتاب عثرت به فى خزانة كتب كمبريج ورايت مكتوبا عليه عنوانه بالانكليزية كتاب فى حقوق الزواج * فكانّ شاريه لم يفهم مضمونه * ومن اسخف ما ورد من الادلة على ذلك قول بعضهم

انا لست اجزم باللواط ولا الزنا	لكن اقول مقال من قد حررا
ان اللذاذة كلها فى اقذر ال‍	‍جارَين فاختر ان عرفت الاقذرا

      وسبب تاليف هذه الكتب من مثل هولآ العتاولة امّا للعنّينية فان النسا يعرضن عمّن يبتلى بذلك * او للبخل لان النفقة على المراة اكثر * او لقصر اليد عن هصرهن او لفساد آخر * اما سليم الطبع فلا يميل عن هذا المذهب اصلا *

      “As far as I can see,” said the other, “you are merely lusting after a woman—a trait, it seems, that is common to all Arabs.” “Indeed,” he replied, “I am their epitome and pattern, and every man who utters the ḍād has a weakness for the ḍaʾd.”⁷⁷ The man hung his head for a moment, then said, “You may be wiser than those who deviate toward the mīm,⁷⁸ for I have heard that there are many mīm-ists, who abandon the broad highway in favor of ignoble back alleys, which is the ugliest thing imaginable. Uglier still, though, is the fact that certain Arab authors have composed books on the subject and deceitfully sought to present arguments that the mīm-ist craft is the better.” “That is so,” said the Fāriyāq. “Among them is a book I came across in the Cambridge library on which I found written in English the title A Book on the Laws of Marriage, the one who bought it seemingly having failed to grasp its contents. One of the most scurrilous arguments made in support of such things is the words of a certain poet who said

      I make no final decision between buggery and mainstream fornication—

      I merely follow the words of those who’ve written,

      ‘Gratification all lies in the dirtier of the two neighbors,

      So choose, if you can, the more beshitten.’

      “The reason why the likes of these woman-shy authors wrote such books is either their impotence, for women will have nothing to do with anyone who is so afflicted, or their stinginess, because women are more expensive to maintain, or their lack of the means to attract them, or some other defect. Those of sound makeup, however, never leave the straight path in the first place.”

      4.5.6

      ثم ان الفارياق لبث عند صاحبه مدة فى خلالها اُدب الى مآدب فاخرة عند بعض الاعيان * ومن عادتهم فى الولائم ان تقعد النسآ على المائدة مكشوفات الاذرع والصدور بحيث يمكن للناظر ان يرى المفاهر واللَّبان والبادلة والبَهْو * واذا تطالل واشرابّ وكان حسن الاهطاع راى اللَعْوة ايضا اى آية الحلم * وهى من جملة العادات التى تحمد من وجه وتذم من وجه آخر * حيث كان هذا الكشف مطّردا للصبايا والعجائز بل العجائز عند الافرنج ولا سيما الانكليز يكتشفن ويتفتّين ويتعيّلن اكثر من الصبايا * ثم قلّت الدعوات وكثر قلق الفارياق لان من نظر الى سحنته مرة لم يرد ان ينظر اليها مرة اخرى * فراى الرجوع الى كمبريج اوفق * فسافر اليها فوجد القبب قد رَبَت نحو ثلثة قراريط * وذلك اما لبعد عهده بها او لكون زيادة قرصة البرد اوجبت ذلك *

      The Fāriyāq stayed at his friend’s house for a while, during which he was invited to splendid banquets in the homes of certain notables. It is customary at their banquets for the women to sit at the table with their arms and breasts exposed, so that the observer can see the flesh of their chests, their bosoms, their breasts, and their cleavages, and if he stretches his neck and cranes his head and is good at holding his head steady, he can see the dark ring around their nipples (ah, what a dream!). It’s one of those customs that is to be praised from one perspective and condemned from another, in that this exposure is a general rule for both young and old; indeed, the old women of the Franks, and especially the English, uncover themselves more and put on more youthful airs than do the young girls. Then the invitations became fewer and the Fāriyāq’s disquiet grew stronger, since no one who had looked on his countenance once wanted to look on it a second time, and he decided it was better to return to Cambridge. When he arrived there, he found that that the “domes” had grown by some three inches, this being due either to his having been so long away from them or because the more bitter cold required that.⁷⁹

      4.5.7