Brains Confounded by the Ode of Abū Shādūf Expounded, with Risible Rhymes. Yūsuf al-Shirbīnī

beard was long because he groomed it frequently with chicken fat and linseed oil and combed it and tended its hairs and so on; however, when he grew old and his fortunes changed and care and sorrows overtook him, it became less commode-ious⁶ because of his eating dirt and nits and so on. In other words, it grew long at first and then later it grew wide, with the result that its width rendered its length odious, and, as such, there is no contradiction between the two versions. As the poet says:

      A beard grew long and got quite nasty,

      So that its length became quite odious.

      They cut it short and it got much nicer,

      When its length was less commode-ious.

      10.4

      Some say that it is sign of a lack of brains when a man’s head is small and his beard long, and if his name is Yaḥyā as well, he hasn’t a hope of brains at all; and the proverb says, “Long beard, little brain.” Thus it came about that a man had a friend with a long beard who was a teacher of young children.⁷ On one occasion, after he had failed to see him for some days, the man asked after his friend and was told, “He has shut himself up in his house to grieve.” The man thought that he must have lost a child or one of his relatives, so he went to see him and found him grief-stricken and weeping and wailing. “My brother,” said the first, “may God make great your recompense and make good your consolation and have mercy on the departed! Every soul must taste death!” “Think you that one of mine has died?” said the other. “What then?” said the first. “Know,” said the shaykh, “that I was sitting one day when I heard a man recite the following verses:

      O Umm ʿAmr, God reward you well,

      Give me back my heart, wherever it may be!⁸

      Don’t take my heart to make of it your toy—

      How can a girl with a young man’s heart make free?

      “—so I said to myself, ‘Were not this Umm ʿAmr one of the best and most beautiful of people, these verses would not have been said of her!’ and I fell madly in love with her and shut myself away with her love. Then one day I sat for a while and I heard someone say:

      When the donkey went off with Umm ʿAmr,

      She never came back, and neither did the donkey

      “—so I thought, ‘If Umm ʿAmr were not dead, they would not have made up this verse about her’ and I was overcome with grief and afflicted by sorrow.” This made his friend realize how stupid the man was and he left him and went his way.

      10.5

      And the story is told that one extremely cold day a certain person was going along when he saw a man with a small head and long beard wearing nothing but a shift and shivering from the cold. Noticing that the man had a white woolen mantle folded under his arm, he asked him, “Why don’t you put on the mantle to protect yourself from the cold?” The man replied, “I’m afraid that the rain will get on it and make it wet, and then it won’t be lovely and new-looking anymore.” This made the man realize how stupid he was and he left him and went his way.

      10.6

      The finest beard is middling, with hairs of even length, neither long nor short. If it be said, “Pharaoh’s beard was longer than he was tall, by one or two spans, or so it is reported, and even so he was wise and full of insight,” we respond, “The explanation is that the Almighty gave him three miraculous signs, one of them being the length of his beard, which was also green and the like of which was vouchsafed to no other of his sort. He also had a steed that placed its front foot at the farthest point that it could see and raised its hind legs when it ascended and its front legs when it descended. Or it may be said that, even though he possessed extraordinary knowledge, he was effectively bereft of intelligence because he claimed to be divine and perpetrated heinous acts and so on. Thus what we have said is correct as stated above. End.”

      10.7

      It is said that the most quick-witted and devilishly clever of men are those who have no beard at all. Anyone associating with them must be on guard, because of their great intelligence, breadth of knowledge, and finesse. Thus it happened that a certain king once asked his minister, “Who are the most devilishly clever and quick-witted of men?” and the minister answered, “Those who have no beard.” “I want you,” said the king, “to demonstrate the truth of that for me.” Said the minister, “You must prepare some food and make spoons for the food, each spoon three cubits in length, and order people to come and eat. When the people have come and sat down, order them to eat with nothing but those spoons and tell them that no one may touch the spoon except by the handle and that he may eat in no other way. Then watch what happens.” The king did as the minister instructed him, and the people came for the food. When they sat down, he ordered that they eat only with the spoons and told them that no one should touch any part of the spoon but the handle, as described. They wanted to eat but could not, and they wanted to leave, but the king stopped them and ordered them to sit. One of them would fill the spoon and try to put what was in it in his mouth, but it would miss his mouth and stick out over his shoulder, and no one knew what to do. While they were thus engaged, a man with no beard entered. “How is it that you are not eating the food?” he asked, so they told him the problem. “That’s easy,” he said, “I will show you a stratagem that will allow you to eat without disobeying the king’s command: each one of you will feed the man sitting opposite him, and that man likewise will feed the one who feeds him. That way you will eat your fill with the spoons as they are.” So this man started feeding morsels to that one and likewise that man to this one till all had eaten their fill. The king was amazed at the beardless man’s stratagem and the force of his cunning and his great insight and ordered that he be given a gift and bestowed a robe of honor on the minister.

      10.8

      And once a beardless man stood before a certain king and brought a complaint against an opponent. The king said to him, “I am amazed at your complaint. After all, you are beardless, and no one should be able to get the better of you.” “Pardon, O king,” replied the man, “but my face has the odd hair, while my opponent is completely smooth, without a single hair on his face!” The king laughed and gave the man his due against his opponent and ordered that he be given a gift.

THE ORIGINS OF HIS GOOD FORTUNE IN HIS EARLY DAYS AND HOW FATE CAME TO TURN AGAINST HIM

      10.9

      As for the origins of the poet’s good fortune in his early days and how fate came to turn against him, accounts differ. One says that, when he was grown and had reached ten years of age, he was strong, lusty, and well versed in pasturing flocks, gamboling in fields, and walking barefoot and naked in the heat, and that he would haul wet manure on his head from the field to his house in the shortest time imaginable, so that the liquid released would run over his face, and from this, if he ever got thirsty, he would drink; and sometimes what ran down from it would cover the rest of his body, as is typically the case among country boys. And he would go for a month or even two without giving his face a wash, unless he should happen to get doused in urine by a calf or a cow as he was on his way to or from the fields, in which case he would rub it in with his hand, using it in place of water to wash his face. Despite this fatuous cleanliness, he never passed up an opportunity to beat up the other children, play ball around the village quarters, gambol on the dung heaps and threshing floors, play at dārah and on the drums and zummārah, making a tumult and wild sounds, and beating the hounds, and other crud and crap, to the point that he was the one among his companions who knew best how to make two days of every one and of every month two. As the Bard of the Two Villages⁹ put it:

      10.9.1

      Abū Shādūf from day one’s been cocky—

      Like a puppy he bounces all over

      And goes to Abū Maʿrah’s field and gathers

      Fresh dung on a platter.

      He’ll be naked, with a load on his head,

      And his face like the face of an ogre,

      And