Driven To Distraction. Tina Wainscott

the canned-food party, no casseroles.”

      Barrett realized he was paying way too much attention to her mouth and shifted his gaze to her eyes. Chocolate syrup eyes. He loved chocolate syrup. “Canned-food party?”

      Stacy sauntered into the kitchen and opened the oven door. She quickly closed it with a grimace. “We’re having one this Saturday at lunch. Granny started the monthly potluck parties to foster community spirit. So, do you want to know why you’re in trouble or not?”

      He could think of a few reasons, like his preoccupation with her mouth and her spandex. “Maybe you’d better tell me.”

      “The women around here seem to think you need a lady in your life.”

      He surveyed her, from the way the tip of her ear peeked out of her brown hair down the skintight workout outfit and her sneakers with the little red balls at the ends of the laces. “Tree snails,” he said. “I mean, I have to study the tree snails.”

      “Do you have a girlfriend?”

      “Definitely not.”

      She was tracing her finger along the edge of a plate, following the curves of the flowers. “Is the reason you’re afraid—don’t feel comfortable with romance because of your parents?”

      His eyebrows furrowed. “How did you know about—”

      “There are no secrets in Sunset City.”

      “That’s right, you did mention that. That’s not the singular reason, though it was painful to watch them try to communicate. I just haven’t met a woman who makes me want to understand…well, women. And relationships. I’ve come to the conclusion that I never will. The women I work with share my interests but don’t inspire me. Whenever I’m physically attracted to a woman outside my peer group, I tend to send her into sporadic boredom when I talk about my work. I have, in fact, sent you into a near comatose state twice already.”

      She waved that away. “But only for a few seconds. Otherwise, I’ve been quite aroused—aware—I haven’t been bored,” she finished quickly.

      He found himself smiling at the news that he hadn’t bored her. “I’m glad I’ve aroused you.”

      She started coughing, then cleared her throat. “So, any moment now a flock of women is going to descend on you. They think you need a woman in your life. And they also think they know best. We need a game plan, a defensive position.”

      He cleared enough of the paperwork off the table to set down plates. “Defensive?”

      “Football speak. Go Miami Dolphins! I don’t suppose you…” She shook her head. “Nah, you don’t look like much of a football fan.”

      “I’ve seen fans in hotel lounges before, groaning and yelling at the players on the television. It seems like a lot of energy to expend on something you can’t influence.”

      “But it’s fun.”

      “They seem to be in agony.”

      “Well, yeah, but we’re also in ecstasy. When a running back sweeps around the end, breaking beastly tackles along the way to the end zone. When a wide receiver catches a pass while he’s sprinting down the sidelines and beats the last tackle, he’s going for the touchdown, he’s going for the touchdown…and score!” She blinked. “Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a good pass. Ah, so, anyway, we need a defensive position. What you need is a girlfriend.”

      “But I thought the whole point was that I don’t need a girlfriend.”

      “Ah, but the point is you need a fake girlfriend. If they think you’re otherwise engaged, they’ll leave you alone so you can get your project done. I’m willing to step in and help you out.”

      “You’d do that for me?”

      “Sure.”

      “That’s awfully nice of you.”

      “I’m a nice person. And I know how important your project is.”

      The prospect had him smiling for some reason. It must be because he’d get some peace and quiet. “Thank you.”

      The oven timer dinged, and he took out the steaming casserole dish and set it on a hot pad on the counter. She poured two glasses of water. Then she spooned a bit of the casserole onto a smaller plate and set it on the floor.

      “Here you go, Weasel Boy.”

      “So he’s staying the night with you?” he asked as he scooped the aromatic food onto their plates.

      She batted her eyelashes at him. “Unless you’d like to keep him.”

      “Er, no.”

      She pointed to the dog, who had already slurped up the food and was sitting next to Barrett’s bare feet. “You can’t tell me you’re afraid of that?”

      “I’m not afraid.”

      “All right, you can’t tell me you’re uncomfortable with that harmless little thing.”

      “A dog isn’t an option. I’m off on research trips, sometimes for a year or more at a time. My next project is working with the Wildlife Conservation Society in the Madidi National Park in Bolivia for two years.”

      Elmo laid his chin on Barrett’s foot but never moved his buggy-eyed gaze from him. He let out a throaty sigh.

      “He’s small. He could go with you. Having a dog is a lot easier than having a girlfriend,” she said. “Even a smart girlfriend.”

      “That’s another thing. I’ve never had an actual girlfriend before. Observing it has always been enough for me. ‘I’m fine,’ she says, but sounds angry. He accepts this as fact, and then she blows. Or she gets mad because he’s forgotten the anniversary of their first kiss. We won’t have to do any of that, will we?”

      “Uh, no.”

      “Good. Tell me what’s involved.”

      Her forkful of Tater Tots paused midway to her mouth. “The truth is…I haven’t really had a boyfriend before, either. I mean, I’ve dated guys, of course, but no one long enough to be legally considered a boyfriend.” She ate the casserole and washed it down with water.

      “I’d think you would have had a lot of boyfriends.”

      “Really?”

      “You have nice attributes.”

      She blinked. “Thanks. I think.”

      “So why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

      She speared a Tater Tot covered in cream gravy and studied it. “I don’t get to meet a lot of men my age here in Sunset City, as you can imagine. Some of the men I meet, well, they’re not comfortable with where I live. One guy had a phobia about older people. He wouldn’t even drive into the community to pick me up. He made me walk to the entrance. And the others…well, maybe they all had phobias about older people. As soon as I brought them here, they disappeared. Poof.”

      “Spontaneous combustion?”

      “No, nothing as exciting as that.” She gave a sigh that sounded a bit like Elmo’s, only not so throaty. “It was usually preempted by some lame excuse.”

      Before he could contemplate that, the doorbell rang.

      “Uh-oh. The offense is moving in.” She shoved away her plate and smoothed her hair. “We’re on.”

      “Wait a minute. What am I supposed to do?”

      She glanced at Weasel Boy. “See how he looks at you in that adoring I-can’t-live-without-you way? Take his lead.”

      5

      BARRETT TILTED his head and looked at Stacy.