The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection. Lauren Child

      A total yawn

      THURSDAY CAME AND IT STARTED WELL – that is to say, the sun came up. But things went downhill from there.

      First of all, Ruby was woken early by Consuela.

      ‘Hey Ruby, get up. Your new bed has arrived.’

      ‘I have a bed, I’m in it,’ muttered Ruby. She had the covers pulled up to her nose and an eye mask, printed with the words, wake only in case of emergency.

      Consuela lifted the mask. ‘Well, your mother has bought you a whole bedroom set so you better snap to it senorita.’

      Ruby pulled the covers over her face. ‘Tell her I like it the way it is. I like the space, it’s very Zen, you know what I’m saying?’

      ‘Well, you can discuss it with her yourself, I’m not interested – but furniture or no furniture she wants you out of here,’ said Consuela.

      ‘As far as I am aware,’ said Ruby confidently, ‘today is Twinford Blossom Day and that means a local holiday which means I get to stay in bed.’

      ‘Not today missy,’ said Consuela, tapping her foot. ‘Today you have lunch with the Humberts.’

      Slowly Ruby peeled the sheet from her face. ‘You are not serious?’

      Consuela who was standing with her hands firmly on her hips nodded. ‘Sorry to ruin your Thursday but you better get dressed missy – rapido.’

      Ruby was missing Mrs Digby. She would at least have looked sympathetic.

      The thing was, Brant Redfort was a stickler for manners and the very thought that anyone might feel in any way snubbed by a member of the Redfort family made him shudder. There were no two ways about it – she would have to go.

      ‘Hey, has my jacket been mended yet?’ asked Ruby.

      ‘No, Hitch sent it away,’ said Consuela.

      ‘Sent it away where?’ asked Ruby.

      ‘To the place that’s cleaning your mother’s jacket – Clean and Crisp or something – he says it’s the best for repairs.’

      Darn it, thought Ruby, that watch sure would come in handy on a boring day like today – hey, I might even have been able to abseil out of there.

      Ruby picked up a T-shirt from the floor – it bore the slogan what a total yawn.

      Consuela clicked her tongue. ‘You wear that, young lady, and your mom’s gonna freak.’

      ‘Yeah, you got that right,’ said Ruby, throwing it back into the closet.

      When the Redforts arrived at the Humbert’s impressive home, they were greeted enthusiastically. ‘How wonderful that you all could come,’ and ‘oh Ruby you look just darling in that dress!’ and ‘Quent’s just dying to show you his new magic trick.’

      The Humberts were really very nice people – it was just, well, they were also kinda boring.

      Quent had invited a few of his friends over and Ruby found herself sitting at what was quaintly referred to as the “kids table”. If that wasn’t insulting enough then the level of conversation she had to endure during lunch was the final slap in the face.

      ‘Hey Ruby, can you do this?’ Quent was holding his thumb in front of Ruby’s face and was bending it back and forth to show her how it could go in either direction. ‘It’s double-jointed! Isn’t that neat?’

      ‘Neat!’ said Ruby in an overly bright tone which anyone but Quent might regard as “sarcasm”.

      Ruby strained to hear what was being discussed next door in the dining room. ‘Freddie has had had quite the week, haven’t you dear?’ said Marjorie Humbert.

      ‘I’ll bet he has,’ said Brant, ‘this gold delivery must be big news for your team at the bank?’

      ‘Oh it’s big news all right but what I haven’t told you – and I say this confidentially just between us,’ said Freddie Humbert, reducing the volume of his voice to a loud dramatic whisper, ‘is that we have a threat to the bank’s security!’

      ‘Oh my good gracious – can this be true?’ cried Sabina. ‘I heard that Twinford Bank has the safest safe in the whole of the entire country?’

      ‘And so it has!’ boomed Freddie. ‘But even so it has recently come to light that there is a sophisticated plot to rob the Twinford City Gold the very night after it arrives from Switzerland.’

      Brant was astonished. ‘No wonder you have been so on edge – I haven’t seen you on the golf course in days!’

      ‘He’s been so busy,’ exclaimed Marjorie.

      ‘But how could anyone possibly find their way into the bank vaults? I thought they were designed like an actual maze,’ said Sabina.

      ‘That’s true,’ assured Freddie, ‘navigating your way through the basement is the first problem any would-be bank robber will encounter and that’s before they even get to the safe.’

      ‘I know all about that Freddie,’ said Dr Gonzales, the museum curator. ‘The museum basement was designed by the very same architect, Jeremiah Stiles, and is almost identical to yours. Great idea to have a maze leading to your bank vaults but not so good if you are trying to locate antiquities in a museum!’

      ‘Makes the buildings pretty impenetrable though,’ said Freddie Humbert. ‘You have to know the passageways like the back of your hand.’

      ‘They don’t stand a chance,’ said Marjorie earnestly, ‘not with the security team Freddie has lined up.’

      ‘Sounds like you could do with some of the experts we have had working on the museum security,’ said Dr Gonzales, competitively. ‘We have gone very high technology.’

      ‘Yes, that whole Buddha rising through the floor thing – that is impressive,’ agreed Freddie.

      ‘Not to forget the amazing display cylinder,’ said Dr Gonzales, proudly.

      ‘Well that’s not so impressive – it’s just glass,’ scoffed Freddie, ‘one knock and it’s in pieces.’

      ‘Not just glass, unbreakable glass,’ corrected the curator. ‘And it comes with a unique locking device which will be delivered to me and me alone on the night.’

      ‘How exciting,’ said Sabina, who was just about on the edge of her seat.

      To Sabina, the Jade Buddha seemed a whole lot more thrilling than all that dreary old gold.

      ‘Well,’ grunted Freddie Humbert, ‘I can assure you, it is nothing compared to the City Bank’s security – no one will be breaking in, not if I have anything to do with it. Safest safe in the USA, I promise you that.’

      It ought to be, thought Ruby, with the whole of Spectrum working to keep it that way.

      ‘So how about it Ruby? Ruby?’ Ruby felt a tug on her arm.

      ‘Huh?’ said Ruby. Quent was pulling at her sleeve, trying to get her attention.

      ‘You up for a game of sardines?’

      Oh boy, thought Ruby. Five eager faces were looking at her. ‘Yeah. Sure I do – nothing I’d like more.’

      ‘All right!’ shouted Quent triumphantly. ‘You wanna hide first?’

      ‘Nah it’s OK, you hide Quent, we can all split up and find you.’

      ‘You don’t want to team up?’ asked one of the other kids.

      ‘Nah, I’m better on my own – focuses the mind if you know what I mean. Why don’t you guys team up and I’ll go solo.’ She had her notebook with her and a list