The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection. Lauren Child

be planning a party if she was real sick. Planning a party would be the last thing she would be thinking about – don’t you agree?’ Clancy said this casually.

      ‘Well, yeah you’re right, it’s my mom’s Mom – poor thing, she’s been pretty sick but I reckon she’ll pull through, she’s a tough old bird.’

      ‘Mm, she must be,’ agreed Clancy.

      Ruby gabbled on about her grandmother until Clancy finally interrupted.

      ‘Rube, this is me you’re talking to, Clancy Crew, remember? Your best buddy? And I hate to break it to you this way but your grandmother on your mother’s side, she isn’t sick – she’s dead!’

      ‘Aw, now come on Clance, that ain’t nice. You don’t wanna break bad news like that!’

      ‘Ruby, what is going on? First you tell me all that stuff about the butler who plainly isn’t a butler and then this stuff about phone calls and codes and now, zip, nothing – like you just made it all up.’

      ‘Yeah well maybe I did,’ said Ruby.

      ‘Yeah? That sounds likely! I can’t believe I was actually worried about you, when all you are doing is lying your head off. And by the way, for your information, you might as well tell me what’s going on ’cause if you don’t – you know I’m gonna find out.’

      Ruby thought about this for just a minute and knew it to be true. But what she said was, ‘Look, I think I can hear my mom calling, I gotta go.’

      ‘You can lie to yourself, Ruby Redfort, but you can’t lie to me,’ said Clancy as he slammed the receiver down.

      Yeah, you got that right. Pulling on her boots she grabbed her jacket and left the house. Bug followed.

      ‘Hey Rube’ said Elliot, ‘Where’ve you been?’

      ‘Oh, my grandmother… she’s sick,’ said Ruby.

      ‘Sorry to hear that,’ said Elliot. ‘She gonna be OK?’

      ‘I guess there’s no way of knowing.’

      Elliot looked at the ground and kicked an old tennis ball that was lying by the kerb, then he looked up and said, ‘Hey, who’s that guy I keep seeing driving your mom around?’

      ‘Oh, you mean Hitch, he’s our new butler,’ replied Ruby.

      ‘Your butler?’ spluttered Elliot. ‘You have a butler?’

      ‘Well, house manager – I call him a butler but he’s a house manager.’ Ruby was kicking herself – why did she have to go and say butler?

      Elliot obviously thought this was the funniest thing he had ever heard. ‘Butler!’ he repeated, ‘butler!’ He was laughing so hard that he no longer seemed to be able to hold himself up – his spine seemed to concertina. Tears were rolling down his face.

      Mouse Huxtable came round the corner. ‘Hey, what’s so funny?’

      ‘Nothing,’ scowled Ruby.

      Mouse looked at Elliot. ‘Do you think his head will fall off?’

      ‘It’s hard to say,’ replied Ruby. ‘It never has before.’

      This scene wasn’t unusual. Elliot was prone to terrible giggling fits. At the most inappropriate moment he would break out into uncontrolled, often silent laughter, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his cheeks. The worst thing about it was that Elliot had a very infectious laugh and it was hard not to get caught up in it once he got going.

      But this time, Ruby did not want to see the funny side.

      ‘Give me a break bozo – funnier things have happened.’ But Elliot did not seem to think so.

      Ruby felt the corners of her mouth twitch – she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction so instead she said, ‘Come on Mouse, let’s go and get a fruit shake.’

      The two girls and the dog left Elliot on the sidewalk and made their way across the road to the fruit bar, Cherry Cup. Ruby liked the fruit shakes here because they had an unlimited choice of both the interesting and the more pedestrian fruit. The owner, Cherry, was a man in his late fifties – five years ago he had thrown in his job selling insurance and opened this place. Now he was just happy to be liquidising fruit, any combination, however unlikely. If anyone ever asked him how he was, he would reply, ‘not too shabby,’ meaning, pretty darn good.

      ‘So where’ve you been Rube?’ asked Mouse.

      ‘My grandmother has been sick,’ said Ruby.

      ‘Really? How bad is she?’

      ‘Tragically bad,’ replied Ruby in a hushed voice.

      ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Mouse. ‘What hospital’s she in?’

      Ruby looked down at the floor. ‘Uh, one in New York – I’ve sorta been flying back and forth.’

      Another lie, she thought.

      Mouse took Ruby’s unease as a signal that she no longer wanted to talk about it, and fell silent. The door opened and in walked Clancy Crew. He barely even glanced at Ruby. ‘Hey Clance,’ said Mouse.

      ‘Hey Mouse,’ said Clancy. Ruby said nothing.

      Clancy went over to one of the booths, and sat down. He pulled out a comic, appropriately titled Buzz Off, and began to read it intently. Mouse looked first at Ruby then at Clancy and then back to Ruby. ‘Something you want to tell me?’

      ‘Like what?’ Ruby was staring hard at the Cherry Cup menu.

      ‘Like did you guys have a fight or something?’

      ‘Nah,’ said Ruby.

      ‘Are you sure? I haven’t seen old Clance like this since that time you stepped on his turtle.’

      ‘Look Mouse, could you just drop it. I don’t feel like talking about Clancy Crew right now, OK?’

      ‘Whatever you say Rube,’ sighed Mouse.

      ‘Listen Mouse, I got bigger things on my mind than some boy with a bad case of the grouches.’

      ‘Course you do Rube,’ said Mouse, biting her lip.

      Ruby felt guilty – she didn’t like to lie to Mouse and now she was making it worse by snapping at her. ‘Look, I didn’t mean to bite your head off, it’s just my brain is overloaded and all – what with my grandmother being so sick and my mom all racked with worry so she can’t sleep any more.’

      Another lie.‘That’s OK Rube – no offence taken. Let me order you a fruit shake.’

      ‘Thanks Mouse my old pal – make mine a pineapple quince, two straws. Here.’ She held out a dollar bill. ‘They’re on me.’

      Mouse ordered the drinks and they waited at the bar. She was fiddling with toothpicks, sticking them into the plastic cherries which decorated the bar top. She looked up at Ruby. ‘Hey, I bet it has to do with his teeth.’

      ‘Huh?’ said Ruby.

      ‘Clancy being all grouchy – it must be to do with his teeth. I overheard his mom talking about how one of his molars is infected – how it’s gotta come out. You know what Clancy’s like about the dentist, I’ll bet that’s what’s making him act weird.’

      Ruby smiled. ‘You know what Mouse, you’re probably right, you usually are.’

      Mouse was pleased with that. ‘So you heard about the TV people coming to film the “safest safe in the US of A”?’

      Ruby looked blank.

      ‘Twinford City Bank, you know – the gold?’

      ‘Oh yeah, I read about that in the paper – the “unstealable gold”,’